I dont know why people are disappointed when they find out a celebrity crush is married.As if that was their only obstacle to being together
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*tries to flirt*
*twirls hair in fingers*
*fingers get caught in giant knot*
*learns to live using only one arm*
Buys new collar for my dog. It鈥檚 too big! Apparently he thinks it鈥檚 jewelry and won鈥檛 let me take it off.
[Wedding Day]
FIANC脡E: omg it’s today!
ME: it’s always today, janet
People say “5 second rule” like that’s a thing. I just ate a piece of Thanksgiving candy off the floor.
Lance Armstrong should be applauded for being able to ride a bike so well on drugs. I tried it once. Hit a dog and fell into the canal.
Police Sketch Artist: How about now?
Me: Look I already told you, the fruit bowl is nice for perspective, but I wasn’t mugged by a naked guy
Spider van
Spider van
How do spiders drive a van?
10 on top
10 below
Where would you like to go?
Get in.
Get in the Spider Van.
I like a woman that makes me feel alive, but also lets me know that it might not be for long.
What do you call a man with no car???
…an Uber.
Just ate the last slice of pizza and I wish there was more. Suddenly all of Taylor Swifts songs make sense to me.
I bet the worst part about kidnapping someone is knowing they are just sitting there in your trunk, judging your choice in music.
Me: What do you think about that?
Him: *typing*
*typing*
*typing*
*typing*
*typing*
*typing*5 minutes later
K
*Runs into bank with gun*
Alright! Everyone put your hands up!
*Tickles everyone*
I asked my doctor if this heavily advertised, extremely ineffective medicine with many frightening side effects might be right for me.
People who say they are “comfortable in their own skin,” scare me because I wonder how they know what it’s like to wear someone else’s skin
Effort made
馃幎Well you can tell by the way I clumsy walk
I’m an awkward girl, don’t wanna talk
Mumble sounds, eyes look down
I’ve been trippin ’round since I was born
And it’s all right, it’s okay
Please just look the other way
馃幎
If a whale bit my leg, I would simply pursue him relentlessly until my obsessive hatred became my undoing
Anyone who believes in cyber-bullying is a huge pussy.
Just blew up my daughter’s beach ball by mouth & I’m afraid this beach ball would not pass a sobriety test.
Me: Gimme that bread, daddy
Priest: It鈥檚 Father
They also CAN sing鉁岋笍
I didn’t hit him with my car…
I massaged him with my wheels.
Those who say English majors won’t succeed in the work place underestimate how much creative writing is needed when completing the annual employee self-evaluation.
Croatia-France sounds like a 19th century war to decide which cousin the crown prince is forced to marry.
Taco Bell is no longer going to be offering kids meals. Probably because kids are rarely drunk enough to want Taco Bell.
*Brings pen to sword fight*
Guy with sword : What’s that?
Me : Tis mightier!
*Gets beheaded*
No animal is more conniving and deceptive than Guinea Pigs, whom are neither pigs or from Guinea.
my only crime was caring too much. caring too much about fire