Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

me: so there’s nothing you can do to help?
doctor: no, you’re just going to have to live with it I’m afraid
me: [takes baby] ugh fine

WB: We want you to play the Penguin.
Colin Farrell: OK.
WB: But you’ll have to wear a ton of uncomfortable prosthetics for long periods of time.
Farrell: Sure.

*3 years later*

Farrell: I didn’t sign up for this.

The dentist gives me toothpaste when I leave. Step up your game gynecologist.

Announcer: In one corner, her will to live. In the other corner, her sanity. Let’s get ready to crumblllllllle

I am a full grown adult. Now listen to me discuss the various plot holes in Paw Patrol.

Husband Bear: Honey! I’m home!
Wife Bear: For God’s sake, would you at LEAST say hello before demanding dinner?

Lawyer: did your boyfriend commit the crime?
Girlfriend: honey he can’t even commit to this relationship
Entire jury: OH SNAP

What do you call a food fight with an unlimited amount of food?

All you can yeet.

The coconut is very versatile. It can be eaten or be used to make a radio.

I was with someone that did mushrooms yesterday that told me they could, like, *hear* sounds and I didn’t have the heart to tell them that’s how I receive sounds too

No, I’m not telling my wife the reason we need a new blender is because I didn’t remove the pit from the avocado, that’s between us.

I don’t know if this is a good idea.
Narrator: He knew, in fact, it was an awful idea.

Trains should still have a caboose, if you stop to watch it go by you should be rewarded with a good ending

I…do not understand how electricity works.

My personal trainer said I should have a protein shake every night at 11pm.
That’s whey past my bedtime.

my wife: we have to wear what we died in for eternity!?

st. peter: that’s right

me: [from the back end of our horse costume] what’d he say

This florist doesn’t even know anything about floors, and he’s acting like I’m the stupid one!

*gets Ouija board*

Spirits, are there Pringles in the kitchen?

My 12-year-old went to a movie with a boy.

I gave her money for her ticket.

The boy paid.

I did not get my money back.

I learned an important lesson about dating today.

Found a page in 14 year old me’s journal in which I wrote “And the killer is—-.” The rest of the pages are blank. I hate 14 year old me.

Lie about the gap in your resume. Tell them you had to help hobbits take a ring to Mordor or something

I can’t believe we live in a world where people actually pay money to run in a race.

Pay me $50 and I’ll make your life a living hell for an afternoon without the cardio.

Stores today are like, thanks for buying this gum, please tip us 20%, apply for our credit card, and round up to save the children. Also fill out this survey.

Netflix is asking every five minutes if we’re still watching and I think it must be suffering from separation anxiety now that people are going outside again.

I tried to explain Twitter to my Mom and she said, “Sounds like group therapy where no one ever gets better”.

I love that spiderman sits like that. That’s not a spider thing. Spiders don’t do that. But spiderman does.

Who called them nuclear submarines and not fission ships?

If you love someone, poison them a little bit each day. If they don’t suspect you at all, they might be the ONE.

If Pringles really wanted the fun to never stop they’d make those tube things like 5 feet long.