Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

When asked my theory on Amelia Earhart’s disappearance I said “maybe she went black” and now I don’t have to help with homework

[dinner at fergie’s house]

fergie: what do you think of the food i made?

me: it’s ok

fergie: just ok? any other word you’d use to describe it?

[lying voice] oh my god sorry i JUST saw this

Necessity is the mother of Invention.
And there are also lots of other people in my family with stupid names.

teacher: what would you like to do when you grow up?

Edgar: *shrugs*

teacher: Poe, try

I don’t know what I just witnessed, but this guy was swirling his glass of wine so fast, like a washing machine on it’s final spin, that I asked if he could do my laundry.

what’s a not gay way of asking your bro to pose shirtless for a pic that you’ll silkscreen on a body pillow?

kinda adds insult to injury that jesus was nailed to the cross since he was a carpenter. whole time he was probably noticing all the corners they cut like “this wood was not sanded properly”

Boss: are you sticking to the schedule

Death: yeah of course

Boss: so you’re not killing anyone prematurely to gain access to their earthly wares

Death: *pauses brand new PS5* what are you getting at Roy

6yo: What is a solar eclipse?

Me: Have you ever been outside in the dark?

6yo: yeah

Me: same idea

My daughter wants to be something scary for Halloween this year so she’s going to carry a school fundraising packet to every door.

I take advice from crows because their core strategy of screaming at things and flying away really tracks.

Mom: Everyone has to learn to swim

Kid: Even Jesus?

Mom: Of course

Jesus: *sliding across the pool in heelys* Lying’s a sin, Brenda

No one has more ailments than a child who was put to bed.

Snakes are refusing to fly on Boeing Max planes.

Went to an outdoor restaurant in the rain once. Took me two hours to finish my soup.

Raise the bar ..?

Like, go and drink upstairs ..?

It’s amazing what happens when you take a little time to get to know someone.

They become even more annoying.

Mariah Carey beginning with “I don’t want a lot for Christmas” and then revealing she wants “you” is such a good burn

I want to live in a clean house but the whole living in it is really getting in the way.

Wild falcons live to be about 13, so all the falcons in the wild today were born in the 21st century.

They’re millennial falcons.

According to my bank account, I’m Rich!

Rich Anderson, the name of the man whose identity I stole.

captain: *drops anchor over side of boat*

me: great now who’s gonna do the news

Way more cannibalism in the Barbie movie than I expected

I’m not saying I want a divorce, it’s just that sometimes 50% custody sounds pretty appealing.

Mugger: Hand over your wallet or else!

Me: *wearing a deodorant that promises 48 hour protection* Or else what?

When I force-quit my computer and then start it again, it turns into my parents. It’s not angry, just disappointed that Windows was not shut down properly.

Me: If you love something you have to let it go.

Wife: Get your own bag of shredded cheese

Only 4 beers left in house. Time to find new house.