Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Here’s a video of a guy putting a camera on a sushi conveyer belt. It’s wonderful. Every table has a little story!

A young guy at work asked me if I’m ready for Christmas.

I’m 52 yrs old Connor. I just turned down my radio so I can see better. I’m not even ready for today.

I definitely have more respect for teachers after homeschooling for the past few weeks. On the other hand, I should probably figure out whose kid this is. Anybody missing a math prodigy with a runny nose?

Each year more people die in bathtub accidents than plane accidents, but any idiot thinking they can fly a bathtub deserves what they get.

Groceries be like
$5.47
$.89
$4.99
$6.99
$1.25
$1.25

TOTAL: $76.42

CW: Aimee, could I get your signature on this agreement?
Me: *pauses*
(with Cheeto stained lips)
*kisses paper*
CW:
Me: That’s my signature.

If you’re in a revolving door with me, know that I’m only pretending to push.

“I’m sure it’ll turn up” – Translation: I’m bored of helping you look.

ME: where’s Jim

GUY: your guess is as good as mi—

ME: the moon

GUY: ok no

i’m vegetarian, but sometimes i introduce myself as vegan so people will leave me alone

Every time you downvote a reply, Twitter releases a lion emoji to eat that user.

Husband: Do you know where I put my lava lamp?
Me: 1970.

[Wheel of Fortune]

Puzzle: _’_ L_ _E T_ S_ L_E T_E _ _ _ _LE

Contestant: “I’d like to solve the puzzle.”

Pat Sajak: “Okay.”

Contestant: “I’d like to solve the puzzle.”

Pat Sajak: “Okay.”

My 8 year old daughter and my teen son are being sweet to me again, all it took was breaking my arm.

I walked down a street where the houses were numbered 64K, 128K, 256K, 512K and 1MB. That was a trip down memory lane.

Ok, imagine torturing someone

But, by torture, I’m just asking a person to get their pajamas on

And, by someone, I mean my son

#parenthood

Due to an unforeseen error during last night’s love making session I am forced to wear non matching socks today

Don’t let Hollywood fool you. I was in an orphanage for 13 yrs and we only broke into a song & choreographed dance twice

Me, after a minor inconvenience:

WHO LET THE T-REX OUT OF ITS PADDOCK JESUS CHRIST DO I HAVE TO DO EVERYTHING AROUND HERE?

This pepper spray feels like no really meant no

trying to get through to Mozart on the Ouija board I really want him to listen to the Thong Song

In 2016 I stayed at a hotel that offered “all-day room service starting at 5 p.m.”

I go to Costco sometimes just to pet the rotisserie chickens.

Our lovely neighbours politely mentioned our piano was very noisy. So we put it up for sale on the street what’s app group. Their other neighbours on the other side of their house have literally just bought it

“These are serious allegations”

You never hear about anyone making hilarious allegations.

*walks in with singed eyebrows and an empty gas can*

Friend: The revenge didn’t go as planned, did it?

Me: *grabs chainsaw* Nope.

*tells five other people to remember their toothbrush for vacation.

*forgets her own toothbrush.

It’s all fun & games till somebody has to explain to the optometrist what a golden shower is & why your eye is highly irritated.

The very existence of a flying mammal is intrinsically insulting to a flightless bird. Hence the huge animosity involved in The Penguin vs Batman.