Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’m so disappointed when I help my kid with her homework and she brings it home marked incorrect.

Dog: I didn’t do it.

Cat: You left a cup on the table. Now it’s on the floor. Clearly, this is your fault.

coworker: you should try my therapist

me: i’ve seen their work no thanks

Cinderella is my favorite story of a guy who couldn’t remember what the love of his life looked like.

The worst part about getting kidnapped would be when the news told everyone your real height and weight.

[Murderer breaks into my house]

Murderer: “Alexa, play sinister music.”

My 4yo niece: do you have a girlfriend?
Me: no
Niece: a boyfriend?
Me: no
[pause]

Niece: do you have a friend?

Drinking alcohol can lead to many things, like uneating your food.

[snowman rings doorbell]
Pardon me, but I overheard someone say something about a “snow blower” and was wondering where I might find one.

Bees disappearing is worrisome because of the environment but also there’s the possibility of invisible bees.

Him: I got a 69 on my test
Me: Nice
Him: I bet you don’t even know why people say that
Me: *hoping it’s because 69 is the sum of sums of the divisors of the first 9 positive integers* because 69 is the sum of sums of the divisors of the first 9 positive integers
Him: Lucky guess

the only difference between 15 year old me and current me is that if i fell off of a skateboard now i would die.

Friend: You’re so calm and quiet lately- I like this peaceful side of you

Me [my brain rotating like an insanely out-of-control taffy machine]: haha thanks

7’s new favorite animal is the spider.

He tells me fact after fact about them, he’s made the background of his school iPad a spider, and he shows me pictures constantly.

I’ve been a pretty good mom, so I’m not sure what I did to deserve this.

my daughter told me that I am eating my elderly era. I’m not sure what that means and if I should thank her or ground her

The definition of Irony:
Your job sucks
Your kids suck
Your life sucks
Your wife…doesn’t

Yesterday, I met a girl who runs a battery kiosk at our local park.
Yes that’s right
She sells c cells down by the seesaw!

cop: do you know why i pulled you over

me: [through foam mascot head] ya

*walks into bank dragging one of those giant checks behind me*
*everyone claps & cheers*
*hands check over to teller*
Check is for $1.00

I’m 45. When does my baby fat finally go away?

*maintains eye contact while checking ‘Dating Librarians For Dummies’ out from the library.

Dear Stephanie on Facebook,

I do not care that you are watching The Breakfast Club.

I only want to know what channel it’s on.

i married for love

but the obvious side benefit of having someone around to find my glasses cannot be ignored

Son: Mom, set a 30-minute timer on your phone.

Me: Okay.

[30 minutes later]

Son: What keeps beeping??

Me: I have no idea

Facetious. Because I like to use all vowels, in order.

My dog burst through the screen door yesterday so I’m dressing her up as the Kool-Aid man for Halloween.

e=mc2 was just Einstein comparing himself to other rappers

Why use 2 A’s in the name Aaron? Why not 17? What’s stopping us?

Big fight at Bible group. Jeff said Jesus was a liberal and Cheryl said Jeff gave her chlamydia