I don’t know why Shark Tank rejected my Snore Stopper Pillow.
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The government has officially replaced all measurements of time with fruit. More news at banana.
I hate hotel duvets. They are so thick, i can’t close my suitcase.
What kind of crime would I have to commit in order to get the FBI to come in here and dust?
[Crime scene]
Detective: the victim was high af when he died.. you could say it was
*takes off sunglasses*
D: blunt force trauma
Dye packets but for the person who takes the last donut.
squirrels pondering the nature of why they end up on the wire they just jumped from a moment ago
They say Life never gives you more than you can handle.
Life seems to have me confused with twelve jugglers.
WIFE: Not your eyes! You dont have to prove it anymore
GUY WHO CLAIMS HE PUTS HOT SAUCE ON EVERYTHING: *thru tears* I made a commitment babe
Lets keep this short tell me what I did right
Teacher: Bob, how do you make a nail plural?
Dumb Bob: You add S.
T: *amazed* Yes! Come up to the board and show us.
DB: [writes] SNAIL
It’s really only a Supreme Court if it comes with sour cream.
I’ve always had a soft spot in my heart for female T-Rex because the tampon insertion must’ve been really difficult.
Absolutely fucking crushed it on teams today lads
Sorry I’m late. The door said PULL, but I don’t believe everything I read.
me: dating is hard
me on a date: future archaeologist will dig up disney world and assume it’s a temple of mouse worship
You breed dogs? Don’t they do that on their own?
[commercial for kids]
woman *opens pantry and 6 bags of chips fall out* ARGH!
narrator: Are you tired of having food in your house?
🚫No Riding A Motorcycle While Being Haunted By The Memory Of A Deceased Pet
Of course I believe you are God’s gift to women.
He gave us periods and painful childbirth. Why not you too?
He instantly became one of the bros
Melted butter is an essential oil, right?…..right??
please may i have the balding salaryman post-it notes….he grows alarmingly more bald as you use them…ah..
I like to watch the murder shows on Investigation Discovery so I don’t make the same mistakes those killers did.
That clothes store that catered to old people 20 years ago is suddenly catering to me now. Wild.
I hate how everything is organic now. I miss chemicals.
Me: I’m full of lust but I can’t perform in bed
Doctor: Do you struggle with the booze?
Me *looks at wife* the booing is bad but the slow clapping is just sarcastic
IM CRYING AT HIS REPLY
4-year-old: Why am I not in your wedding pictures?
Me: You were born 3 years later.
4: *cries because we didn’t invite her*
my ears are currently carrying sunglasses, headphones, and a face mask. ears are a purse
Girl from my high school posted on Facebook that she got a “constellation prize” at a church carnival yesterday. She skipped school a lot.