Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

my beloved wife was on the second earth as it detached from our earth and drifted forever #FirstWorldProblems

My neighbor caught me going through my own garbage can to find my engagement ring, so I told her, “There are some great deals in there on Tuesdays.”

Don’t buy a belt at the zoo, it’s just a snake trying to escape.

I hope Obama spends the last 2 years of his term replying to all the tweets we’ve sent him.

*waves arm in the direction of the lake*

One day, all this will be yours.

12: Are you threatening to drown me?

Me: Just make your bed, k?

The kids I babysit wanted to watch Coco but I said we couldn’t because I would cry, so then they asked to watch Moana instead and I said that movie also makes me cry and this child just looks at me and says, “I don’t think it’s a problem with the movies”.

FRIEND: To get out of a ticket, just make the cop laugh.

[later]

COP: Do you know why I pulled you over?

ME: Uh oh, guess who’s awoken the tickle monster?

Him: Baby imma call you back, im in the middle of a shootout.
Her: Yea w.e, tell that bitch I said she can have you.

If you ever want to defeat your enemy in battle, just throw a waterlogged nerf football at their head.

I wish I had my mom’s zest for living. she once took a kitchen knife and carved a giant hole in the wall of her closet because she “always wanted a house with a secret passage.” mom you live in a trailer

This guy in CVS was FaceTime with his girl and she trying to direct him on what pads to get. He was so lost. I heard what she asked for and put it in the phone camera and she says “thank you girl” without even seeing my face 😂😂😂😂😂

The coronavirus is exactly like that houseguest who won’t take the hint to leave but who also won’t stop killing people.

In 3rd grade the bus driver missed my house but I was too embarrassed to say anything so I got off at the last stop and started a new life.

1. Rage against the machine.
2. Check to make sure machine is plugged in.
3. Apologize to the toaster for the misunderstanding.

My dad teaching me to drive

ME: lick it slam it suck it, right?

HER: give me back my baby

[inventor of flame thrower] i’m probably not a psychopath for making this, right?

The audacity per square inch in a 3 year old is unmatched at any age.

As I was going through my wallet for a second I thought I got robbed… And then I remembered I got gas.

I mean, really though, who hasn’t seen a UFO at this point?

I call my horse mayo
bc mayo neighs

[Garden of Eden]
EVE: If I eat the apple I get to leave?
GOD: Get to?
ADAM SANDLER: Eatin that appley bappodoodaly
EVE: Yes, get to.

[12 hours without eating]

Maybe Hannibal Lecter was just really hungry

Lawyer: the evidence points to him as our prime suspect

Me [lips on the mic]: tell the evidence it’s not polite to point

I jumped out of bed at 6am trying to catch the ice cream truck because I heard the music in a dream… so now I’m awake and I have no ice cream, this is bullshit

You’re lifting weights dude, you’re not in labor. Settle down.

The Lion King is my favourite film outlining why you shouldn’t trust your uncle

I hate when you’re talking to a woman at a bar and some guy comes up and says “Is this guy bothering you?”
It’s even worse when your wife says, “He really is.”

My siblings and me have a tradition where we all put in $100 to give to whoever’s birthday it is. So since it’s 6 of us, on each of our birthdays we get $500 to celebrate. Today is my little brothers 30th birthday and he texted us at 5am for his money lol

I’m too polite to tell you that I dislike you, but if I ever serve you kale…take the hint.