I don’t know why they are staring. Ignore them.
*Holds drink up to your voodoo doll’s mouth*
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WIFE: please come out of there so we can talk
ME: [from cardboard box] i’m sorry come out of where?
WIFE: [sigh] please exit the spacecraft
Me: Flirting is fun
Me when actually flirting: OMG HOW DO I DO THIS. WHATS A WINK. IVE FORGOTTEN HOW TO BREATHE. YOUR FACE IS TIDY. HOW DO I HUMAN. HELP.
My boss: make sure you clear out your emails before going on vacation.
Me: *select all, delete*
If your kid asks for a napkin it’s already too late.
Battery falling down a hole
People in my office act like they’ve never seen someone in formal working pajamas before.
therapist: whats the problem?
me: i keep having a reoccurring dream where there are five of me and we’re all yellow.
therapist: sounds like you’re bananas
life: do your best
me: (doing my best)
life: no a different best
Me: *Trying to experiment in bed*
Her: *looking up from her book* What’s with the lab coat?
I couldn’t help but notice how you have pistachios that you’d probably like to share.
Nothing quite as humiliating as somebody slow-rolling past your garage sale and not stopping, like “I’m not above buying another person’s junk but just not yours.”
[job interview]
“What’s your greatest weakness?”
I’m always hungry
“That’s not what I-”
*takes out a cake* Also, I don’t like to share
According to most health insurance companies, teeth are luxury bones that I must pay more to continue enjoying
Sit in Starbucks and scream into your phone, “What we need is fresh screenwriting talent! An unknown! Where on earth can we find it?”
[Calling doctor’s office]
Lady: When is your child’s birthday?
Me: *panic* click
a bunch of us teens are going out to the forest to burn a piece of paper that says ‘responsibilities’ on it. for symbolism
*In church
9: [Whispers] Why do we have to keep sitting & standing and sitting & standing…
Me: [Whispers] So we don’t fall asleep
9: oh
Best thing about drinking in downtown LA is that if u need a bathroom, it’s all around you
🤣😂🤣😂
me: excuse me sir, what kind of wine is this
sommelier: [pretentious af] it’s merlot
me: excuse me merlot, what kind of wine is this
Chicken bread
My goal whenever I open my car door is to have a bike rider crash into it and hope that they are escaping from a crime scene.
If I ever get trampled to death by a herd of cattle I want my obituary to say I was pasturized. Thanks.
It’s not officially bedtime until you drop your phone on your face.
Fruit and urinal give a bad name to cakes everywhere.
My kid can’t eat his pasta because *checks notes* the bowl is too thick
he asked “what are we?” and I said toniggggght we are young
when your local library starts subtly sowing the seeds of anarchy
My location is on so my wife can see that I am where I say I am.
My wife’s location is on so I can hide the drinking glass and start cleaning while she’s on her way home from work.
interviewer: what was your last job
me: health angel
interviewer: oh so you worked at like a spa
me: no thilly, I drove a motorthycle