I don’t know why Shark Tank rejected my Snore Stopper Pillow.
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ad for vacations:
how would you like to feel extremely tired somewhere else
if i ever get an STI, my husband and my boyfriend are gonna have a lot of explaining to do
I don’t get why you have to call my wife *librarian ignores me while on phone* “your husband is here trying to check out a book about ramps”
Me: I’d like a nap please.
Domino’s employee: Ma’am, this is Domino’s.
Me: Ok one extra large nap and an order of cheesy bread.
March 16
Me: Dropped my phone & now screen doesn’t work.
Help forum: Should’ve had a better case.
Apparently, my mother works in Samsung support now.
Person: It’s not rocket science.
Rocket science [wipes forehead and exhales] : Whew! Nearly got caught there.
Me: goodnight son I love you.
3yo:
Me: I said I love you.
3yo: I love milk.
Me: okay. *unplugs nightlight*
“Stop counting”—-me to my Visa card bill
doctor: your body is weak. take care of it
mobster: got it
[later, gun to his chest]
mobster: doctor sends his regards
“My dog’s learning to speak a foreign language.”
“Español?”
“No, he’s a labrador.”
I was standing in the line at McDonald’s yesterday and just as I got to the counter my boyfriend kissed me and then loudly said ‘you are the best sister ever’ and walked away and the girl in McDonald’s looked at me in disgust and I’ve never wanted to die so much in my life
Sorry I embarrassed you when I tried to draft Smaug, but I totally misunderstood the concept of a Fantasy football league.
Me: So you want to see other people?
Him: I’m just getting glasses!
I’m so talented I can not only spill food on my clothes but I can get it on yours too.
Interviewer : On your resume, you have the word “thigh” and it’s blank for 2 years. Please explain.
Me: That’s my thigh gap
[sound of can opening]
wife: you’re drinking a beer this early?
me: c’mon…it’s super bowl sunday
wife: but we’re still at church
Beauty is in the Eye of the:
A) Holder
B) Holder
C) Holder
D) Holder
Isn’t it annoying when someone sits next to you in an empty cinema? I didn’t think so but that’s what my new best friend is telling security
Cashier: how old r u?
Me:*holding beer nervously* uuh 21
Cashier:*shaking his head sadly as he pulls Trix out of my cart* Trix are for kids.
Duct tape will only support 35 lbs when trying to climb walls like Spiderman. (I’m sober now)
if you really want to capture her heart this Valentine’s Day sculpt her likeness in ham, the most sensual of the smoked meats
[prison riot]
me: here comes the tickle monster!!
[gets stabbed 100 times]
Life is a balance as you age. You lose hair, hearing and keen eyesight but you gain insight, experience and a lot of weight. Bad trade.
[Spider-Man shows up at my house]
*I carefully scoop him up on a piece of paper and release him outside my door*
omg thanks for ending the meeting 4 minutes early and “giving me some time back” — now I can finally pursue my passions
9am: protein shake, oatmeal
1pm: small salad, chicken breast
5pm: grilled salmon, spinach
9pm: 4 whole “i don’t give a shit anymore” pizzas
No one ever seems to break their legs when they drop from a portal in the sky.
guy inventing jogging: how can i suffer but with music
I didn’t even know Canada existed until Twitter.