I don’t know why so many people blame their air conditioning for their inability to spell.
You Might Also Like
I don’t know who started the malicious rumour I’m mostly mole but I’m going to keep digging.
[gets intuitive notification]
you know what, apple watch, I think I will finish that outdoor walk from 2011
I’ve started an all male cow gang.
Because in life, anything is posse bull !!
[during sex]
Him: it’d be nice if you were a little more enthusiastic
Me: *pulls out giant foam finger*
I wish catalog models could do one pose with bad posture, looking awkward and self-conscious, so I’d know how the outfit would look on me
Has anyone thought of putting together a montage of celebrities singing Imagine to help get us through these economically challenging times
c’mon!
Baby Soldier: Ma’am. Your husband is MIA.
Soldiers wife: *covers crying face with hands*
Baby Soldier: Oh great! Now his wife is MIA too.
I told a second grader today I didn’t have a cell phone when I was his age and he looked at me sadly and said oh so you had a flip phone?
yeah st. louis has some weird eating habits but did you know that when you ask for pizza in chicago they give you lasagna
Boss: Don’t beat a dead horse
Me: Wait, are you OK with beating a live horse?
B: Please shut up
M: I don’t take orders from horse-beaters
Every jogger is running towards cake or away from kale.
All day: I’m so tired I could cry
12:30 am: Not only should I write a musical, I should do it right now
This afternoon a crew of men were installing Christmas lights on a house down the street. The next thing I hear is a boy yelling, “It’s not Decemberrrrrr!!”
That’s how I knew my son was home from school.
Waiter: May I recommend the steak?
Dracula: You may not
people who put their finger everywhere: leave my dimples alone
Me: Quick question: Did you ask me to help raise your baby, or help “braise” your baby?
Her: Are you grilling something out back? That smells delicious
Me: Please answer my question first
SON: I was awarded the Leslie Nielsen badge at school
ME: What’s that?
SON: A big building with lots of kids
*my wife catches me in bed looking at an optical illusions book* HONEY, NO IT’S NOT WHAT IT LOOKS LIKE
Banker: I understand you’d like to apply for a student loan?
Me: Yes. Preferably one that’s good at math.
Banker: What?
Me: What?
[Being murdered]
Me: You’re stabbing wrong
Murderer:
Me: Keep your wrist in a neutral posture, let the knife do the work
[Stabbing intensifies, but ergonomically]
Drink like a fish and you’ll never feel like a fish out of water socially. You might look like one but you’ll never feel like one…
this is the kind of friend i am
don’t smoke pots because they are made of clay and can burn your tongue
I’ve gained so much weight during this time off, my dating profile just matched me with a refrigerator.
Your Game of Thrones name is your biggest fear spelled backwards plus the profession your guidance counselor suggested. Mine is Snwolc Clown
Good morning to everyone but those being intentionally vague. You know who you are!
Me: I think I’m gonna do a live scream tonight
Her, about to regret asking this question: don’t you mean live strea-
Me: *inhales*
Don’t let people tell you that you can’t give up. You totally can. I do it all the time.
*goes back in time*
*goes forward in time*
*goes back in time*
*goes forward in time*
*goes back in time*
*goes forward in time*– parallel parking a time machine