I don’t know why my co-workers looked so grossed out. All I said was, “It’s time to make like a tampon and get out of this bloody hole.”
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A moment of silence for all those who are stuck in traffic, trying to get to the gym, to ride stationary bikes…
[ field trip to the zoo ]
Teacher: what’s your favorite animal?
Debra: I like zebras!
Deborah: I like zeborahs!
Me: I can read on the toilet until my feet fall asleep
Job interviewer: …and a weakness?
7yo son: May I have some water?
Me: What are the magic words?
7yo son: I can get it myself.
Me: There you go.
Avril Lavigne: He was a boy. She was a girl. Can I make it any more obvious?
Me: Yes you could. That is incredibly vague.
BARTENDER: how do you take it?
ME: personally
I can tell my 5yo will make a great politician someday by the way he uses other kids as human shields in dodgeball.
if you shouldn’t go food shopping when you’re hungry then you should definitely not go clothes shopping when you’re naked. trust me on this.
remains to be seen, not heard
– undertakers
“How cute. You have smile lines”
Me: those are from clenching my jaw
i don’t let my toddler use an ipad but she does get to drive when i’m hungover
When Corner House says something righteous and you just think
[drunk, yelling at a can of baked beans] ALEXA PLAY BENNIE AND THE JETS
Magician: Is this your card?
Me: Oh my god, it is!
Magician: Well thank you, it’s very thoughtful and heartfelt.
Me: You’re welcome. Happy Birthday.
If you want to take your pet snakes for a walk in the rain, I have a handy instructional video on how to make reptile raincoats out of used condoms.
In zoom meetings I try to sit as still as possible so that people think my connection is bad and don’t call on me
How do I get Instacart to stop assigning dudes under 30 to my orders? Chad just earnestly queried whether I’d like him to replace my out-of-stock tampons with adult diapers.
My dad calls my mom beautiful after 55 years of marriage, but I’m starting to suspect it’s because he forgot her name.
just learned from my mom that my brother is contributing so heavily to chocolate milk sales at the local supermarket that they’ve requested to be notified when he leaves for college so that they don’t overstock
when steven spielberg was my age he was directing Jaws. meanwhile i am posting stuff like “drunk yoda be like ‘good to drive i am, give me the keys you will'”
If you’re wondering how punctuation can be used to create suspense,
Why does the crematorium sound so delicious?
My husband has forbidden me to go to Costco when I’m hungry. I don’t understand. How hard is it to eat 47 rotisserie chickens?
m&m’s call their smallest pack the “fun size”. Sorry, that’s not fun. A 3 lb bag would be a lot more fun
Really? Still no Kate? Has anyone even tried yelling Marco?
I wish I could replace my central nervous system with a central confidence system.
[Supermarket]
Me: QUICK, WHERE IS YOUR FROZEN SECTION
Assistant: Aisle 7
Me: GREAT [opens trench coat and 6 penguins fall out] let’s go guys
My husband’s really not keen on this whole ‘date night’ thing that married people are supposed to do……
Perhaps next time I should go out with him?