I don’t know why they call this a house cat he doesn’t even like techno.
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They act like technology is ruining childhood, but back in the day, kids were so bored they would turn their eyelids inside out for fun.
Don’t mess with me. I will pull on one of your hoodie strings to make them uneven.
Dating:
I love you so much. I would do anything for you.Marriage:
Since you’re going upstairs already, can you take this with you?
“no”
What if T-Rexes really had long boneless tentacle arms and we didn’t know because we can only find bones?
[on a deserted island, receives message in a bottle]
“We’ve been trying to reach you regarding your car’s expired warranty”
[Commercial for lawnmowers]
[Exhausted looking guy stood in his garden]
*Stabs a long sword into the grass*
“There has to be a better way”
Fake rifles that just have a ‘bang’ flag come out are called JK-47s
fast food drive thru cashier: were you the one with…… …. … lots of stuff?
me: yeah that’s me
Walking around the neighborhood trying to figure out where Amazon delivered my package this time is the self-checkout of online ordering
I bet the first guy who threw shit into a fan never knew what an incredible legacy he would leave.
a bunch of people at a school dance waiting to get a drink
that’s it. that’s the punch line
[commercial for soup]
Have you ever wanted to eat regular food only with water poured all over it?
NARRATOR: SOUP
My biggest skydiving fear is that the person strapped to my back will try to talk to me
James Bond is trending so here’s ROGER MOORE in the greatest celebrity story ever. #JamesBond
Me)Print
Printer)No
Me)Print
Printer)No
Me)PRINT
Printer)No
Me)PRINT!!!
Printer)Here’s 8,000
The Church used to teach that all babies that die go to Limbo, but it was easy for them because they’re so short.
Had to explain to my hot guy friend that people are nice to him all the time because he’s hot. Dude thought it was because he was a Pisces
“WHAT IS IT? WHAT IS GOING ON? IS THAT RAIN? OH GOD I WISH I HAD EYES” – Worms
When I was a small child my grandpa would put me on his lap and say: “from the smallest taco seed a great taco tree can grow.” He was a gentle and caring man, but he didn’t know a goddamned thing about tacos
Pet me.
More.
Yeah, that’s it.
Everywhere.
No, not there. *opens your vein*– cats
Sometimes I follow ants carrying food to the nest just to see who puts the groceries away.
What inspires you to get out of bed every day? For me, it’s my bladder mostly
Just unfollowed a bunch of people funnier than me. Now my tweets seem, you know, funnier. Tomorrow I unfollow all the good-looking people.
In The Little Mermaid, the real reason Ariel wanted human legs was because Eric told her he doesn’t eat sushi.
Vixxxen is just a reindeer with a side hustle.
[the Savannah]
Lion: “Why is that lion all on his own? And why is he wearing crocs?”
Leslie Nielsen: “He has no pride. And he has no pride.”
Suddenly your entire body starts to vibrate. To your horror you realize it’s vibrating to the melody of the Benny Hill theme. This goes on for 2 hours, then it stops.
‘That’s enough punishment for now’, I whisper to myself, and put away the kazoodoo doll…
and now for my next trick, i will saw a women in half. for this i need a volunteer. how about…MY EX WIFE SANDRA WOW I DIDN’T SEE YOU THERE
People love to watch science fiction, get mad about a single detail, then spend the rest of their lives demanding to speak to the manager of space
Dr: Read the chart for me please.
Me: Needs immediate psych evaluation?
Dr: Ma’am, I was talking about the eye chart.