Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

saw the new Barbie movie and to be honest I expected a lot more shrimp to be thrown on her

[fishing]

me: why won’t these goldfish take my bait?

friend: they’re koi.

me: aww don’t be shy little fishies.

Y’all: “I’m tryna lose weight, i’m about to eat salad”

The Salad:

My coworker doesn’t like me which is weird bc her husband does.

I put my pants on like everyone else….

After sex.

Ha just kidding. I don’t have sex, or pants.

ME: I’m heading to the shop
ROOMMATE: What are you going to get?
ME: [wearing a wedding dress] Compliments

Someone asked me how much I spend on a bottle of wine.

30 minutes was not the right answer.

*me carrying in all of the groceries

Wife: I feel bad, I don’t have anything
Me: You always have me
Wife: See what I’m saying

I don’t know who needs to hear this, but don’t put your eye makeup on before you start chopping onions

[Zoo, bird show]

“Millions of years of evolution have made these ancient raptors into graceful sky gods.”

*bird headbutts window 50 times*

Captain: Does anyone have a hanky we can use for a white flag?

Me: Here Cap.

Captain: Does anyone have a clean hanky we can use for a white flag?

If an alien egg starts hatching in front of u, I would recommend not leaning over it to look inside. I’d back tf up. Just my two cents

“Hey Barack”
“yes Joe?”
“I bet T-Rex’s took terrible selfies”
“Ok Joe”
“Because they had…”
“Short arms Joe, yes. I get it. I get it buddy”

Want air conditioning on the shuttle bus? Open a window, Your Majesty.

best heckle of my life. I just did the setup to a joke and a drunk lady in the front shouts out “that’s too niche!”

Guys what shall we call thing that impedes movement?

GUY NAMED BARRY: “How about a barry?”

GUY NAMED BARRY BARRY: “How about a barrier?”

Him: Why are you wrapping me up like a burrito & how did you find a tortilla this big?
Me: Shhh! This is my fantasy & burritos don’t talk.

cashier: would you like a receipt?

me: . o O (if someone is being murdered right now it would be my alibi but if someone gets murdered in the store they could pin it on me)

cashier: well?

me: I want to talk to a lawyer

When I was a boy we had to invent snow before we could walk 15 miles through it to get to school.

Put the mosquitoes in charge of vaccine distribution do I have to think of everything around here

If I were in a mob movie, my role would be “the fishes”, so everyone would end up sleeping with me.

Doing LEGO with my son is like assisting during surgery.

6yo: Flat gray piece.
Me: Here.
6: 5 square red blocks.
M: Here.
6: I said RED!

This empty bowl of cake batter taught me I shouldn’t volunteer to make cupcakes for weddings alone.

*bolts upright in bed, instantly wide awake in the middle of the night*

“FIRE TRUCKS SHOULD BE CALLED WATER TRUCKS”

I wanna know why it’s embarrassing for me to talk to my kid when he’s gaming. Like bro, they know you don’t live alone.

Those who ignore history are doomed to repeat it…

…anyway, my son is taking history again this fall.

As a kid one Christmas Eve I set out dog biscuits instead of cookies and it turned out Santa was not a jolly old elf. Not. At. All.

Received some very disappointing news today

Not saying my inability to remember popular figures of speech killed my journalism career, but it was probably the last snail in the coffee.