I don’t know why these at-home workouts aren’t working yet, I watch like 6 of these videos a day
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the fossil record doesn’t preserve skin so there’s no proof dinosaurs didn’t have tattoos
[Being murdered at Walmart]
Please will you dump my dead body at Target people can’t know I shopped here
CDC Recommends Also Wearing Face Mask On Back Of Head In Case Coronavirus Attacks From Rear
*one day before marriage*
Parents: Don’t talk to the groom. Don’t see him. Don’t think.*one day after marriage*
Parents: BABIES, BABIESS!
THEM: Don’t you want to have a baby?
ME: No thanks, I’m full
I’m looking for a school picture package that’s more than 4 wallets and less than 54 wallets & a wall mural.
It’s possible to suck at everything if you put your mouth to it.
[Airport terminal]
*waits at baggage claim area*
*an entire roast pig emerges on the carousel*
*I check the tag to make sure it’s mine*
I’m growing a ponytail so no one will ever ask me to watch their kids
How am I supposed to give a review for dog treats? I mean, my dog loves them. They’re just ok to me. A little chewy
Car salesmen: Good evening
Me: TAKE IT EASY PAL I’M JUST LOOKING AROUND
It’s October which means it’s basically Halloween which means Thanksgiving is right around the corner which means it’s pretty much Christmas so Happy New Year everyone.
God: i’ll just make it a combined food and air pipe with a little switch flap. That’ll probably work fine
HIM: You know what we should do at our wedding reception?
[at the same time]
ME: Murder-suicide
HIM: The chicken dance!
Me: how much for the seal Dracula
Zoo keeper: that’s a walrus
This egg could use more egg
– guy about to invent hollandaise sauce
Obama: “I have no more campaigns to run…because I won both of them”
Biden like 2 years later: LOL OH I GET IT. HES BEEN PRESIDENT FOR TW
I’m always Beware #MakesMeCautious
the cop walks up to my car & sees that it’s filled with smoke. he gets closer & hears the sound of fajitas grilling
Clay shooting is like real life Duck Hunt, right up until you swing your controller around towards the crowd and they’re all like “PUT THE GODDAMN GUN DOWN, Alison!”
I believe in workplace drug testing.
That’s why I slipped Ambien and Ex-Lax into my boss’ coffee.
Let’s test which one works faster.
My daddy always said, life is like a tray of nachos, a big hot mess held together by cheese
If you need time alone, just announce that you need help cleaning the cats litter box.
My wife and I have to put drops in the cat’s eye before we go to work. Just in case you see a headline like “Couple mauled to death by two pound kitten” tomorrow
Turns out Leaf Blower Guy, my neighbour of 10 years, knows my actual name so I guess I’m left with no choice but to do the adult thing here and find out his by stealing his mail.
sometimes my toddler throws stuff on the floor and then shouts “OH NO” and that’s kind of like what politicians do
I didn’t say you were ugly, I just said you were facially challenged.
Most women need a little reassurance.
Like when she says “oh, you want to see crazy?” Reassure her that you do not.
Money can’t buy me Love, but it buys having someone else wash my hair…
My 5yo asked me if we could go to someone else’s house because he says we go to our house a lot