Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

he died doing what he loved: trying to find out if gang members are ticklish

toddler parkour is trying to find the slowest and most elaborate route to get anywhere

Pulled a power move on the neighborhood dads by shoveling my driveway before it stopped snowing

making baked potatoes in the oven is fun because they’re either ready in 30 minutes or 147hrs

McDonald’s has spoiled all of us with their super-charged carbonated soda. I don’t want just any Sprite. I want the Sprite that will make me see God.

How to sex:

Boy: can I put my finger in your belly button
Girl: sure
Girl: that’s not my belly button
Boy: that’s not my finger

Wife to 4yo: How did you get your shirt so dirty?!

4yo: Because lunch.

I wish a notification would pop up when I’m texting a guy and be like “Incorrect use of big vocabulary word. Buy a dictionary, bitch!”

The fact that twitter is at it’s busiest during working hours probably tells you all you need to know about the worlds economic problems

Robbing a bank and getting away in a hot air balloon is on my bucket list.

Was putting away laundry and spotted this betrayal in my wife’s closet. Troubling times my friends, troubling times.

Me, walking into my mom’s house

16 & 4 of his friends: *sitting in living room eating cookies with my mom*

One of his friends: May I have another cookie, ma’am?

Mom: *beaming* This is grandma’s house, honey. You may have as many cookies as you want

All 4 teen boys: *grin*

every time a guy in a movie says he has a bad feeling about this it’s when he’s already driving a car off a mountain and trying to land on another mountain that’s both on fire and covered in spikes. and it’s like yeah man that makes sense

I am rarely judgmental, but I do scowl, and shake my head slowly in disapproval whenever I see a vegan biting its nails.

It’s hard to believe 2019 was only 15 years ago

If you use the iPhone 6 upside down, boom, iPhone 9.

No one told me we would be forced to eat brussel sprouts at that haunted house.

I wish I had the confidence of a person who marks themselves as “safe” on Facebook.

girl broke up with me for talking like a old timey gangster. driving way too fast bc I’m so upset. Wouldn’t be surprised if the brass buttons turned the cherries on and pulled me over

I’m pretty smart – unless it’s turning on the right burner on the stove

Me: Do you like being right-handed?

Hubby: Umm, sure… why?

Me: Take another one of my fries again and see…

Youtube cooking video: and you can add a little of this if you have some lying around

Me: I promise you I do not

Me: Son, there is only one thing to fear in life. Fear itself!

Son: What about those meetings where you all have to say your name and a bit about yourself?

Me:

Son:

Me: There are only 2 things to fear

Onion rings
Me: “Hello?”

Filling my pez dispenser with ibuprofen for whimsical pain relief

GUY: Do you want to play fantasy baseball?

ME: Okay, I’m a pitcher with gills

When I withdrew cash from the ATM, it asked what denominations I wanted so I chose Baptist, Methodist and Presbyterian.

Exercise makes you look better naked, so does tequila, choose wisely my friends

The worst time to need sneeze is when you’re driving. The worst time to need to pee it when you’re driving and need to sneeze.

Elon Musk & Grimes agreed to split custody of X Æ A-12 equally so somewhere a judge is trying to calculate X ÆA-12➗2