I don’t know why my co-workers looked so grossed out. All I said was, “It’s time to make like a tampon and get out of this bloody hole.”
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[on the playground]
mom: go play with that little boy honey, he’s got a race car
3-year-old shania twain: mommy that don’t impwessa me much
I make up cringe corporate sayings in Teams meetings to see if they catch on. I felt a great sense of achievement when my boss remarked about a client wanting a sub-standard product “if the ducks want bread, give them bread”. I had forgotten about that one.
Husband looking through take out bag: Did you forget my tacos?
Me spewing taco shell crumbs: Thofe baftards mufed have forgot to pack fem.
Not trying to brag but I just beat the high score on this blood pressure machine.
Me: Almost time to sign about us All Hanging Signs.
Her: Um, you mean Auld Lang Syne?
Me: Well, this is embarrassing. I mean, you should learn the words if you’re going to sing it babe.
I don’t usually complain about the way people decorate their cubicles Tina but you should know my entire family was killed by a dachshund.
A leaf blower, but for people.
*entering first day of prison*
“Are you guys mad at me?”
May God bless you with children who are incompetent at hiding evidence
The plant app says that I either watered my plant too much or not enough. Where is that Goldilocks chick when I need her?
It’s wild how many grown adults complain about being in debt. Like, it’s not hard. I have zero debt in my early 30s, all because I’ve worked since I was 16, I don’t spend money on things I don’t need, and my great great grandfather invented doors.
Apple trying to ruin my marriage wtf
I bet in 2000 years they are gonna be digging up the rubble of our destroyed earth and they’ll find a Nokia still on half battery.
i have one speed and it’s mosey
Me: I’m too scared to fly
Therapist: You’re more likely to die from a shark attack than a plane crash
Me: OMG SHARKS CAN FLY?
A Mexican stand-off, but it’s 3 Canadians each trying to pay the bill and they all have to pee
Him: Why is there an antenna sticking out of your hair?
Me, definitely not an alien: Why are you humans so suspicious of everything?
Practice self-care like a lighthouse, let your problems crash all around you but avoid it by gazing mindlessly off into the distance.
I can’t cook dinner if the can opener is broken, so I drove over it a few times just to make sure.
[overhears girl at work crying because her grandad & her dad died this month]
Me: not all men are like that
CUSTOMER SERVICE NEEDED IN THE LIQUOR DEPARTMENT
My husband: please stop yelling that from the couch
Alanis Morissette sings about having 10,000 spoons when all she needs is a knife. And nobody asks why she has 10,000 spoons?
The asteroid..
So hot these last few days I’ve consumed 1,473,968 gallons of water and only peed 3 times
12: I can’t wait to be an adult.
Me: I can’t wait for you to find out how wrong you were about this.
me: what kind of dog is that?
him: husky
me: sorry, *deep raspy voice* what kind of dog is that?
I tiptoe near my medicine cabinet bc I don’t want to wake my sleeping pills.
Kinda miss the Jane Austen era where a man is driven mad by a woman’s hand being ungloved & yet oblivious to her heaving bosom falling out.
Instacart: We are out of soap, would you like this substitute item?
Energy bar
Doctor’s office: All our records are electronic now just fill out these 12 forms.