Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Fell down the stairs and my 5yo complained, that it was so loud. I told him, i would fall more quietly next time and he looked at me like i was very stupid and said”Just don’t fall at all!” I was glad that he provided this solution!

My husband is with me every step of the way, in life, in love, in faith, in front of the kitchen drawer I need to get to

“I’ve got toes in different area codes.”

– Ludacris steps on a land mine

Husband: Wouldn’t it be easier to buy a larger size jeans?

Me: (on roof) Just hold out my skinny jeans for me to jump into like we planned!

But I’m the good kind of abomination, right???

In honor of A REAL PAIN hitting theaters, one of my favorite Jesse Eisenberg anecdotes

I do, however, think Starbucks should arrest people who are just pretending to write.

If your tax accountant has a Yahoo email address, you’re getting audited.

I’m like the lemon seed that sinks to the bottom of your water glass and then shoots up your straw unexpectedly, trying to choke you.

If I could travel back in time I’d probably forget why I went as soon as I got there.

I think I’m about six months away from the perfect ‘before’ picture.

My son’s field trip consent form lists walkmans & radios under ‘Optional items.’ Where the hell are they going, 1989??

I’m writing a song about this year, so far i have AAAAAAAAH OH MY GOD WHAT IS HAPPENING

[funeral]
ME: [giving eulogy] we lost a man, but we gained a corpse

I doubt anyone’s actually “dying” from seeing a cute baby picture on FB, but we can always dream.

I think being an anxiety/antisocial person would save me in most horror movie scenarios.

I don’t answer my phone or my door, I’m rarely out after 7 pm, and if I hear a weird noise, I ignore it as its none of my business.

But…I do like antiques, haunted trinkets would get me.

Review of Black Holes: Zero Stars

dear god make me a bird so I can fly. fly far far away and also so I can poop on people

Note to self: Never choose a company name that ends in a verb.

i kinda love job interviews solely because i’m the most delusional person of all time and they make me feel like i’m on a talk show

Don’t take your kids to Disneyland when they’re under 4 years old cause they’ll never remember it. Wait till they’re a little older and then lie to them about how you took them.

if men were attracted to weird digestive gurgle noises I’d be having a whole nother kind of sex life

Blessed are the teens who leave the kitchen cleaner than they found it.

Congratulating #CrowdStrike for reaching its carbon neutrality targets six years early through its disruption of global air traffic today!

Inuits have 50 words for snow. Brits have 50 things named pudding

I’ve made a lot of bad decisions in my life but I never ate candy corn on purpose.

*seductively feeding you chicken wings while you hit on a hot chick

“I’m sorry, I really don’t know what a wingman is supposed to do.”

Tom Cruise is short for tomato filled cruise ship