Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“Always give your food a rinse before you eat it,” my dad always used to say.

Lovely man.

Made terrible sandwiches.

My daughter, the world’s worst hider, asked me to play hide & seek. I counted to 20 and began a search that eclipsed 10 minutes. I was truly stumped, then I heard her playing in the backyard. “I thought you wanted to play hide & seek?” I asked. “Oh, yeah,” she said. “I forgot.”

This is probably a controversial take but I think the sanitation worker responsible for garbage collection on Sesame Street should be fired.

I hate when people text me “what are you doing?” at 1:00 pm on a weekday.

Well I don’t have your Art History degree, so probably “working”.

Drove a wedge of suspicion today between the fast food employee at the first window and the one at the second.

I wanted to go out tonight, but the avocado I bought last week will finally be ripe enough to eat between 9pm – 9.15pm so I can’t.

When my wife sends me to the grocery store solo with a specific list I am not allowed to improvise. That was made clear when I got home.

“your cat will eat you when you die” yeah but he shows infinite grace by making no attempt in the meantime. leave him alone

The government always waits until the last minute to prevent a shutdown, much like my approach to paying taxes.

I’m awake.

Please respect my privacy during this difficult time.

Them: Go big or go home

Me, 30 mins later, in my bed: This is nice

Everyone has beautiful pics posted. Where are the losers? I’m leaving.

hot take but IMO the internet was better when it was just dorks and social outcasts. after they let hot people on here everyone got all weird

them: do you promise to tell the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth, so help you god?

me: finger quotes sure

Fun tip:

Go to carnivals, scatter nuts and bolts around rides to cut down on wait times.

*thumbs up*

” All I’m saying is if your girl wasn’t thinking about me during sex, why is she always screaming my name?”

-God

Kids: *misbehaving in public*

Me: Keep it up and I’ll get my breakdancing cardboard out of the trunk.

I’m feeling a little too good about myself today, I guess I’ll call my mother.

guy: excuse me, can you jump my car

me: *tying shoes* probably how tall is it

guy: no like-

me: *handing phone* take a video

On our break this morning, I started to tell my wife about the novel scene I was writing. Halfway through my explanation, she took out a grocery store receipt and started silently reading it to herself.

No professional review will ever so harsh. I am now dead.

Me: Do that thing I like.

Him: *gives me the good allergy pills*

I feel like HGTV is creating some false expectations for the attractiveness of the contractor you hire for home renovations.

Meets girl at bar.
Takes her to Ikea.

Quickly learns the difference between one-night stand and one nightstand.

You know what they say, the secret to a good relationship is never going to bed married.

Girl, are you Chernobyl? Because you warm me to the core and leave me glowing. Also I think you’ve killed some people.

Please be aware that excessive smoke from your barbecue may cause your neighbour to throw snails into your garden every night for the next six months.

Dentist: this is gonna hurt a little bit
Me: ok
Dentist: I’ve been sleeping with your mom

The guy at DQ gave me an extra chicken strip so I guess it will be a June wedding

Engelbert Humperdinck actually chose that name, he was not born with it.

I think about this a lot.

nurse: time of death

doctor: 4:19—

[i take one last breath]

doctor: it’s still 4:19 you idiot