I don’t know why they call this a house cat he doesn’t even like techno.
You Might Also Like
[at train station]
Cashier: May I help you?
Me (thumbing through a wad of Monopoly money): Yeah, I’d like to buy this place
Dear parents who line up 45 minutes early in the school pick-up line,
I don’t understand.
Santa baby, slip some mental stability under the tree, for me
For sale: Shrimpless rice. Never fried.
Ordered a honey bee kit off Amazon. Can’t wait to tell my co-workers all the benefits of honey that I Googled right before telling them.
The worst thing about that mime stealing my woman was when he silently laughed at me
i like video games because they’re the only socially accepted way to ask another adult if they want to play
“Dude, this is so awesome, I can use my $300 smart phone as a flashlight”.
– Why we’ll be speaking Chinese in 50 years.
guy: [stands up at front of plane]
me: “please don’t be overbooked”
guy: [pulls gun] “this plane is now under my control”
me: “oh thank god”
If a shark attacks you, DO NOT punch him in the nose. Be the bigger person and just ignore him.
Me: The best thing about the day after a birthday is having cake for breakfast.
Kids: YAY! CAKE FOR BREAKFAST!
Me: I didn’t mean for you.
Adult black cat: looks like a pool of shadow, sleek, elegant, mysterious, walks in beauty like the night
Black kitten: looks like a sockful of soot halfway through exploding and is really confused and mad about it
mr. miyagi: sweep the leg, daniel-san
daniel-san: do i have to, sensei?
mr. miyagi: *sucks the meat off a chicken thigh, chucks it on the floor* yep. then wax my cars again, nerd
My friend has canceled our lunch plans three days in a row. I’m starting to think she really doesn’t like lunch.
Nice car! I’ll bet it goes fast!Aww — and you’re getting the door for me. What a gentleman! Sit in the back? Wow! My own chauffeur. I feel like a queen! Handcuffs? I’m not opposed — but seems a bit presumptuous for a first date.
Last time I’m saying it lady, you’re under arrest.
WIFE: if you misinterpret one more thing I say, I’m leaving
ME: please don’t, I promise I’ll change
WIFE: ok you’ve got a week
ME: [crying] a weak what?
Before I get off the subway, I like to turn around, look at the other passengers, and say, “I’ll never forget the time we spent together”
“I don’t know why I’m always depressed” I think to myself as I stare at the glowing portal in my hand that streams a constant feed of horror
[Having a problem with my iPhone]
Me: *texting myself* Test
Me: *replies* I have a girlfriend
Girls complain about guys using them for sex, but sex is awesome! Start bitching when he uses you for laundry, or as a human shield.
I received my first order from Imperfect foods, and let me tell you, I’m 100% satisfied.
If I hug you longer than 3 seconds, I’m picking your pockets.
therapist: *holds up inkblot test* what do u see
me: a therapist with no professional boundaries shoving their shitty art into my face
therapist: please take this seriously.
me: ok it’s a car
therapist: no it’s us holding hands :/
PSYCHIATRIST: You seem distracted.
ME: I have “Tom’s Diner” in my head.
PSYCHIATRIST: Haha… It’s a catchy song!
ME: Yeah, it is.
PSYCHIATRIST: How long has it been stuck in your head?
ME: Since 1987. That’s why I’m here.
[starbucks]
me: can i take some wifi home with me?
barista: um. sure(?)
me: [holds tupperware container in the air & closes lid] thanks.
If you leave me a voice mail that asks me to call you back at my convenience you have no one to blame but yourself.
Elderly relative: If you receive a friend request from me on Facebook, don’t accept it.
Me: No kidding.
When the intruder towards Virat Kohli at Eden Gardens – VK couldn’t control his laugh seeing policeman’s reaction 😂
RT if you know someone like this!!!
One time I accidentally listened to a John Mayer song & spontaneously generated 2 thumb rings before it was over.