I don’t know why people get mad when someone uses their driveway to turn around. You get to feel the rage of someone dropping by unexpectedly followed by the orgasmic relief of them leaving.
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I have strict instructions to my husband that upon my death he has to put that “in memory of my beautiful wife” sticker on the back of his car or I’ll haunt him forever.
But who am I kidding? I’m going to haunt him regardless.
I hope nobody on my yearbook page ever becomes famous.
My dad : My mom :
Disciplined Graceful🤝
Me : Disgrace😭
This is Facts right here 🤣🤣💀
Her: ‘We should have another kid.’
Me: *puts on Teletubbies marathon*
‘Say that again in 6 hours.’
me to the dentist: can u make my teeth more how u say al dente
🧠
Did anyone ask the daylight if it wanted to be saved?
I talk a lot of shit for someone who still uses their fingers to count.
Lance Armstrong should be applauded for being able to ride a bike so well on drugs. I tried it once. Hit a dog and fell into the canal.
You can literally say any Italian sounding words and pass it off as pasta.
I had bossatony micelli carbonara tonight.
Seeing my kids getting along, laughing, and peacefully playing together is the best fourteen seconds of my day.
Beanbag chairs are fun and comfortable but you should never buy one because one day you’ll get some really bad news and you’ll have to roll off the side and onto the floor before standing up to comfort your partner.
When your mom is combing your hair for school picture day and she tells you what a handsome boy you are.
Superman comfortably getting dressed in a phone booth indicates he had the body of a 10th grader.
Most of my upper body strength comes from trying to push a grocery cart through the store with 3 kids hanging on it.
surely got to be a better way to end each section of this Mental Health training course
There’s a man in America who claims he can rob supermarkets using telekinesis.
Food for thought, isn’t it?
“we have guests, go get me the fancy snail teapot”
[creating scorpions]
satan: hey god, can I borrow that lobster for just a second
I’ve seen the bass pro shop guy naked more than I have myself.
Me: this a rush song?
Bartender: yeah, you a fan?
Me: does this answer your questions? *lifts shirt to reveal giant tattoo that says “no”*
DOG: Then he said “Who’s a good boy?”
DOG THERAPIST: *nodding* You are of course
DOG: *wagging tail* I KNOW BUT WHY DOES HE KEEP ASKING?
Wife: We’re going to have a baby!
Friend: Wow congrats! Are you going to find out what it is?
Me: I already googled and it’s a very tiny human
A coworker just said she couldn’t change the printer ink because she’s very sensitive to electrodes(?) and didn’t have the right crystals to counteract(??)
described my dog as a “man of few words” and the uber driver didn’t laugh. gonna open the door on the freeway.
Clearly something went amiss when I said I liked an animal in the bedroom and he showed up with a raccoon.
*a single grain of pollen enters my nose*
My sinuses: We refuse to work in these hostile and unsafe conditions
My kid just asked my mom if she’d known anyone from the bible personally so I think it’s safe to say she can kiss that trust fund goodbye
Burritos are what happens when your food hugs itself.