Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My husband threw away a perfectly good box as if we might not need it in 20 years.

In an alternate universe, people in horror movies make fun of our choices.

The fridge beeped at my 5yo because he left the door open too long deciding what to eat, and he yelled back IT’S AN EMERGENCY OK

Yes, your cat is waiting for you in heaven. Hm? Yes, he will ignore you there too.

If people are going to judge me they should at least hold up scorecards so I know how I’m doing.

Ok, I’m disowning my entire family so that means y’all are my family now!
…I’m gonna need a head count for Thanksgiving, ok?

*walks into work 20 minutes late*
*boss glares at me*
“Sorry. Traffic.”
*boss gestures to my Starbucks cup*
“Oh this? I found it.”

I just saved a mom $26 by trying on the same hat her teen daughter wanted.

[3rd date]
Kate: You wanna come back to mine for coffee?
Ian: Sure!
Kate: Have you got any condoms?
Ian: Do you not know how to make coffee?

I do this weird thing where I feel fabulous then I have to get out of bed

When did folks start naming kids old fashioned trades like, “Hunter” and “Porter” and “Archer” and “Blacksmith” and “Prostitute?”

I just saw The Big Sick and now I’m negotiating with my doctor to place me in a medically induced coma and then speed dial my true love.

[1 AM]
BRAIN: Let’s play the insomnia game.
ME: Nope. *downs NyQuil*
BRAIN: How dare you…
ME: *drifts off*
BRAIN: Begin diarrhea subroutine!

My supervisor said I’m worth my weight in gold so I’m eating these donuts to increase my value.

Technically, all restaurants are drive-thru it just depends how committed to the task you are.

My toddler just told me that she’s my best friend.

Then she told me that the toilet is also my best friend.

She’s right about both.

If you’re going to see Nosferatu in hopes of there being a spongebob cameo dont even though waste your time. He’s not in it

[first day as a midwife]

ME: Keep pushing! I can see the head!

NURSE: You’re at the wrong end.

[Putting petrol in car]
１９.９５
１９.９６
１９.９７
[stops]
[gently now]

１９.９８

[very gently]

１９.９９

[ok, once more]
[deep breath]

３７.８３

GODDAMMIT

Absolutely insane clap-to-blink ratio

Hey pal, you wanna take this outside? *me & the guy from the bar scoop the bug up on a napkin and set it down gently on the grass in front*

Get a red wallet that perfectly matches the red interior of your purse and have mini heart attacks every time you go to pay for something.

Nothing makes you feel more like a genius than answering incorrectly to your kid’s interactive tv show…

Genie: You have 3 wishes.

I don’t want to run into spiderwebs anymore. That’s it…. I’m done. You can keep the other 2 wishes.

ME: So it’s like a spank bank for your feelings?

THERAPIST: Most people just call it a journal, but sure

I just watched the uncut version of Scarface…….it’s called Face.

HO_SE BOAT

I’d like to solve the puzzle Pat, Horse Boat

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