Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

SUBWAY EMPLOYEE: would you like your receipt?
ME: no thank you i don’t want any proof that i’ve eaten here

Target can refuse you a job, but they can’t stop you from asking the guests in dressing rooms if everything’s fitting ok

I just want to learn enough sign language to convince a hair stylist to cut my hair in silence

Careful, that’s a load-bearing delusion

WIFE: What’re the kids doing?
ME: Playing lawn darts.
W: Is it safe?
M: Hope not.
W:
M:
W: Wtf
M: Can’t afford to send both to college, Jen

He said he wanted to “put more than just words in my mouth” and I was like “I hope you mean hamburgers.”

Sure you may FEEL old, but did YOUR parents need a TV commercial to remind them you existed?

Me: Thank you for rescuing me from such a desperate situation.

Hubs: Again, hitting the wrong button on the remote is not a “desperate situation.”

You’d think I was wanted for murder the way I react when someone knocks on my door..

I just locked eyes with a spider.

But instead of killing him I ran away and hid, so he can spend the night stressing about where I am.

I dread doing laundry as if I didn’t have a machine that washes the clothes for me and another that dries them for me, as I do nothing

Agreed to an “interview” by my 5y/o and her first question was, “What do you want for dinner and why is it tater tots?” and I feel like this is a hit job.

I will never be a cocomelon parent you gone sit here n watch the wire season 4

The way I describe twitter to people is there is a lot of politics but you can just follow an account that is entirely from a moustache’s perspective instead if you want to.

Understand men, or die trying.

Or try dying.
Or quit trying.
Or lie crying.
Or cry tweeting.

Or tweet trying, to understand men.

[after a zombie encounter]

me: you gotta shoot me

friend: but what if we find a cure

me: *aware of how much zombies walk* please

I see Netflix changed The Punisher’s origin to have his family killed by the government instead of him getting bit by a radioactive punish.

‘Nuts and bolts’ would be a good name for a diary of one night stands.

Trying to explain to a patron that because of their behavior they’ve been asked to leave the library.
“I did leave the library,” they say.
“Yes, but then you turned around and came right back in. You can’t just respawn.”

If we’re talking & I start running my nails up & down your arm, I either really like you, or I’m looking for an artery close to the surface.

Them: it’s a fool’s errand
Me: then I’m the man for the job

Lucky for me, I don’t have enough friends for an intervention

My wedding didnt even make it into my sister’s instagram september dump but her Starbucks order did

me: [letting dog lick my face]
wife: that’s disgusting
me: [squirting shampoo into my hand] you’re the one who used all the hot water linda

no i don’t subtweet, i voodoo doll like a real adult.

Did you know you can gain 20 pounds in 2 months, but it takes 3257 days to lose 5 pounds?

It’s amazing that every single kid on the planet is cunning enough to know that “I’m thirsty” has the best odds of delaying sleep. Think about it–between dinner & bath water they’ve had PLENTY to drink. Over time they’ve played every card & independently found the ace of spades.

Sorry I commented on that video of your kid taking his first steps with “aw look you taught it how to walk on its hind legs!”

Saw a used kettle I liked on eBay. It said “needs filter”, but I thought the picture of it was fine as is.

[pulled over]

Cop: Sir the reason I stopped you is your license plate is just a piece of paper with numbers written on it

Me: (offers badly drawn $100 bill) Oh you don’t say maybe this will clear everything up