I don’t know why these ingrates at the corn maze are so upset. All I did was lead them to safety with these two hands and a machete.
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Friend: How many girls did you date before you met your wife?
Me: That was so long ago. Who really rememb-
Wife: Thirty-seven
[Hell]
Demon: We will punish you for your gluttony!Me: Neato! I’m a glutton for punishment
Demon: … *quietly into walkie-talkie* could I get a supervisor over here
*lays head on homeless guys lap*
“You would not believe the day I had”
Whenever I see a couple sitting on the same side of a restaurant booth I like to imagine they’re on a double date with ghosts
Yeah, but I thought the whole point of twitter was to be stalked.
The word ‘follower’ should be evidence of that
I hit a deer with my car and had to call a Bambilance…
DRIVER: *turns radio off* Where to?
UNDECIDED VOTER: Don’t rush me I need to hear all the places first. Tell me every place there is please.
FRIEND 1: wanna see a pic of my cat
ME: yes!
FRIEND 2: wanna see a pic of my bird
ME: yes!
FRIEND 3: wanna see a pic of my dog
ME: omg yes!
FRIEND 4: wanna see a pic of my baby
ME: ugh fine
one pride i got into an uber wearing a pride flag as a dress & the driver immediately put on christian radio. i started singing along bc i knew the song from childhood & ive never seen a more confused man in my life
[vet pulls me aside] have you been teaching your cat martial arts
me: you mean purrate?
The ONE time I actually want to say “duck”, damn you autocorrect!
“Sorry again! I’d love to join the preschool field trip to the DUCK pond”
I told all my colleagues at work that I have a twin so that when I see them in public I don’t have to talk to them.
My 10 yr old was hugging the cat, & whispering to him “I love you so much that you’re the 2nd most loved thing in my life.” Aww, I thought, she’s still mama’s little girl. Then she finished her whisper with “But spaghetti is my favorite thing.”
*gets down on one knee*
Me: *being patted down* I can explain
Cop: *holding several ziplock bags filled with cheeto dust I had down my pants* this isn’t illegal but I’m listening
She had soft, black hair, and big, brown eyes. We went for a walk. I told her I loved her. Now she’s gone. She took off after a squirrel.
friend: ”how’s life?“
me: ”everything’s on track thanks“the track:
The thing about human relationships is that one person can be so overcome by a moment while the other person is thinking about KFC…
when i was 17 my car started to spin out on the freeway during a blizzard and the only thing that snapped me out of my terror enough to be able to regain control was the chilling revelation that I didn’t want 2 Phones by Kevin Gates to be the soundtrack to my death
Secret Santa is very disappointing if you’re self-employed.
Him: What are you doing tomorrow?
Me: I was thinking maybe a chocolate croissant for breakfast.
Him: *sighs*
Me: Oh, you mean between meals.
All my scars & bruises tell a story.
The story of a guy who falls down A LOT when he’s drunk.
This weather better stop actin like my teenager’s mood
Whenever you ride an elevator with other people, it’s best not to mention your imaginary friends even if someone is standing on Carl.
You don’t know pissed off until she tells you to go sleep on the couch, an you take all the covers with you.
So guy walks up to me and puts his fist out for a bump and somehow I reach out, grab it and shake slightly.
If you need me I’ll be behind hiding my couch forever..
Me: Mirror, mirror, on the wall, who’s the …
Mirror: Comb your hair.
Sephora employee: Congratulations! You have 100,000 points. You can choose 3 of the following.
When I said I like it rough.. I meant sex, not the entire relationship.
Just watched The Hobbit: The Battle to Stay Awake for What Felt Like Five Hours.