Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

everyone on this flight out of Philly was relying on the guy who shelled out for in flight wifi to periodically announce the score on the eagles game like the town crier in a midsized medieval village

Her: I don’t think I’ve ever read a recipe before that uses words like smear pulverize and glop.

Me in a huff: well you asked how I made it

[bedroom]
Me getting out whipped cream: I’ve been waiting for this
Gf: kinky, I like it
Me already eating pie: what

The cashier at McDonald’s was more than happy to warm up some Diet Coke for my baby’s bottle.

A kid came up to me in the grocery store just now and loudly proclaimed, “Kale is my power vegetable! What’s your power vegetable?” I tried to come up with an answer but it was clear that I didn’t have one. They said, “It’s OK. I didn’t find my power vegetable until I was 6.”

Mornin. * use accordingly

I’d like to learn a second language. I’ve narrowed it down to either Spanish or Canadian.

My wife is mad that my daughter is crying in this restaurant but she should be mad that our daughter is so bad at tic-tac-toe that I’ve beaten her 24 times in a row.

I’d climb the deepest ocean for you.

Ducktails gave me very unrealistic expectations of generational wealth among waterfowl

Me: did you leave out the cookies for Santa?

My Kid: yes.

Me: and the milk?

My Kid: yup!

Me: and the waiver for Santa to sign holding us harmless in the event of food poisoning?

My Kid: (sigh) yes.

I’ve never seen Les Misérables, but it looks like a cool movie about people who sing while working at Urban Outfitters.

I thought there had to be another explanation for why they disappear but a repairman just took apart my washer machine AND IT WAS FULL OF LOOSE SOCKS

[me at 22]
in a hurry, better run up this flight of stairs

[me at 32]
i threw out my back because the toaster startled me

yeah i’m a bit of a rebel

[Elementary School sends out the “time to check lost and found for your child’s missing items” annual email…]

Me: Hello, U-haul…Me again…Imma need your biggest truck

Me:[slathers self in butter]

Them: I said BETTER! Better yourself!

Based upon recent baking experience I have concluded that a loaf of bread should cost $75.

so i’m at the stock market right

The first “cowboy” was a hideous creature, born of irresponsible science.

I see my dentist every six months to make sure my records are up to date for body identification.

It’s impossible to lick your elbow. You never let me. Please. I want this.

Butterfly courtship ritual:

Male: *does mating dance*
Lady: Fluttery will get you nowhere

My husband has recently discovered that he’s a coffee snob.

Husband: I think I’d like a grinder.

12yo: Download it from the app store

Me:

Husband:

12yo:

If I had a nickel every time a recent film featured a nihilistic, multiverse traveling supervillain who causes the protagonist to encounter other versions of themselves all because of a bagel- I’d have two nickels. Which isn’t a lot but it’s weird that it happened twice.

4k tvs? no thanks i only need one

Your mother and I want you to know that we love you very much, so that’s why we’re getting a divorce and marrying you instead.

Mariah Carey beginning with “I don’t want a lot for Christmas” and then revealing she wants “you” is such a good burn

I got fired from being the events coordinator at the local orphanage. I think it’s cause family day never really took off

“How would you like your eggs?”
“Whipped up and inside a chocolate cake please.”