I don’t know why Squirrels are hiding their disgusting acorns when literally no one else eats them
You Might Also Like
wife *sees chair* [thinking] That would look great with the new rug in the living room
me *sees chair* [thinking] Chair
[city marathon]
ME *handing out drinks to the passing runners*: DRINK?
RUNNER *grabs drink from me*: THANKS
ME *chasing*: SO WHAT ARE WE?
I was about to confront my husband about the strange blonde hairs I found in our house until I realised my kid’s werewolf Halloween mask was moulting.
No one makes fun of your cargo pants when you start pulling little bottles of liquor out of them at the PTA meeting
Superman: online shopping again? money won’t buy you happiness Bruce
Batman: *ordering kryptonite* we’ll see
Establish dominance by walking around a Spirit Halloween dressed as Santa Claus.
10 Easy Steps to Learn Binary:
1) There are 1’s and 0’s
10) There are no 2’s
Nice of ads to thank me for watching as if I wasn’t a hostage
Insomniacs who are not afraid of the dark have nighty-night problems but the pitch ain’t one.
If your messages appear as “seen”, but there’s no reply, don’t worry. He probably fainted from all the excitement.
The rain is pouring. So naturally it’s a good day to eat 6 donuts.
I know I’m more literater than you because of my fancificacious vocabularianistic wordicisms.
[High School Reunion]
Me: Those were the days, right?
Mrs. Miller: You left out Thursday that time.
Murphy’s Law – If it can go wrong, it will go wrong. Cole’s Law – shredded cabbage in mayo
Interviewer: Describe your current position.
Me [from my wheelchair]: Seated.
LOL
STOP HONKING! IF I DRIVE ANY FASTER THE TINY LIZARD THAT HITCHED A RIDE ON MY HOOD IS GONNA FALL TO HIS DEATH. HAVE SOME COMPASSION, PEOPLE.
Scientists report global context shortage. “I guess I’ll have flan,” some scientist said, totally out of context.
I always forget my reusable shopping bag when I go to buy some food. So I purposely put it in my bag this morning and forgot to go and buy the food
how come we never get to click boxes of dinosaurs or volcanoes why is it always vehicles
Told my teen “I love you” when I dropped her off at school this morning and she replied “Thank you”
So if history has taught me anything, she’s probably leaving me for another mom soon.
Sprayed a spider with some Davidoff Cool Water & it didn’t die. Now I’m just stuck with a spider that I wanna bang.
According to a Doritos bag size I’m a “Family.”
My neighbor just yelled at her kids so loud, that even I brushed my teeth & went to bed.
That seems a conundrum…
🤔
Facebook Mom: OMG I can’t believe my kid is a high schooler now
Me: me too, he was quite stupid
My mom: Easter is at noon on Sunday.
Me: I’m not religious but I’m pretty sure Easter is all day.
My 5yo niece when I win the game she just made up
Someone needs to reimagine Dracula as a sugar glider
Interviewer: “So why should we hire you?”
Me: “Cause I need a job very badly.”
Interviewer: “So?”
Me: “And you have a vacancy. BINGO”