I don’t know why these ingrates at the corn maze are so upset. All I did was lead them to safety with these two hands and a machete.
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Vin Diesel eats only two meals per day:
1) Breakfast
2) Breakfurious
Me: * tastes dog treats*
Stalker: frickin weirdo
My kids wanted a spooky story from the olden days so I told them the internet used to scream when you turned it on.
[first date]
me: so, what’s your biggest fear?
her: snakes. i hate snakes
me: (whispering to the mongoose in my vest pocket): she’s the one
ZOOKEEPER: So this female python is our oldest snake here at the zoo
ME: *way too loud* A granaconda
ZOOKEEPER: *pulling out his tazer* look away kids
i want a small, tasteful wedding. no family. no friends. no groom. just me eating a big cake
Age ceases to be just a number everytime the airline announces seating queue priority
If you’re moving to a new house for a “fresh start,” congratulations your new house is haunted.
My daughter sat beside me on the bed with a granola bar, so I’m gonna get back at her by eating powdered donuts in hers.
I want to go see the new Queen movie but I am just a poor boy from a poor family…
Purgatory is like approaching a flashing stoplight. The light at the end of the tunnel is blinking and no one knows what to do.
My daughter keeps saying there’s no such thing as a mistake in the kitchen, which is just so adorably wrong.
*Dino-Jesus preaching to the dinosaurs*
“Let he who is without sin cast the first stone.”
*Asteroid crushes Earth*
“Dammit Dad.”
[zombie wedding]
Groom: *lifts veil*
Bride: That was my face.
Groom: *lowers face*
Canadian Thanksgiving isn’t the same day as Thanksgiving in the US because Canadians already put gravy on everything every day.
When people talk about enriching their lives, I assume they’ve found a way to add more cheese.
A teacher grabbed my arm in the 3rd grade and pulled me to the back of the line. When I asked what I did, she said you know what you did. I’m 47 and I still don’t know.
UPDATE: My wife’s resolution to yell at the kids less has just taken a very bad turn.
I get sad when I see how old people my age are.
“What an awesome body-”
Oh… thanks. I work out-
“- of research.”
– formulas. I work out formulas. *sips tea* I do a lot of math.
*teacher sees students sharing a note*
Teacher: why don’t you read that out loud
Student: [reading note] Dear teacher, this is an intervention. Your methods of discipline via public humiliation are uninspired carbon copies of Hollywood tropes. We wrote this letter as a class…
I don’t like Haiku because you have to do poetry AND math.
Bear
[1st Day after wildebeests take over]
I’m safe in my house
[Day 7]
Thought I heard clattering
[Day 21]
THEY CAN OPEN DOORS WITH THEIR HOOVES
Talking to funeral home director:
Me: “I would like to have my mother-in-law cremated”
MIL: “Let go of me!”
A confidential source has informed me that the earth is gonna hatch
Me: But I’m sweaty, I’m anxious, my heart rate is up
Doctor: This is the 3rd visit I’ve had to tell you I can’t treat being offended online
I often find myself singing in the shower, which can be extremely frightening. Is he a clone!? What is this place! SOMEBODY HELP ME.
In first grade when I’d tell my parents what I learned in class and they’d act amazed, I’d think “Shouldn’t you know this shit already?”