I don’t know why I would ever look to Google for reassurance when it keeps me well-fed with headlines like, “The No. 1 Sign There’s a Snake in Your Car”
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lawyer: be careful – now that you’ve won the lottery, you’re suddenly going to have a lot of new friends who want-
me: omg i’m gonna have friends?!
It’s been 5 days since the last full moon. If you’re still trapped as a werewolf it’s time to see your doctor or veterinarian.
I don’t use commas in my tweets I am a rebel without a pause
gettin prety good at makin baloon animals, so far i can make:
– a snake
– worm
– eel
– dog, hot
– 2 snakes
I can’t wait for thanksgiving. It’s an election year so that means there will be at least 4 fist fights and someone’s getting disowned.
When a movie says “Based on a true story.” it means this is sort of what happened but with way uglier people.
ME: who’s a good boy
*kissy noises*
DOG: I just murdered the cat
ME: you are, yes you are
*rubs dog’s head*
DOG: you’re next buddy
[moth meeting]
Moth: I was thinking, since we all love the light so much why don’t we come out during the day?
Head moth: no, we fly into lamps until we die
Jesus: Behold my powers.
*walks onto water and falls in*[back in heaven]
God: HAHAHAHAHA
Angel: HAHAHAHA “behold my powers”
God: HAHAHAHA
The last time I was 100% sure about a decision was in 3rd grade, and that box of 64 crayons with the built in sharpener didn’t disappoint.
“Are you ever going to boil?”, I scream at the pot of water that is sitting on a burner which I didn’t turn on.
Picture someone stepping down off a curb that they didn’t realize was there. Now you can say you’ve seen me dance.
Preorder now! Though I have nothing for sale, it’s always good to preorder.
Misery loves Company, whereas Company is just trying to get laid.
Me:*hits rock bottom* welp, it can’t get any worse
Rock bottoms older brother: Is this the guy that hit you
Me: ᴼʰ ⁿᵒ
It is possible to fail a cheese-making class but you have to eat your entire final exam to find out.
My body is a wonderland. But that weird one Alice fell into.
i just bought a used car and the owners left their “baby on board” sign in it. i don’t have any children so i just wrote “former” on it
i aspire to be the type of grandparent my grandkids can differentiate from a wolf wearing a nightgown
Hold on, you guys. Turns out the person with bad opinions is extremely attractive. I’m on their side now.
I always keep a shotgun under my bed in case a horse sneaks in and breaks his leg
A great vocabulary is such a turn on. A guy used the word “bifurcated” during a meeting and I almost threw my panties at him.
Guy just walking down the street minding his own business when bodega gato runs out and jumps up on his walker. They just standing / sitting at this impasse for like five full min now…
A spider just tried to crawl across my hand and now how do you extract a fork from bone without causing more damage?
Wife: You put the wrong date on this.
Me: Oh, yeah. The year change always messes me up.
Wife: You wrote 1992.
boss: you’re late
me: sorry I was trying to jump my wife’s car for like half an hour
boss: did it work
me: no, I think I need better shoes
A 23-yr-old woman in India fought off an adult tiger with a stick.
My cat stole my tuna sandwich right out of my hand.
Why isn’t ‘ampersand’ spelled ‘ampers&’?
Whenever I don’t want to listen to a song in the car with my wife I just lean over and whisper “my ex loved this song”
Just ate three bottles of Flintstone’s vitamins and threw my car like a frisbee