Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’m writing a horror story. It’s about a girl who forgets her headphones and her colleagues think it’s ok to talk to her. So much blood.

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That moment when you google a recipe hoping for a list of ingredients and a method, only to find eight pages of guff which begins “I was five when I first realised I had a fear of envelopes…”

I hate it when my sock puppets fight. I don’t have a free hand to break them up.

every time i ask a guy where he got his sunglasses, their answer is like “15 years ago my friend found these on the ground and then he left them in my car. now we both own the sunglasses and we share them. this is my weekend with the sunglasses”

His Holiness the Dalai Lama invited you to play Candy Crush.

DM from account I don’t follow: “Hi”

Click on account

Follows – 7
Followers – 0
Tweets – 0
Retweets – 0
AVI – Pretty girl

Me: Okay, I can work with this.

In the next Mad Max movie instead of fighting over gasoline they should be fighting over toilet paper.

One beautiful tradition in my mother’s culture is that if someone is sick,
the neighbours won’t hesitate to bring over food and help with errands,
but I can’t help but wonder when they will start getting suspicious over the fact that we’ve had the flu for 7 months now…

This device could predict incoming phone calls.

Wife: You’re shirtless?
*nods*
W: And covered in…oil?
-Well, you know how you always say I never glisten?
W: Listen. You never listen.
-Oh

[movie studio in the 2010s]

“This script stars The Rock as-”

Studio: WE’LL MAKE IT

Can we skip the sex and go straight to the sandwich?

-That toaster oven looks worn out. Why are you still using it?

-Sentimental attachment.

-It just caught fire.

-Aww, just like old times.

I only watch the groundhog festivities in hopes that Punxsutawney Phil will maul someone.

My family tasked me with prepping the canned cranberry sauce and I don’t eat berries from a can so I had no idea how it was supposed to be. It looked like jello so I smashed it all up and apparently I was supposed to slice it. My grandma is crying

[First ever date]

ME: I just didn’t feel a spark

CAVEWOMAN: a what?

Ninja turtles from Italy have names like Dave or Randy

The 50k lady’s grandfather left her money that he could’ve spent on himself, and she handed it to scammers. Folks, NEVER provide for your family

I want to be more optimistic about aging but my 5 year old just found out I am 30 today and now she’s claiming the jewelry she wants to have when I’m dead.

People always say I make things sound sexual but I try not to pry them open and force my thick throbbing opinion down inside them.

[1907. the first convenience store opens]

GUY WHO INVENTED INCONVENIENCE STORES: damn

Why do Americans choose from just two people to run for president and 50 for Miss America?

*waking up hogtied in the trunk of a car*
………
*goes back to sleep*

yes, national anxiety is high, but at least it also gets dark at 4pm

MENTOR: I am now sponsored by Cheetos, but it shan’t affect my wise counsel
ME: How can I become-
MENTOR: Dangerously cheesy? Glad you asked

me: hang on, I’m just gonna jump in the shower

me, in shower: *jumping*

[enters elevator]

Me: *audible toot*

Them:

Me: I am not here to make friends.

dad: “what’s that nice french place we went to called again?”
me: “france?”
dad: “that’s the one”