Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

me: *shaking fortune cookie* will i be smart one day?

Five Guys: thats a peanut.

I’m Puerto Rican, but not “carries a knife in my purse everywhere I go” Puerto Rican.

Sometimes it’s in my bra.

If a dragon flew overhead right now, I’d be surprised but not surprised surprised

[at dave’s who has like 9 dogs]
me: “what d’you call a fly with no wings”
dave: “keith dont”
me: “a WALK!”
[drowns in a tidal wave of dogs]

It’s no longer a Twittercide, it’s Xterminated.

I love that the generation after millennials is called Generation Z like we all kinda know this whole thing is wrapping up soon

If you pull out a knife and start sharpening it, people soon stop telling you about their plans for Valentine’s Day.

“Ok, what shall we call these skewers of food?”

STEVE: How about a Kasteve?

BOB: I have a better idea

*learns about complementary colors*

in my head:

red: that shirt looks so nice on you!
green: thanks! your shoes are perfect!
blue: screw you guys

Grew big

Pro Tip: If you are under the age of 35, don’t get married. If you are over 35, don’t get married. If you are 35, don’t get married.

I’m so glad this hat comes with instructions

I want to cover you in expensive things like gasoline.

*Meanwhile on a date*

Her: So what do you do?

Me: I’m a photographer.

Her: Wow, really?

Me: Yes. I picture us together.

*Slaps knee*

ME: did it hurt
GIRL AT BAR: did wat hurt
ME: when ur hopes of having a nice uninterupted night out got crushed bc i started talking to u

Rudolph with your nose so bright/help me find my phone tonight

[first date]

I just love that you are a normal, cool girl.

*subtly slides macaroni art of your face back under my chair*

-Yeah, totally.

Wait, you actually took my advice?! You poor poor thing.

Do you, Karen, take David the Optometrist to be your lawfully wedded husband, for better or worse? Better… or worse? Better… or worse?

My wife and I stood waving to the neighbor for 10 minutes this morning before we realized she was cleaning her windows.

when I was 15 I wore bath and body works pear spray and this guy I met at a retreat badgered me about what the scent was b/c it smelled like his girlfriend & she claimed that “some of us just smell that way” so I told him yeah some of us do. I hope wherever she is now she’s good

I accidentally knocked my client’s glasses off his face, so I gasped and said “Superman?!” but he didn’t laugh

KGB: You’re being activated and sent to America. There you will acquire and report all sensitive and relevant intel and relay back to Kremlin

Bear Family: what’s our cover?

KGB: You will sell crap ton of toilet paper

Never knew kids were magicians until they started magically appearing at the sound of wrappers opening

A guy I know just posted “I’m relaxing today, don’t bother me” on Facebook, and let me tell you: I was going to bother him but now I’m not

My Brain: HERE IS THAT NAME YOU ASKED FOR 6 HOURS AGO

My coffee and I used to be hot. Now, we’re just bitter.

wayward son: alright, i’m done, where’s the pizza

kansas: no we said PEACE when-

wayward son: you’re screwing with me right

“I decided I wanted to be a ninja so I googled “Ninja School”, followed the link and the page could not be found. Well played, Ninja School”

Everyone: I want to be cremated and my ashes sprinkled into the ocean under the moon while baby turtles hatch and race towards the water while “Circle of Life” plays.

Me: Put me in some aerosol cans and sell me as dry shampoo.