I don’t know why people say Twitter isn’t a dating app. I’ve encountered plenty of available married men here.
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It never occurs to people too stupid to look both ways before stepping into the street that other, just-as-stupid people might be behind the wheel of a car.
Anyway, I need to find a carwash.
On a ladder putting a cinema poster up.
Lady said “Is King Kong Coming?”
I said “No it’s just the paste off my brush”
my landlord is angry because I put an entire suit of armor down the laundry chute again
Halloween decorating with a 6yo is fun. You get to say things like “no cobwebs on the dog” and “no we’re not putting pumpkins on the roof.”
BANK EMPLOYEE:
*chasing me*
sir! you can’t leave with that!
ME: *running w/ a pen w/ a chain still attached*
I BROUGHT IT WITH ME FROM HOME!
I miss lying to closest friends about where i am on my transit journey
Do one person every day that scares you.
some lady dressed as catwoman is walking around our halloween party just knocking drinks off tables
“It seems like many polls are turning against you. How do you respond?”
TRUMP: They should be sent back to Poland. Very dangerous people.
If my neighbors would just talk a little louder I could follow along with their conversation, but no. Rude.
My friend asked for suggestions for something short and funny to watch so I suggested my 12yo son.
[in bed]
gf: I thought we could experiment with toys
me: fine, but not my buzz lightyear
Me: Hiding in my pantry from a murderer
Also me: Opens a bag chips in pantry gets murdered
Kids today will never know the joy of being selected to go outside to dust the erasers.
I have never heard an armadillo before.
the guy who came up with the name “eggnog” should get to name more things
Me: I just stepped in dog shit, isn’t that weird?
Her: Not really
Me: Ok, what if I told you I knew it was there?
Slippers made out of Lego so that when you step on Lego you just get taller.
“How do you call the police?”
— my 5yo, angry because he can’t have his iPad
Woke up this morning with a pillow over my face, hearing someone muttering “…it would be so easy…”
Dentist: Ok, I’m going to start drilling.
“Wait! What if I have to poop?”
D: Then you should go now.
*awkward pause*
“Thanks I feel better.”
Him: I’m gonna throw you over my shoulder, carry you into the bedroom, toss you onto the bed, and have my way with you…
Me: Ok but on the way to the bedroom, can we swing by the fridge?
Lord give me the strength to stop buying a sausage roll every single time I pass somewhere that sells sausage rolls.
DATE: I love heavy metal
ME: [trying to impress] My Dad was crushed by iridium
Them: Your body is your friend.
Me: Friends don’t wake you up at 4am.
Me: Do you need a sample?
Nurse: Ma’am we just need to swab your throat
Me: But I gotta pee and I don’t want it to go to waste
[kidnapper hands wife phone]
“brent”
BABY IM COMIN *kidnapper takes back phone but she can hear me yelling* IS THE HAM IN THE FRIDGE EXPIRED