“I don’t know why I’m always depressed” I think to myself as I stare at the glowing portal in my hand that streams a constant feed of horror
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Cop: do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: yeah I do but sad news buddy, I’m married
advice to my younger self: dont bang that old man on his helicopter he’s not joe biden
I’m so hungry I could eat this piece of paper.
*adds salt to resume*
My 5yo asked me if we could go to someone else’s house because he says we go to our house a lot
Serious talk at the office of replacing me with one of those fainting goats.
Beauty and the Beast (1991): A woman develops Stockholm Syndrome, emotionally bonding with her captor at castle furnished with singing decor
Michael Myers in his 60’s walking around killing people like he got no lower back pain
[Restaurant]
“Good evening sir, would you like to hear the specials?”
Yes please
“THIS TOWN (AHH AHHH) IS COMIN LIKE A GHOST TOWN”
If Sherlock is such a great detective why does it take him 90min to solve a crime when CSI detectives do it in an hour minus commercials??
I’ll complain about the government invading my privacy after I tell you where I am on Facebook and posting what I’m eating on Instagram.
Considering teaching a whole seminar solely on this tweet
Prank your dog by loosening his collar a bit everyday and googling “shrinking dog syndrome” while he’s on your lap
Explaining to my wife that she should induce labor now so our son will be the first kid named Cybertruck.
St. Patrick’s Day is the day we all watch Ghost and Dirty Dancing in honor of Patrick Swayze.
My ancestors didn’t walk out of the jungle, cross continents, interbreed with at least two other types of hominids, survive wars and plagues and cross an ocean for me to have to eat an untoasted bagel.
I told my tween son to spend 10 minutes cleaning his room. He then attempted to convince me for the next 20 minutes he was too busy to clean his room.
every time i go to karaoke i tell myself ok. you are not a good singer. no need to be a hero. and then one and a half beers in im like “i am gonna do Video Games by Lana Del Rey so good i end war”
Me, as a parent, ordering at the drive through after a family road trip: Hi. I’ll take 2 Happy Meals, a medium fry and a vasectomy please.
It’s called Taco Bell because Alexander Graham Bell also invented the taco.
want to make it creepy? just add in my pants to whatever
Merry Christmas…in my pants
Happy New Year…in my pants
I was kicked out of mime school once. I hadn’t put the safety lock on and my finger guns went off. The whole class took cover in their boxes
Me *pointing gun* give me all your money
Bank teller: um that’s a water pistol
Me *aiming at her mouth* I’ve filled it with La Croix
Bank teller: you want it in 20s or
“Please be more mindful of how expressive your eyebrows can be during meetings when others are speaking” my boss to me after the great 2 truths and a lie incident of February 15, 2024.
ME: If home is where the heart is, I guess I live under a canopy of bloody bones.
DMV WORKER: I’m not putting that on your license.
I know I’m getting older because I need more and more help from my teen to complete the People magazine crossword puzzle.
seeing a mysterious portal open in the woods and just walking by. not my business.
Audrey Hepburn probably has my favorite last name that combines an STD and a symptom of an STD
covid spelled backwards is devil. Don’t look just take my word for it.
[end of date]
Him: I’ll text you soon.
Her: Cool. I’ll just sit here in your car until you do.