I don’t know why these ingrates at the corn maze are so upset. All I did was lead them to safety with these two hands and a machete.
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fleetwood mac implies the existence of fleetwood dennis, fleetwood charlie, fleetwood dee, and fleetwood frank
just thinking about how I had a convo with a dude who said he thinks he’s allergic to almonds bc they make his tongue itch but chocolate is a good anti-inflammatory because his tongue doesn’t itch when it’s chocolate covered almonds…
space horror is the best horror. what’s out there? no one knows! big rocks. creepy things. sticky things. math! stuff on fire. big holes. big holes with math in them.
I built a tricycle pram tonight
*adds bike mechanic to the resume*
That scene in Pulp Fiction where Vincent revives Mia by stabbing her in the chest with an adrenaline shot, except it’s me on a Saturday morning when my kid shoves his finger in my nostril to wake me up.
You cause one minor incident at a museum and everyone is “Irreplaceable Egyptian mummy” this and “Could have used regular toilet paper” that
When you have to use a public restroom.
Oh, man. My grandma caught me texting my OTHER grandma and now things are super tense.
I feel bad for women who say finding true love is the best experience in life. They’ve obviously never found their bra size on clearance.
Co-worker playfully snapped my suspenders and now everyone in the office knows my safe word.
Are there a lot of first-person singular objective pronouns, or is it just me?
Dear women with cucumber slices on their eyes… you’re using it wrong.
All goalies should wear gorilla suits in the playoffs
The most valuable thing I have taught my kid is to answer the door for me and immediately tell the person that mommy is busy while I’m hiding around the corner.
oh shit. came home & there is a giant cat in the bed
As part of our environmental target, we recycled* 87 tons of aluminium this morning, 5 tons of rubber, 18 miles of wiring and 7 tons of glass.
*plane missed the runway
I dropped a pill and while I was on the floor looking for it, I found a different, better, pill. So, that was cool.
I think the bigger issue with our country is that Paula Deen even had that many endorsements to lose in the 1st place.
a moth just flew into my wine haha have fun driving home, you drunk piece of shit
“Donatello choose ur weapon”
“I’ll take a stick”
“Really not a sword? Nunchu..”
“A STICK”
“Ha I guess u wanna wear purple too?”
“…”
“Ugh”
Husband: *gently taps me on the shoulder before l’ve had my first cup of coffee*
Me:
I don’t need a pair of underwear, I just need one clean underwear.
Instead of a sock on your door, hang a doughnut. Not only is Doughnut Disturb hilarious, you provide a snack for your now homeless roommate.
If my 6 year old tells me someone was “mean to him” I never know if they stole his bike or tried to cook him a healthy meal.
Detective: “The victim musta had company. There’s 2 dirty plates in the sink.”
If I ever get murdered they’ll think I had 16 people over.
[cat diary day 2]
ok the guy just came and stole my poop again wtf
That time I was late for work and the boss asked why I was tardy and I said, “I don’t think you’re supposed to call people that any more.”
[interview for waiter position]
Manager: “So how experienced are you at carrying multiple plates?”
Stegosaurus: “You’re kidding me right?”
sign of the times 🖊
