I don’t know why my co-workers looked so grossed out. All I said was, “It’s time to make like a tampon and get out of this bloody hole.”
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Me: You’ve dimmed the lights already, aren’t we forward?
* smiles suggestively *
Optometrist: Just read the letters on the screen.
Them: What’d you scrape your chin on?
Me: A chiseled jawline with a 5-o’clock shadow.
Science fact: If you took a human intestinal tract and stretched it from the Earth to the Moon, you would definitely get fired from NASA.
[doc walks in holding up my X-rays with one hand & giving a thumbs down with the other]
Bad news, pal. You’re a skeleton.
🤣😂🤣
Jesus said to love your neighbor, but makes no mention about putting up with their music at 3am.
Her: *hands me her baby*
Me: *drops it*
Her:
Me: So, is there like a five second rule or…?
Well I gave my middle son a haircut and long story short it is a darn good thing he’s stuck at home
Asked my kid to point to her spleen. Bought at least two minutes of silence while her finger wandered up and down and left in right in search of the elusive organ
I’ve been dating a girl online who I think might be a Catfish. Every time I try to meet, her excuse is that she “can’t survive on dry land.”
[sees a squirrel walking, not running, out of a cemetery] sweet jesus this is how it begins
tossing the phrase “slappery slope” into the discourse like a beach ball and moonwalking away
Oh my god, my jeans fit! All I have to do is not sit down, not walk, and not breathe. I totally got this.
Me: excuse me, but I can’t taste the alcohol
Clerk: all smoothies are non alcoholic here.
Me: YOU SHOULDN’T CALL YOURSELF A BAR THEN!
I’m so old that if I was a Care Bear, I’d be Medicare Bear.
Me: I want a raise
Boss: ok and why do you think you deserve a raise?
Me: that’s not what I said
*cutting the sleeves off a snuggie and calling it a thuggie*
I’m Agnostic, which means I’m an Atheist with commitment issues.
My girlfriend left a tampon at my apartment and idk where the left one is. Anyone know where I can get a single left tampon to keep a set here for emergencies?
I love it when waiters tell me to tell them when to stop grating cheese on my meal.
It’s cheese, dude. We’ll be here a while.
[poking you repeatedly in the shoulder] I’ll keep this up until you acknowledge me. I’ve got nowhere else to be.
[hanging up the phone] sorry that was my sensei. he said he’s turned evil and I’m probably the only student with the potential to stop him. So I have to go home now
*walks into bar with camera*
Me: Can I take a shot of this glass?
Bartender: Take a pitcher, it’ll last longer
God making Khaki
God: I want a material that can be dressed up or dressed down
Angel: Nice!
G: But it shows every pee drip
A: Hilarious!
The snake that couple found in a bag of lettuce in Aldi is just one more in a long list of reasons to avoid salad.
*first day as an accountant*
me: so where are the ants?
I’m fine with you not liking my tweets, as I’m adult enough to deal with it. Also, your moms a whore.
LITTLE RED RIDING HOOD: grandma what big eyes you have
WOLF: u really think I look like ur grandma? I should eat u just for that u dumb shit
[1994]
dad: are you looking forward to Christmas
me: yes, i cant wait!!
dad: cool *slipping off wedding ring* how’d you like two of them?