Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me [crying]: I just don’t understand what I did wrong. Please let me in.

Automatic Door: Screw. You.

son: I don’t think he likes me
wife: your dad just has a hard time showing affection
me: [holding bag of doritos] GOD I LOVE DORITOS

“I’m quitting Twitter forever!”

This isn’t Twitter International Airport. You don’t need to announce your departure.

We’re just a typical family. My wife is in the kitchen baking her secret recipe cupcakes and my sons are outside lighting the shed on fire.

[being haunted]

Me: *tries to text ghostbusters*

Ghost: actually you have to call them, they’re pretty specific about that

Me:

Ghost:

Me: you know what being haunted is fine

I’m sure Leonardo DiCaprio‘s girlfriend is a wonderful person but I saw a headline that said she “has a message for her haters” and all I could think was “is it ‘I really need my .5 lead mechanical pencil back before Bio’”

At 11am my neighbour told me she’d been for a run, baked a cake and done 2 loads of laundry so I told her if she came at me with that kind of talk again I’d have to call the police

When you’ve aged 15 years since 2020 and they still tell you that you’re cute

“LOOK JUST GIVE US THE BREAD, BARBARA, WE DON’T WANT TO HURT YOU”

Thank you for sharing that story with us, now if you’ll excuse me, I need to go boil my soul.

We brought home a betta fish, and I’ve officially spent more time deciding it’s name than I did naming the kids

I told a guy on MySpace 16 years ago I would brb. I. Never. Brb’d.

inside you there are two whales, one is a whale, the other is also a whale, as mentioned previously

Our dishwasher works exceedingly well, as long as you only put clean dishes in it.

Is it a bad sign when your 8 year old laptop starts smoking?
Or is it just going through a rebellious phase?

“Excuse the mess; we had guests,” I graciously explain, leaving out the “five months ago” part.

I grilled a bunch of elk meat before my buddy told me,

“You’re making a big moose steak.”

Sorry I looked completely surprised that your baby didn’t burst into flames when I chanted The Power Of Christ Compels You.

My daughter wants to be really scary this Halloween so instead of a costume she is going to carry a school fundraising packet to every door.

Coworker: See you next year. Hahaha

Me: Not if you die tonight. Hahaha

One day we will tell our grandkids how far we had to scroll to get to the recipe.

One day, I hope to give someone a small, very personal item and then gently close their fingers over it

[airline check-in]

SERVICE DESK: ok, I see you have no bags to check, you must be traveling light

PHOTON (wearing fake mustache): haha what makes you say that

I asked my mom how her first date went with a guy she met on eharmony and she said “let’s just say we were physically compatible” and I said “let’s just say fine next time”

I’ve never met a cake I didn’t want to fork.

[At the Dr]

Me: but the voices won’t stop.
Dr: those are people, they’re allowed to talk.

Me watching any ad in 2024: How is this ad an ad for the thing it’s an ad for?

Now that my whole family is in our house all the time, it’s just nothing but drive-by shushing of each other all day.

*calls lost & found*

Me: Have you seen my patience?

L&F: Hold on a second.

Me: *click*

Me: What happened to all the bourbon?

Her: Oh, I put it in the chicken.

Me: Then pour me a glass of chicken.