Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

we went out on a boat to see whales and the crew encouraged us to clap and cheer for the whales and boo at the regular fish

I don’t get people who stay virgins until after marriage. Its like buying a car without having sex with it first

[Me in a horror movie]

*is not at the cabin because I have no friends*

why stack your tupperware when you can chunk it into the cabinet and close the door before it falls out.

Accidentally left the plunger in the toilet, so yeah the wife is wide awake now.

me: can we go to the steakhouse?

him: stop calling the barn that. you’re making the cows nervous

[first day as a pilot]

control tower: what are your coordinates

me: I’m by a cloud that looks like a lion

control tower: can you be more specific

me: simba

#TexasFreeze
Dear Texas:
Best advice I’ve seen… and
Good luck, stay warm & STAY HOME if you can!

“It’s not a competition” you say as you lose the secret competition.

boss: your coworker is concerned you don’t like them

me: oh, I don’t.

boss:

me: anything else?

I don’t care which way the toilet paper faces. I was raised with real problems.

Parents who are afraid that giving teenagers condoms will just ensure they have sex to use them have obviously never owned a bread maker.

I knew this day would come. It’s on my calendar

I’m drinking espresso until I find how many it takes to vibrate my molecules fast enough that I can pass through walls. So far it’s not seventeen and I’m running out of Band-Aids

*kermit plays slayer on his banjo. a marsh pit breaks out*

Look, all I’m saying is that it would be far more impressive to see someone turn lemonade into lemons

I always thought that saying, ‘the more, the merrier’ was referring to alcohol, not people.

Now it doesn’t make any sense at all.

NEIGHBOR: dude, that’s the scariest costume I’ve ever seen. I love Halloween.

ME: [wiping blood off my chainsaw onto my apron] costume?

[walking down the toilet paper aisle]

Spouse: Who’s talking? Who said that?

Me: Very funny, I get it. I need a tan.

Keep yourself entertained during quarantine by taking daily mail comments and putting them on New Yorker cartoons to create your own satirical comics.

It’s so cute how all the free sandwiches in the fridge at work have little names.

The mattress in the guest room was perfectly fine until I had to sleep on it once.

I was bitten by a radioactive vegan, and now I have the power to bore people to death.

if i’m bleeding out in an alley & you approach me w/an app that would save me, but i’d have to login using facebook, i’d be fine w/just dyin

Her: It would really mean a lot to my mother if you came

Me *pulling out*: I know she wants grandkids but we’re not ready

Of course I’ve slept in the wet spot

My ex drooled like a Komodo dragon

A woman at work told me I had great energy which is entirely plausible as I just ate a lithium battery.

Dude tried to pick me up at the gym but I was like bro I’m dying just let me lay here

[mcdonalds]

me: two marijuanas please

employee: this is the mcdonald’s drive thru

me: two McMarijuanas please

“Everybody freeze!”
-November