I don’t know why people get mad when someone uses their driveway to turn around. You get to feel the rage of someone dropping by unexpectedly followed by the orgasmic relief of them leaving.
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We’re playing Mario party and the boys keeps intentionally referring to Luigi as Louis and it’s making me irrationally angry.
Aries: You will dance on your enemy’s grave this week, finishing 3rd in the grave dancing contest.
If Spider Man eats too much fruit he squirts Silly String.
“I’m very proud of my teeth. I’m going to show the humans my teeth. They’ll love them.” —Great White Sharks, probably.
We keep a potato masher in a drawer because sometimes it’s fun to not be able to open that drawer.
Kids today have it easy!
In the old days, before smartphones & Instagram, by the time we finished the painting, our food was already cold.
If we’re in a horror movie and you tell me to run, it’s already too late for me.
Don’t take drugs… for granted.
me, waiting for the doctor on the exam table
why is there Head & Shoulders shampoo. who has hair on their shoulders. whos shampooing their shoulder hair. please come forward
Kids be like mom look at me when you’re driving 70 mph on the freeway.
I was 14, my dad caught me drinking. ‘Dad, that’s the first time’
‘That’s a lie, no one ever gets caught the first time.’
So I robbed a bank
I don’t buy fat-free milk because I don’t want to encourage cows with negative body image issues.
All my life, I never thought I’d wake up at 6am to go jogging…and I was right.
Artwork by Herta Burbe
[during sex]
Me: So do you LIKE like me or
Some people are legally blind. What happens to the illegally blind?
okay, so you’re definitely the best at keeping your body completely still, what do you want, atrophy?
Sydney actually has a lot of cool bars it’s just that to find them you have to walk into random shops and lean on shit like a Scooby Doo character until you find the secret passage.
I AM A THREE THOUSAND YEAR OLD SHRUNKEN HEAD AND I DEMAND TO BE REHYDRATED.
Quick befoure all the Americans wake up let’s add a loaud of U’s to moure words
Apiarist: Don’t! Stop!
Bee: *leaving*
I think I read my job description wrong because the senior analyst didn’t appreciate this comprehensive report on my coworkers lunch routines
December 26th is the sad day where I have to take the Christmas tree behind the garage and shoot it
“Please! There’s no need to interact with me. I’m just here to observe.”
-me in every social situation
A truck loaded with Vicks VapoRub overturned on the interstate. Police report there is no congestion in the area.
It’s possible to eat 7 and a half Tillamook cheese snack portions before you feel sick. Someone had to find out for the rest of you.
Whoever’s been in charge of the weather for the last few weeks seems to have fallen asleep on the couch with the remote control underneath them.
under no circumstances will my brother take the L
I heard from someone in the know that every bank is going to collapse this week and we should all go to the banks at the same time and get all of our money out