Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Sherlock: *deep breath* You’re a drinker, whiskey’s your poison but mum doesn’t approve. Upper management, no middle. You hate your job but it’s too late for a change. A droll existence, Stacy.

Starbucks Barista: I’m so sorry ma’am, he’s in training here’s your tall blonde roast

I almost just turned down a beer.

Calm down, I said almost.

Cars these days have so many sensors and rear cameras you gotta work extra hard to run someone over

2 halloweens ago I was brutally owned by a small child when I answered my door in normal clothes and she said “nice lumberjack costume.”

t-shirt is short for “television shirt”

Sex with me is like a ferris wheel: slower than you hoped, full of clunky stops and a carny watches to make sure you don’t get off.

a sea turtle lives for 150+ yrs despite threats from the moment she hatches and I will most likely slip in the shower and die from a bonk to the noggin

I’ve seen or heard about Batman’s parents’ death so many times I feel like an accessory to murder for not going to the authorities.

Important new ad I stuck up in town today. Experts only, please.

My wife and I have to put drops in the cat’s eye before we go to work. Just in case you see a headline like “Couple mauled to death by two pound kitten” tomorrow

A few summers ago I stopped at some kids’ lemonade stand. As I took a sip, the youngest boy stuck his whole arm in the pitcher and stirred.

On the whole, people are getting smarter. I remember when they had to put “The End” on the screen, so people would know the movie was over.

People in sleeping bags are the soft tacos of the bear world.

Any jeans can be skinny jeans if you eat enough doughnuts.

adulthood is a constant struggle between “i deserve a treat” and “there’s food at home”

me *brings toddler his popsicle* What do you say?
toddler: Finally

Just saw the new Avengers & the audience went NUTS when Shrek showed up & saved the day.

MY KID: can you do a cartwheel?

ME: not if i want to live

No one lays down beats like Gaston, fills the seats like Gaston, when on Twitter nobody tweets like Gaston.

Read my skeleton’s diary today. Anyone know what “loathsome flesh blanket” means?

I tend to trust people who reek of garlic.

wife: didn’t i tell you?
me: yes, you did
wife: you didn’t listen
me: no, I did not
wife: what did i say?
me: you heard turtles in the walls
wife: what did you say?
me: i said you were crazy
wife: what will you do now?
me: i’ll call the turtle guy
wife: you’ll call the turtle guy

[At my seance]

Friend 1: *pulling away from ouija
Shit…That’s definitely him

Friend 2: How can you tell?

F1: He spelled “your” wrong.

[Guy sees octopus doing squats at the gym on 4 legs]
“You doing legs today?”

Octopus: Yeah my fourarms hurt.

Cop: You’re driving on the wrong side of the road.
Driver: Sorry, I’m English.
Cop: (shouting) It’s the wrong soid of the roade ye was droivin down, innit?

After sex, I take the condom off and make a balloon animal for the lady.

5: Can you cut off the skin?

Me: What?

5: *holds up sandwich* the skin

M: The crust?

5: yeah

M: No, and you sound like a serial killer.

Please sign my online petition to get Netflix to change “are you still watching” to “looking good nice pajamas”

juries are sort of a bad idea idk… have you met 12 people ??