Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

3: mommy, you’re the best

me: aw, thanks bud! I think you’re the best!

3: me too

I named my two kids Madness and Sparta, and boy do I love introducing them to people

Me: We need a table of six for brunch, please

Hostess: No problem. Please have a seat. The wait should only be about eleven hours.

Not everyone was Kung foo fighting

I was just trying to get out of my sports bra

Sent my husband to work with leftovers from dinner last night. His co-workers are going to be so jealous of his bowl of cereal.

I love being single and independent but my wife says I’m not allowed

If you mean sleeping all day and only speaking to demand meals then yes, my teen has cat-like reflexes

FARMER: you ok man?
ME (from inside a well I fell into 3 days ago): all is well lol
FARMER: lol
ME: seriously though I think I broke my leg

I find it hilarious that this ant is pretending like he doesn’t care that I can kill him with one finger. Yea okay, keep walking tough guy.

Advice for life:
1. Be kind.
2. Be brave.
3. Make sure your garage door is all the way up before backing out.

When there’s a forklift accident they have to put the forklift down because once a forklift gets a taste of human blood…

a proper response to girl calling “amy?” in ladies bathroom wouldve been silence. but instead i yelled YOU WON’T FIND YOUR PRECIOUS AMY HERE

You know that scene from The Office where Kelly updates Jim on all the celebrity babies and he says “that’s great. What’s new with you?” And she says “I just told you.”

Well, that’s my situation every evening in my marriage but it’s Kate Middleton.

My default excuse for cancelling plans is “poetry.” No one has ever asked me to elaborate.

My uncle was found dead in his office last night by cleaning staff. I’m glad because he wore Crocs to my wedding in 2006.

In a library, I find it’s best to slap a book closed and whip off my glasses after coming across some unexpectedly harrowing information.

Beam me up, Scotty
Seam me up, tailor
Meme me up, internet
Team me up, sports agent
Steam me up, sauna
Dream me up, sleeper
Cream me up, barista

My daughter, the world’s worst hider, asked me to play hide & seek. I counted to 20 and began a search that eclipsed 10 minutes. I was truly stumped, then I heard her playing in the backyard. “I thought you wanted to play hide & seek?” I asked. “Oh, yeah,” she said. “I forgot.”

Me: you seem disappointed

Dracula: *holding a bloody Mary* it’s fine, I’m fine

My dream is to become the first smart person to be interviewed by a newscaster live at a scene.

a duck was about to cross the road when a chicken came running up and said… don’t do it man … you will never here the end of it!

Worst part of my old job was drug screenings. Had to tell a guy he was pregnant. Lesson: don’t use your girlfriend’s urine for testing.

A scary book should be called a boOoOok.

[hijacking a hot-air balloon] i have scissors

Spanish Government: Anything further to report?

Shakira: No.

Shakira’s hips: YES!

My mum just messaged to say that yesterday she turned off her 20 year old PC, ‘at the wall’, without shutting it down properly. ‘That couldn’t have caused anything, could it?’ 😂

‘Probably’.

me: I just don’t think this relationship is healthy for either of us

bucket of fried chicken:

ME {waking from 250 years of cryogenic stasis}: Wh…where am I?

FUTURE-COP: You managed to survive into the distant future, where shitty jokes are punishable by death

ME: Sounds like a bunch of updog to me

FUTURE-COP: W-

[determined not to have any awkward silence during date]
“so, what’s your favorite part of a banana?”

that’s it, I’m firing that gardener