I don’t know why I would want to “Keep Up” with them…
I don’t even know where Kardashia is.
(geography’s not my strong suit)
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Me: I won’t make it. Go on without me.
Her: It’s a toe cramp
M: But I’m covered in some kind of clear blood
H: That’s sweat
M: Tell my story
Wait. They gave out a Pulitzer Prize for criticism, and my mother didn’t win it?
Yes, dust for fingerprints is exactly what I meant when I asked you to dust the living room, Sherlock Holmes.
“Sorry, we can’t sell you one jalapeño for 35 cents. But we can sell you a plastic-wrapped styrofoam tray with 8 jalapeños on it for $2.99. Then you can use the one jalapeño you need, and let the rest go moldy in the fridge for a couple weeks before you toss them out.”
My husband is mad at my broken toe for not healing faster because he has to take over homeschooling and it’s “absolutely draining”. He’s been at it for 32 minutes.
When listening to skinny girls talk about losing weight it’s perfectly reasonable to battle cry then karate chop their tiny stomach’s.
Saw a truck with, “Hot Bob Express” written on the windshield. Im now concerned what Bob is delivering to people
Instead of racism or misogyny, why not hate the people who wear pyjamas and slippers to the airport?
me: you wanna hot line bling?
date: what?
me: *sweating nervously* Netflix and chill?
date: excuse me
me: *looking at notecards* BAE?!
You’ve got a lotta nerve showing up here and being right.
[at the vets]
He’s really bad. He can’t fly.
“He’s a cat though.”
[very sarcastically] oh I’m sorry is this the vets or the excuses clinic?
Open for business, 24/7
~my stomach
BREAKING NEWS: Bread is extremely toxic to humans.
“Just throw it all in a lake somewhere,” says one long-billed scientist
Gonna shake things up and start signing emails off with, “In loving memory of, Me”
Batman cuts off a seemingly innocuous driver in the Batmobile, only to deal with the driver later, with the help of Superman #ChangingBanes
I swear the Butterfly effect has seriously gone out of control this year.
“He died doing what he loved…”
I’m not dead
“Interrupting my jokes”
Cholesterol has a special place in my heart.
I wonder what song The Little Mermaid was singing when she viciously ripped a clam in half to make that cute bikini top
Cop: Know why I pulled u over?
Me: Know why I pulled u over
C: Stop that
M: Stop that
C: Wanna go to jail?
M: Wanna go to jail?
C: No.. errr
*my boss angrily taps his watch because I come into the meeting late
*i angrily tap my watch back because this meeting is too early
Clothes shopping with my 11 y/o daughter when she declares she would love to dress in more bright colors but “at the same time, I’m a messy eater.” It takes many years for some people to reach this level of self-awareness.
Unpopular opinion: I want bathroom scented candles to be called john wicks
Guy who invented the piano: 200 hundred years from now it may need tuning but it will be sturdy. So sturdy.
His friend, who invented piano benches: the legs are designed for maximum wobble
tried to stop my dog from swallowing a hammer but it was tool ate
Him: I’m a champion bull rider, baby. I know how to handle the ride.
Me: All I’m hearing is you last for 8 seconds.
Why be content with those 3 little words when you can have 6.
“Your parcel is out for delivery.”
Husband: Where is the candy?
Me: What candy?
Husband: The Easter candy.
Me: *stuffing Peeps in my ears as earplugs* I’m going to bed- you need to figure this out.
ATTRACTIVE WOMAN: What time is it?
ME: Haha. Yeah definitely