“I don’t know why I’m always depressed” I think to myself as I stare at the glowing portal in my hand that streams a constant feed of horror
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Watching people try to find a lost car in a parking lot is oddly soothing
Hear me out. Organ harvest festival.
You know who the real winner is today? The guy who sells “I voted” stickers.
Me: I’m on social media because I want attention.
Scammers: Hi!
Me: Not like that.
Glad I spent 40 minutes getting my 1 year old dressed so she could go outside for 3 seconds.
Of course men used to think women were witches. Women threw some yeast and flour together and “poof” there’s bread. Witches, I tell you.
i cared about something once— must have been a glitch in the mehtrix
If corporations are people then that’s really gross because we walk inside of them all the time.
Complaining “I have too many books on my TBR”
• negative
• overdone
• false cause you can never have too many booksSaying “I have enough books to carry me through the afterlife”
• impressive
• dramatic goth vibes
• makes the afterlife sound pretty dope
Kids don’t like it when you laugh at them after they step on their toys. Taking a video of it doesn’t help either.
A penny for your thoughts, a dollar if you keep them to yourself.
As a responsible parent, I gave my kids a healthy breakfast of strawberries w/ milk & a little sugar…
frozen.
OK IT WAS ICE CREAM!
FitFam?
*runs away from it all*
*runs back*
*grabs phone charger*
*runs away from it all again*
Black Friday Shopping Tips:
1. You don’t need anything
2. You can’t afford anything
3. You’ll just be in the way
Gonna install a mirror inside my fridge so that every time I open it to look for a snack, it’s always there.
Me: [getting ready for work]
Teen [stumbling out of bedroom]: Can you keep it down? I’m on vacation.
Me: [decides to vacuum house]
A friend said she thinks she should buy her teen a chastity belt. I said try perming her bangs, that worked well for me when I was younger.
Show your guy you love him by making him lasagna.
Write his name in the cheese.
Leave it on his porch.
His wife is home.
Write hers too.
Interviewer: *looking at my resume* says here you’re an “aspiring side piece”?
Me: that’s my 5 year plan, within 10 years I hope to be murdered in a jealous rage. You know, before the air quality gets too too bad…
Got kicked out of church again for laughing every time they say b-holed.
My organization style can be best described as “just don’t look in that room.”
I’ve banged my pinky toe so many times in the past week it has an appointment at the clinic tomorrow for a STD test.
“When I’m done shitting on your car I’m going to watch your wife undress through her window”-Birds
“Say TGIF ONE more time” I say, scowling at my coworker with no children, “Go ahead, say it again.”
As my friend confessed, “My teenage daughter never even talks to me,” I struggled to conceal my jealousy.
When Prince Adam called upon the power of Greyskull and turned into He-Man, it didn’t make him bigger or stronger it just made him more naked
A nicer way to tell someone their breath stinks is to say “I’m bored, let’s go brush your teeth!”
I started at the bottom and worked my way down.
Break the ice when sending business emails by being the first to use a poop emoji
My neighbor just yelled at her kids so loud, that even I brushed my teeth & went to bed.