I don’t know why parents complain about cereal on the floor, the crunching sound is a dead giveaway when the kids go into the kitchen to get an unauthorized snack.
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DECORATOR: Now I’ve finished the job can I come over and take some pictures?
ME: Of course. I’ll miss you too.
DECORATOR: I meant of my work
Leaving the grocery store: Shoot. I forgot to get bread.
Leaving Costco: Shoot. I forgot to get bread. And a gazebo.
Judge: Guilty!
*bangs gavel*NINE MONTHS LATER
*gavel holding freaky gavel-human hybrid baby*
Judge: *tears welling up* ..he has your eyes
Sharks 🦈 waiting on there food delivery 😂
[at zoo]
Kids, here we have reptiles. Reptiles are cold-blooded. This means they rely on external heat and often answer texts with just a K.
I hop in a tanning bed during storms in the hopes of being struck by lightning & turned into a lame, but beautifully bronzed, superhero.
Just started a new diet where I order Wendy’s salad and then eat all my kids’ fries.
My goal is to have this whole hand washing thing mastered before they decide to remove the instructions.
the school sent my 7yo home with a recorder and she is foregoing learning actual songs so she can “perfect her police and ambulance siren sounds” god help me
Hydrate the goths. No government stands a chance against hydrated goths.
Thank you for contacting the abyss. Your scream is very important to us.
I drive an extra five miles on my way home from work so I can access my mailbox from the drivers side.
me: [thinking] I don’t want kids
my mom: [2000 miles away gets a mental notification and texts me] how could you do this to me?
I bet the best part of being in your 70s is you get to drive through buildings and people just say “oh he must’ve hit the gas instead of the brakes” and that’s it
Girl asked me if I wanted to watch a “romcom” so I’m going to assume she means “Roman Combat” and put on Gladiator.
Therapist: What’s your earliest memory?
Me: Crying to my mom when I couldn’t find my shoes
Therapist: So around what, five?
Me: Seven this morning
You guys know that there are things higher than kites, right?
Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, we’re still well below my average.
Michael Cera, in a public restroom, pinned to the opposite wall by the force of the hand-dryer.
Hey boy, are you the tasks written on my whiteboard? Because I don’t plan on doing you
We look weird together like two p’s in a ppod
My doorbell is the theme from “The Exorcist”.
My husband hates sex so much he left on a two week business trip. Three weeks early!
The phrase “you two deserve each other” sounds like a compliment, but never is.
Imagine sex with me – no, more hot dogs
First rule of flight club…no penguins.
me: ugh i hate subway. worst fast food chain by far
alien I befriended: on my planet there is no word for “hate”
I’m sorry I said take me to church because I needed a ride to the liquor store nearby.
This is my favorite one of these!
A roomba that swears every time it hits something.