Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

7yo: “Who’s singing this?” Me: “Franz Ferdinand.” 7yo: “But, he died in 1914.” Me:

Banana boats are powered by bananas. Everyone knows this.

I just got belted in my face by a rogue piece of carrot that fell out of my sports bra while doing downward facing dog.

You’re 25, please stop saying back in the day.

there should be an island full of all the dogs that bit people. could call it Bad Dog Island. and of course we’d send my little sister there too

Ughhhh my neck is killing me ..

*how I slept

Stranger: I’m going to punch you in the face now

Me: Please don’t

Stranger: It’s on sale 🥰

Me: Omg 3 please

🎶99 sheets of TP on the roll
99 sheets of TP,
You take one down,
Make it all brown,
98 sheets of TP on the roll.
98 sheets of TP on-🎶

Wife [outside bathroom door]: PLEASE STOP SINGING

My personal trainer at the gym told me I need to start working on my upper body strength. I told him to just open the damn pickles and STFU.

“I’m really good in bed”

-Ice cream

I would like a mode of transportation that only allows me to travel a foot at a time with maximum effort requiring stellar balance.

*pogo stick inventor* I got you.

Customer: “I’d like to buy a bagel with cream cheese.”

Me: “Sorry, we only take cash or credit card.”

Manager:“I need to see you in my office.

Eating some turkey? Put gravy on it. Mashed potatoes dry? Try gravy. Headache? Shot of gravy. Depressed? More gravy. Lost a limb? Gra

*uses Oujia board*

ＳＭＥＬＬＳ ＬＩＫＥ ＵＰＤＯＧ

me: what’s updog?

ＮＯＴ ＭＵＣＨ, ＤＯＧ, ＪＵＳＴ ＡＢＯＵＴ ＴＯ ＰＯＳＳＥＳＳ ＹＯＵＲ ＣＡＴ

me: what

cat: what

Professor: There’s no such thing as stupid questions
Me: *clears throat

Any new zombie movies that want to be believable need to include random people who walk directly up to zombies & get bitten on purpose because they think getting bitten will help them build immunity against being bitten. They also need to mock people trying to avoid being bitten.

My million dollar invention is a microwave that stops beeping when you yell, “I hear you!” from across the house.

Me: Of course I’m an adult, I pay bills

Also me: NO, YOU MAY NOT BORROW MY DARTH VADER SIPPY CUP.

My brain forces me to relive traumatic moments over and over and over and over, but it won’t tell me where I left my laptop charger.

#BREAKING Egypt, Russia sign contract to build Egypt’s first nuclear plant

My 9 year old went to bed annoyed with me because he said there’s a glacier in Venezuela and I laughed, said ok buddy are there polar bears too do they have a white Christmas get some sleep.
Just so you know, the glacier’s name is Humboldt.

DETECTIVE: what do you think killed these two birds?
ME: [picking up the only stone near their bodies] idk maybe the bird flu.

the waiter grinds me some pepper. “tell me when.” i never say ‘when’. the restaurant and the city fill with pepper. sky turns black w/ peppr

Bees might live longer if they repelled people by handing out religious pamphlets instead of the old sting and die approach.

I’m more than willing to test out that whole “money can’t buy happiness” thing.

Someone: how are you?

Me: thanks, you too.

what if waldo was in the witness protection program and the books are just a way for the mafia to find him?

All my mom’s plants die from being overwatered and that’s all you need to know about my childhood and why I’m like this.

When my family makes me mad, I make them eat quinoa. I am drunk with power

When one door closes, I lock it.
I’m not chancing someone else getting in.