Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Chicken pot pie sounds like such a good idea. If you add commas.

Remembering the time the hubs and I bought a bunch of candy for Halloween but no kids came to our door so we just drove around town begging kids to come get it from our car….Probably coulda used another brainstorming sesh on that one

Ahh yes 2022, the 2021 of 2020

Inflation is actually a good thing it means money is going viral

Mama Bear: Ok but last time
Papa Bear: Thanks, babe
[she puts on a Goldilocks wig]
Mama Bear (falsetto): I can’t sleep here! It’s toooo hard

[grounding my son]

me: THAT’S IT! You’re out of the school play!

wife (whispering): he doesn’t actually care about that play

me (whispering): I know, I just really don’t want to go to it

Son: Can we go to the beach?

Me: *dumps a bucket of sand down his shorts* There you go, bud.

The trail I take walks on has about 25 yards next to a road so I run during that part because obviously.

A guy offered to take me anywhere I wanted to go on a first date and had the audacity to ghost me after I replied, “An axe throwing range?”

After I drink coffee I show my empty mug to the IT guy and tell him I’ve successfully installed Java. He hates me.

A kiddie pool with a carrot floating in it would look odd to you and me but to a snowman it would be horrifying.

Nobody is looking…here’s my chance…😂😏🐶

I can’t believe the gall of this bladder.

going to tell my kids this was benjamin franklin

My tinder profile says I’m looking for an

Having a pool is so neat. All of your friends are suddenly interested to catch up on the hottest days of the year.

sorry you tried to win an argument while i was wearing a sundress

4: okay, I will be Mario and you will be the goomba–

Husband: NO, no, you’re not jumping on my head.

4: *sigh* kay…

Interviewer: Where do you see yourself in five years?

Me: (who is terrified of becoming a vampire) Hopefully in a mirror

Not right now, protecting the 50 lb pit bull from the scary washing machine.

Turns out there are very few midnight trains and “Anywhere” isn’t an option, you have to pick an actual destination.

The most British vandalism I’ve ever seen…

*pulls fire alarm in apt building*
*everyone runs outside*
[Me on megaphone]IVE GATHERED U HERE B/C SOME OF U STILL HAVE CHRISTMAS LIGHTS UP

I forgot you cant make depression jokes outside of twitter lmao my coworker was like “you ready for this year to be over?” I was like “im ready for this life to be over” he was like bro what

I bet Amelia Earhart is just wandering around in an IKEA somewhere.

Just cleaned my room 7 months ago and it’s dirty again.. this is bullshit

Rules for rap battling Eminem:

1. Do not let Eminem go first.

2. Do not let Eminem go second.

*kids running down the stairs*

DADDY, DADDY, I HEARD TOYS BUZZING IN YOUR ROOM AND MOMMY SAY, “SANTA CAME EARLY THIS YEAR.”

Adam: are you naked?

Eve: yeah I don’t give a fig

When your wife asks if men think about sex every 7 seconds the correct answer is “I think of you all the time dear” & not “Sex with who?”.