Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

11: He shoots for her coffee. He SCORES! HE’S…

Me: Grounded.

Sometimes a man has needs that can’t be fulfilled in the home.
[goes to animal shelter and pets all the cats]

[raises hand in math class]
HOW DO PEOPLE WHO WORK AT THE SPAM CORPORATION KNOW WHEN THEY’RE GETTING UNSOLICITED EMAIL?

A charcuterie board is just dry soup

I sent my wife a copy of a menu from a really fancy restaurant ahead of time….
….she’ll be so surprised when we pull up at this Applebee’s.

Her: but why aren’t the candles ON the cake?

Me: it’s not a birthday cake, Denise. it’s a summoning tart.

My Mom says since I’m 33 years old she no longer has to watch me do sweet cannonballs at the pool. That’s total bullshit.

The best thing about alcohol hand gel in hospitals isn’t the hygiene, but that everyone walks around like they’re hatching a dastardly plan.

“I’m totally against the selfie-stick but every now and then an exception comes along.”

Credit: AndrewBloch

I told my date I was depressed. I added, “not like cut my inner thigh depressed, but sleep with you even though I don’t like you depressed.”

My optometrist: Well, it’s normal as you age for…

I don’t know what he said after that.😑

I just heard a lady sitting at the table next to me say, “My burger is confusing.”

That’s it. I’m done with people.

her: isn’t my baby beautiful

me: *don’t say he looks like Gollum*
*don’t say he looks like Gollum*
*don’t say he looks like Gollum*
he’s…precious

her: you said all of that out loud

Celebrities are like we’re just like you then they name their kids Fruitcake and Archipelago.

*adds 50lb of bird seed to cart*

Acme online: people who buy this also buy

– bird-feeder
– giant mouse trap
– jet-propelled pogo stick
– painting fake tunnels for dummies
-first aid kit
– anvil

The beatles purposefully wrote catchy songs to generate interest in their band

Nickleback is playing in this Taco Bell.

How much diarrhea can one person handle??!?

Dracula: I vant to suck your blood!

Me, a waiter: Is Pepsi okay?

Dracula: *sighing* I guess.

doctor: are u drinking enough fluids

me: i’ve never drunk anything else

I don’t mean to sound racist, but why do all Chinese food takeout boxes look the same?

I love it when all my iPhone apps tremble in fear when I’m about to delete one of them. Makes me feel like God.

I hate to brag but I’ve been kicked out of several cults for being too weird.

they really wanted me dead for this

In hindsight, when I caught up with my old friends and told them their kids were shooting up, I should have clarified I was talking about their height.

ME: (signing) What color are apples?
BOBO THE GORILLA: (signing) Please free me from this prison
ME: (writing) Still struggling with colors

I don’t like coconut so I don’t eat coconut. I don’t follow coconut around criticizing its texture or taste or tweets or sense of humor.

I would be putting Jesus in my body every night if only he had chosen cookies over bread

M: I just can’t find the words.

H: She’s kidding, give her a minute.

If I don’t duck my head when I drive into the parking garage what’s gonna keep my car from hitting the ceiling?

Friend at work gave me some edibles. So I’m taking the train instead of driving.