I don’t know why they call this a house cat he doesn’t even like techno.
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doctor: i have good news and bad news. the bad news is your wife is going to be a widow
me: [devastated] what’s the good news
doctor: [pulls out engagement ring] not for long
In Starbucks a woman went sh*t house rat crazy when she got a double shot of espresso instead of the triple shot she ordered. I’m fine now.
grandma: more potatoes?
me: sure
*3 hours later*
grandma: *wiping sweat from her brow* more potatoes?
me: *locking eyes* sure
In my day children didn’t ask “What fresh hell is this?” while browsing through a rack of cardigans.
I hang crystals in my window as a warning to other crystals
The teachers could tell my wife & I were embarrassed by our son’s grades when we showed up to conferences with paper bags on our heads.
Cop: You been drinking?
Me: No.
Cop: Say the alphabet backwards.
Me: Alphabet the.
Cop: Hilarious. Say each letter.
Me: Each letter.
My parents are cruel. They used to give me pocket money but would also buy me clothes with no pockets.
magician: “think of a letter, any letter”
me: “ok”
magician: “now double it”
me: [visibly confused]
Holding back your crazy is like sucking in your fat. Eventually it’s gonna come out.
Went to the grocery store hungry. I didn’t need to pay rent this month anyway.
As a child, ‘The Jetsons’ gave me unrealistic expectations for the future: like having a wife who loves me & owning a dog.
Unlike smoking, vaping doesn’t reduce your sex drive. It just reduces the sex drive of the people who see you vaping.
Everyone: New year resolutions.
2021: When will they learn…
Teachers are getting ridiculous with sending out homeschooling projects.
We have an English and History assignment due in two days and we don’t even have kids.
hawkers unsubscribe page really makes you reconsider
“I Didn’t Want This But I Ate it Anyway to Keep Myself from Eating the Worse Thing and Then I Ate That Too”, an autobiography.
I spotted a subtweet and also spotted a squirrel with a juice box…
I’ll let you guess which one had a greater impact on my life.
humans can accomplish so much, unless it’s parking at a shopping center during the holidays
I always wear running shoes while driving because you won’t know what the terrain will be like until after the cop pulls you over.
I do my part to help the community by honking and being obnoxious when rich couples driving audi 4wds are surveying “charming properties” along the back roads
Me: What are you doing?
Wife: One of those online trivia things…tells you what Disney Princess you are.
Me: I’ll save you the trouble…You’re whichever one is Frozen.
Wife:
Age ceases to be just a number everytime the airline announces seating queue priority
me tryna look cute after stress eating for the last 17 months
At my funeral will you make sure the pallbearers say things like
“Wow, She’s so light.” and “Is she even in here?”
[Inventor of cage-free eggs] Why are these eggs in these cages
[choosing a daycare: first child]
Wife: what certifications do your employees have? what curriculum do you use?
Me: do your cameras have any blind spots?
[choosing a daycare: second child]
Wife: do you have any openings?
Me: what’s the latest we can pick them up?
From your body language, you’re either uncomfortable or just waiting for your host body to die.
If listening to a 30 minute explanation of a 5 minute YouTube clip sounds fun, parenting may be right for you.
I am rarely judgmental, but I do scowl, and shake my head slowly in disapproval whenever I see a vegan biting its nails.