I don’t know why smokey the bear carries a shovel, but it scares the shit out of me.
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I lost my virginity once, I know I can do it again.
Mommy! I cleaned my room. Come see!
*walks past big pile of toys and books in the hallway*
“Great job, sweetie!”
Thanks to Twitter, rock bottom now has a waiting list.
Starting to think I’m single because of everyone else’s shortcomings.
One of my coworkers keeps stealing my lunch, so I included my favorite cucumber today. Hope she likes it.
I’ve had to repeat everything I’ve said to Alexa today like we’re married.
neil armstrong: i’ll take that for you
neil armweak: can you carry this?
The 10 Most Defining Viral Twitter Posts of All Time
1.
Revenge is a dish best served by cutting a sandwich horizontally instead of diagonally
Nature: How many legs do you guys want to have?
Ant: 6 is cool.
Spider: 8 is fine
Snake: Don’t need any.
Millepede: Like 1,000.
Hey buddy, if you didn’t want me napping in your pet store you shouldn’t have sleeping rooms filled with puppies.
If you see a “lost & found” box in the proctologist’s office keep walking.
Your call is very important to us and we’ll answer it once we figure out our new phone system.
Based on my family’s hatred for vegetables and always throwing them in the garbage, I hope I’m never in a coma.
Teachers: “There are no stupid questions”
Parents of toddlers: “There are mostly stupid questions”
Wife: You clearly have a favorite child by the way you named them.
Me: Not true. I love both equally.
Mary: Thanks Dad
Mistake: I hate you
Shout-out to smartphones for eliminating tedious tasks from our lives like reading books or watching the road when we drive.
I ended it after I checked his browser history and found hundreds of video game walk-throughs. Once a cheater, always a cheater.
If you told Alexander Hamilton that the online lottery to see his rap musical was unavailable due to server overload, he’d be like, “WITCH!”
Saw a tempting new kind of ice cream in the case at the grocery store and, for some reason, audibly said “Hi” to it. A lady behind me said “Excuse me?” and I motioned to the glass door in front of me and realized I looked like a parakeet enamored by the strange bird in the mirror
I start undressing you with my eyes. About halfway through, your zipper gets caught on my cornea and I start screaming in agony.
I caught a glimpse of myself in the mirror this morning, so I guess once again my personality will be doing all the work today
Sometimes you just have to throw away a few sheets of perfectly good printer paper so it can hide all the candy wrappers in your trash can.
What do you call a zombie who stir fries?
Dead man wokking
Mimes are known to commit
unspeakable acts.
Me: I am a man of substance.
Motion-activated faucet: No.
Teacher: You’re gonna need this in 20 years, so pay attention.
Me: Why not teach us something practical like how to balance our checkbook or do our taxes?
Teacher: Listen, if you don’t come across someone buying 30 watermelons at the supermarket, I will be flabbergasted.
date: So what do you do?
me: *pulls out stuffed fox* I’m a taxidermist
date: Oh wow
fox: and a ventriloquist
Sorry I’m late, I was waiving my hands at a paper towel dispenser that turned out to not be automatic.
i miss the suez canal boat. you know the one