Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

What do you call a reluctant potato?

A hesi-tato

😂

HELLO COWORKER THAT I HAD NOT SPOKEN TO UNTIL I DREW THEIR NAME IN OFFICE SECRET SANTA PLEASE ENJOY THIS DEEPLY INTIMATE GIFT OF AN AMAZON GIFT CARD

Someone tried to persuade me to go to a party by saying, “Are you sure? There’s gonna be a lot of people there.” Oh then definitely no

They’re saying I put a stuffed animal in the toilet. Untrue. I sent it on a mission to retrieve my toy cars.

Being my friend is a walk in the park, but the park is on fire and sometimes the squirrels eat your cookies

Alcohol is like Lysol for feelings, it won’t kill all of them.

The Water Board sent me a notice saying that my bill was a year old,

I obviously apologised for forgetting, and sent them a birthday card.

Doctor: And how many partners have you had?

Danny Ocean: It varies by movie.

Twitter has introduced me to like minded individuals and it’s comforting to know I won’t be going to hell alone

Acquaintances: “So what have you been up to?”
What I hear: “Please explain yourself, we’re trying to figure you out.”

All I want for Christmas is an extra trash pickup day.

My body is a temple

for potatoes.

I tried to sign up for a streaming service, but it was not Tubi.

I hate puns. There ain’t a pun in the world I would ever shar…

There’s no “k” in team either. This is fun. What other letters aren’t in team?

*walks into the funeral home*

*climbs into a coffin*

I’m ready when you are

In Japanese, a cat sitting compactly with all its legs pulled in under its body is affectionately known as KŌBAKO-ZUWARI—or ‘sitting like an incense box’. The English equivalent is a CATLOAF.

customer behind me in line: hey I think your phone is ringing

me: oh *declines it* thank you

Like many men my age, my biggest regret is hiring the inexpensive hitman.

Me: I’ll take ‘Marriage’ for 800 Alex

Alex: Having one wife too many

Me: What is bigamy

Alex: Nooo. We were looking for, what is monogamy

I am the all knowing oracle, you may ask me one question
“How do you pronounce quinoa?”
[it’s just covered in sweat] um can u ask me another

Boss: Isn’t your new job kind of a [stifling laughter] sideways move?
Crab: [to HR person] see this is what I’m talking about

“Check it out, I bought a shoot gun”

“You mean a shotgun”

“No not yet”

I am not a people person. I am a person person. One (1) of you mfers at a time and even that is pushing it.

I’ve never held a baby before
“It’ll be fine”
*I accidentally put the baby in a box and mail it to North Korea*

Cleanliness is next to godliness in a dictionary missing some stuff

I’m at my creepiest when I see a drunk chick crying outside of a bar and just think ‘bingo

Sales clerk: That handbag is very pleasing to the eye.

Customer: Really? I don’t like it.

Giant Disembodied Eye: YOU REALLY SHOULD BUY IT

🎶Somebody once told me the world was gonna roll me🎶

SECRET SOCIETY OF WORLD ROLLERS: Who talked?!