Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

me: who’s ur favorite actor
date: meryl-
me: before you answer, did u know air bud and beethoven were played by the same dog
date: holy shit

walmart in August: here’s some pumpkins

walmart ON halloween day: merry christmas

WHERE’S THE PUMPKINS AT BRO I NEED 3.

2019: Keto is a lifestyle
2020: Cheeto is a lifestyle

You guys Gorilla Glue is not hair care it is lip balm. Spread the word

Accidentally ran the wash with Ecstasy still in a back pocket. Now my jeans are freaking out, and the zipper won’t stop grinding its teeth.

I wrote a message to my mom giving her a heads up on my carefully thought-out plan to approach my wife about a divorce, and then accidentally sent it to my wife.

Nissan keeps sending me emails with my monthly vehicle health report. I hope the car is healthy but I haven’t owned it for 3 months.

I screamed into the void and the void threw a toaster at me.

I don’t drink blood to stay young. I do it mainly for the lifestyle.

Me: What’s your name please?

Customer: Hal

Me: I never met a Hal What’s that short for?

Customer: Harold

Me: I’m gonna go ahead and write Hallelujah

Boss: Could you ever just don’t?

HER: I love classic rock

ME: [trying to impress] I’ve been to the Grand Canyon

You know a Brit’s really mad when they beg your pardon, then suggest something may have escaped your attention, before apologising for being close to losing their patience. Upon reaching boiling point, there’s a chance they’ll give you all due respect before issuing the killer blow of offering you their regards.

Why are Diva Cups only for women why can’t I win one.

Can me and you go out sometime?

“No, your grammar is too poor”

Ok wow, my gramma broke af, but what that got to do with us?

waiting for the right context to watch oppenheimer (about 5 years from now on a 8 inch screen in an intercontinental flight)

Might get a little wild tonight and set the white noise machine to overheated laptop

One day you’re young and carefree and the next your husband says something like “the bowl can’t be hotter than the soup” and you’re trying to figure out when this old man moved into your home.

They should just report when there WASN’T a shooting in Florida at this point

In six days god created heaven and earth. On the seventh day, in the interests of balance, the bbc interviewed satan.

The most unbelievable part of any Christmas movie is that characters my age are homeowners

tarot card reader: so that’s 3 death cards

me: but that means change or rebirth, right?

tarot card reader: *pulling out another death card* no

A teacher grabbed my arm in the 3rd grade and pulled me to the back of the line. When I asked what I did, she said you know what you did. I’m 47 and I still don’t know.

Don’t you hate it when you go in ALDI to buy an apple and walk past the middle aisle and then you’re back in your car with a 4 person tent and a fucking bbq

Loan officer: And what is the purpose of your loan, Sir?

Me: Whole Foods. I shop at Whole Foods.

Eeeekkk go for it 😂😂

[puts on a song to set the mood]
date: …is this the monster mash?

If you don’t have one final pee, “for the road,” are you even over 40?

Maybe your grandma covered her furniture in plastic because she was a murderer. You don’t know for sure.

Telling my kids that the Titanic sunk because Jack and Rose had sex before marriage