Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

walking into gamestop smoking a cigar to announce that i own $60 of stock and i demand they add garfield to super smash bros

BOOK FACT: If you took every book in our store and laid them end to end you would be thrown out by security and banned from returning.

Amish murderers get the acoustic chair.

My ex husband went to buy a lotto ticket & never came back, I guess he won, haven’t see him in over 20 years

The 5 Most Important Films (and the Life Lessons They Teach)

1. Armageddon (space is scary)
2. Jaws (the ocean is scary)
3. Terminator 2 (the future is scary)
4. My Girl (bees are scary)
5. Weekend at Bernie’s (putting sunglasses on a corpse and taking him jet-skiing is fun!)

When I open the washing machine lid mid-cycle, I feel like I’ve entered a party where everybody suddenly stops dancing and stares at me.

him: what did you do all day?

*steps aside to reveal 12 cats taped together*

Me: it’s a purrrramid!

Police: How did they break in?
Me: I have a fake garden rock w/a key inside.
Police: They found it?
Me: They threw it through the window.

I’m Kodak hut old. So I know a thing or two about humiliation, I had to pick up my own nudes, in person.

Him: I’m a big Star Wars nerd.

Me: Oh yeah, name one ewok.

Accidentally got two shots of hand sanitizer so if you need me I’ll be rubbing my hands together for the rest of my life.

You can break your toddler’s heart or you can explain that the dinosaur exhibit at the zoo is closed for cleaning. Choose wisely

Women’s time is different. My brother and I are still waiting for my mom to come out of the grocery store when she said it would be 30 minutes. That was 1986

Ed [laughing]: what do you call a fish with no eye?

Stede, without looking up: Myxine Circifrons

Ed:

Ed: fsh

My Transformers name would be Past Her Prime.

“Bigotry”

-an Italian guy describing an oak

Ten things only 90s people remember:
1. 1990
2. 1991
3. 1992
4. 1993
5. 1994
6. 1995
7. 1996
8. 1997
9. 1998
10. That sound the modems made

One day when my teenager was upset I said “It is what it is,” and now he says it to me every time I’m upset and, oh wow, it does not feel good

the revolution will not be YOU HAVE REACHED YOUR LIMIT OF 3 FREE ARTICLES THIS MONTH PLEASE SUBSCRIBE TO READ MORE

My dog just kicked open my bedroom door like I owe her rent.

Starting to consider a run for political office. Not because I want to do anything, but I’m curious what sort of shit they dig up on me. Would be nice for someone to piece together my 20s.

Pretty much the most frightening part of my day is when I get a notification that my mother has tagged me in a post on Facebook.

EMPEROR PENGUIN: [addressing huddled penguins] The hairless ape’s fires melt our icy kingdom…no more
*raises sword*
FLIGHTLESS NOT FIGHTLESS

Sister: have you met any nice men lately?
Me: we are failing the Bechdel test.

Tuah Kill a Hawkingbird

I know it’s impossible to keep kids from screaming when they play outside but I wish there was some way to teach them the difference between “WE ARE HAVING A FUN GAME!” Screaming and “WE ARE BEING BRUTALLY MURDERED!” Screaming

I eat boiled eggs, cabbage, and baked beans before the in-laws visit. They never stay long.

Carrots are a great thing to eat when you are hungry and want to stay that way.

Customer: can I get some bacon

Me: sure

Customer: can you make it fatty

Me: *holding back tears* bacon isn’t that hard to make

“I could eat.”

-me (right after I’ve eaten)