@GaryJanetti

I don’t know why Russia is so homophobic. Most of the women there look like men anyway.

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@AristotlesNZ

Whenever I’m picking up my wife I skid to a stop by her & yell “Come with me if you want to live!” so she knows she married pure awesomeness

@KyleMcDowell86

[I just barely squeeze thru the elevator doors as they shut, however my chain wallet get caught, ripping my pants off as the elevator rises]

@AnneM69

I love people who IM me to tell me that they left a voice message to say that they sent me an email

@HousewifeOfHell

Someday, scientists will capture the energy of eye rolls to produce electricity, and the world will be a cleaner, more sarcastic place.

@UnFitz

Who called them reply guys instead of first responders?

@mydmac

I really wish my twitter crush would scream out my name instead of ‘hey you’ every time he catches me in the tree in his front yard.

@Mr_Kapowski

My 8 year old was awake on the couch at 6 am and said “I always wake up at this time, Daddy” and I felt like I was in a horror movie trailer

@2facedshepherd

The Notebook (2004) A stranger harasses a nursing home resident with stories about people she doesn’t know (PG-13 2hr 3min)

@punmagnate

What idiot called it a rattlesnake’s warning rattle and not a cautionary tail?