Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

me: *filling up my car with gas*

guy next to me: the gas is supposed to go in the tank

me, pulling the pump out of the window: i don’t own a tank i only have this car

That depressing moment when you start your car to go to work and it doesn’t explode.

super glad this box of pasta says “store in a cool dry place” because i usually keep all of my groceries in a bog

When you’ve brought up your child to be kind and never take sides.

Husband: Who’s fatter – mummy or daddy?
Miss 8: You both are.

WORST THINGS THAT CAN HAPPEN WHILE SKYDIVING

4. Parachute fails
3. Eagle pecks your eyes out
2. You see your house from the sky & notice your parents making love in the garden
1. You’re blown off course & land at a friend’s wedding you said you couldn’t attend because you’re ill

*sees cute boy checking me out*

me: our horde of children will have his eyes and my low standards

Kids: Dad why have you never taken us swimming

[thinking of an excuse because I can’t swim]

Me: I got killed by a shark once

Olympian: Does the most amazing dive I have ever seen in my entire life.

Announcer: Oh dear.

yeah we love eachother, but you know what would really add some spice to this relationship…. the government

I often find myself singing in the shower, which can be extremely frightening. Is he a clone!? What is this place! SOMEBODY HELP ME.

My son is at that age where he’s curious about the human body.

I’ll have to hide it somewhere else now.

I found a Squirtle in my pants & I’m not even playing Pokémon Go!

Just reminded when my mate went to a bday party in the US, didn’t know many people & was shy – so when they sang happy birthday she rly decided to get into the “hip hip hooray!”without realising they don’t do it there. Went from quiet to all of a sudden SCREAMING hip hip hooray

Daughter: Daddy, why do I have to go to bed so early?
Me: Because we have had enough of you for today

Be nice to a nerd. Prevent a supervillain.

I use a wheelchair. When someone asks the person I’m with “What’s her name?” I tell the person I’m with to say “I don’t know, check and see if she has a collar.”

I like how impressionistic the French language is. You only have to pronounce half of the letters then you just think about the rest.

My super power is buying movies on Amazon the week before they’re free on Netflix

My daughter will send a bunch of 2 to 3 word texts in a row so my phone dings like there’s an angry customer at the front desk.

Me: What do you want to be when you grow up?

2-year-old: An eagle!

I’m going to save so much money on college.

i wonder if fewer people would eat Rabbit Stew if it was instead called Bunny Rabbit Stew.

ME: [watching tv]

FRIEND: You should turn it on tho

I walk around my yard with a fake neck tattoo so my neighbors will not ask me to watch their kids.

You guys talk about sex like it’s so great. I had sex once and she made me take off my jean jacket. Just not worth it.

ME: [first day working at the Christmas tree farm] I shall treat them with love and attention as if they were my pets.

BOSS: I love that

ME: My fir babies

HER: Get out

Coworker: “How was your weekend?”

Me: “You know, they killed Socrates because he asked too many questions.”

Evidence that I have the right to be silent and get drunk at 8:17am:

Kids are painting the dog in the living room.

Every time I go through airport security I’m terrified that I accidentally packed a bomb.

I don’t always look at my phone at a red light; but when I do, I look up to see a cop right beside me.

Fan girl on the devil when you arrive in hell by telling him you’re a huge fan of his food cake