I don’t know why these Jehovah’s Witnesses won’t give me their addresses in case I think of something more to shout at them.
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Interviewer: What skills can you bring to this company?
Me: I can kill a spider without screaming.
Interviewer: Your office will be next to mine.
I sign all anniversary cards with ‘Way to commit to the bit!’
People need to quit hating on women that breastfeed in public. I’m allowed to raise my cat however I want.
You do you.
I’m gonna do me.
*married sex
When we were kids our “get home” text was a streetlight.
Don’t mistake my habit to look down, as modesty.I have a long history of tripping on the most ridiculous things
Save some Fritos for later by keeping them stuck in your molars.
I have to go to a birthday dinner for someone I don’t like much, so I plan on bringing up politics right away so I can go home early.
I don’t worry that I’ll turn into my mother because I’ve already turned into my grandmother.
Them: What year is your car?
Me: It’s brown.
[documentary on bees]
“the reason why we’re filming the bees twenty miles away using the world’s longest super zoom camera is because of the bees”
[visiting Hell as a tourist]
Satan: good morning, how do you want your eggs
Me: how bout *finger guns* deviled
Satan: congratulations you get to stay here
10yo checking the weather app:
OH F-Me: LANGUAGE!
10: -OG!
Me: ohhh my bad, carry on
I’m sick and tired of being the only person who cooks, cleans, and pays all the damn bills in this house.
I live alone, but still.
Bread: For when you want to wrap your food with other food, then eat it.
I put my pants on one leg at a time just like everyone else to avoid arousing suspicion.
Saying Trump can’t be an antisemite because his daughter converted to Judaism is like saying he can’t be sexist because he married a woman.
Just walked in front of my cat’s screen while he was on a zoom call.
20% of being the BBC Wimbledon presenter is telling people what other telly programmes have been cancelled.
I need a strapping man or woman to come fireman carry me upstairs to bed and brush my teeth. No weirdos (which is why my husband can’t do it).
Good grief, did you see that, Hans? A time traveller just appeared, shot Adolf and left again. I mean I know his paintings are shit but WTF
(20s) ew this bar is full of old people let’s get out of here.
(50s) ew this bar is full of young people let’s get out of here.
The human race won’t go extinct when our blood turns into high fructose corn syrup
Our demise will come when hummingbirds figure it out
The struggle between wanting a hot body or a hot fudge sundae is real.
Australia’s reputation for dangerous wildlife is exaggerated.
Statistics show that 43% of Australians actually escape being eaten and survive to adulthood.
[ first day as surgeon ]
me: and now we let the anesthesia set in
patient: do i get some too
If I’m ever in need of a hair tie, the first place I look is my cat’s water bowl.
My cat: *jumps up onto my lap, leans into me, purrs*
Me: *smiling at him* Aww! You’re adorable! So sweet!
My cat: *slaps phone out of my hand*
Guy at the cake shop: So is this for a friend?
Me: No, it’s for me.
Apparently it’s weird that I’ve had 9 birthdays this year.