Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I don’t think my blind date was blind, she read the menu and caught the basketball I threw at her

How the hell is Arby’s still in business? In nearly 37 years I’ve never heard, “Let’s go to Arby’s.”

“Whoa! Hey there, buddy, leave me out of it. This has got nothing to do with me.”
– The Horse You Rode In On

The worst walk of shame is the one back onto the crowded elevator after getting out on the wrong floor.

I hope Alan is OK

I don’t worry that I’ll turn into my mother because I’ve already turned into my grandmother.

“Hold on lemme just hotbox these bugs so I can steal and eat their goo.” -beekeepers everywhere

I suffer from premature procrastination. It’s when you procrastinate before even receiving a task…

yeah i’d have thought so, he’s a cat

Marriage is the leading cause of Irreconcilable Differences.

Avoid office small talk by maintaining that facial expression between first sneeze and second sneeze.

(making the first gang) and we all have to wear the same color. it’ll be cute.

I may lack the tail feathers needed to flirt like a peacock but i’ve never seen them manage to rock the Running Man dance so I think it’s clear who the real winner is here

“I live as a mountain man because I enjoy the isolation and I hate people. Film crews are cool though.” – Mountain Men on History Channel

I’m like Jason Bourne, only I’m not looking for exits in each room.. I’m looking for outlets & phone chargers.

I just discovered that a serving of Oreos contains 8% of your daily iron needs, since most women don’t get enough iron it would be irresponsible not to eat several servings a day, you’re welcome ladies

friend: I have cancer
me: (remembering that laughter is the best medicine) lol

I used to wear tailored suits. Now I have “good” leggings, “grocery store” leggings and “so it’s come to this” leggings.

I’m sorry, we can’t hire you. But your background check was hilarious.

So let me get this right. The guys on big bang theory are super smart scientific nerds, yet their elevator is broken?!

We need to go back to the days when every town only had one single, bumbling, sheriff who was constantly falling asleep while leaning back in a chair and forgetting that he’d left the town’s only jail cell unlocked

Me: What is the thing you want most for your birthday?

6yo: A recorder.

Me: How about a pony instead?

So my dad was all “stop eating my pills” and then I was like “stop melting into the floor and spinning multi colored webs you talking lamp”

Me: Can I get you a drink? Her: I have a boyfriend. Me: Lady, I’m the bartender.

My personal style is best described as “didn’t expect to get out of the car.”

[calendar naming committee]

BOSS: how should we spell the second month

GUY WHO SPELLED WEDNESDAY: i have an idea

The Internet: An electronic version of, “Now, why did I walk into this room?”

Depends on what the free sample is. Is it brisket?

Truth or dare should be renamed to “interrogation or humiliation”

I hate it when I want wine and the wine home delivery man hasn’t been invented yet.