Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Did you know?

Baby kangaroos are called joeys because they are the enforcers for the Marsupial Mafia.

Turtle 911: Whats ur emergency?

Turtle: MY GIRLFRIEND JUST DISAPPEARED!

911: Have u tried looking in her house?

Turtle: oops never mind.

Making crop circles IS a full time job, Troy. No one gets funding to study aliens if there are no aliens to study. Duh.

Not to brag, but I can spend hours coming up with reasons not to do something that takes 5 minutes.

These drawstring pajama pants practically fall down when I don’t tie them, so I guess another piece of birthday cake is in order.

I’m not a helicopter mom.

I’m more of a “come & get me only if there’s blood” kind of mom.

My nephew’s inability to get his life started is so frustrating. Get a job, learn a skill, get a hobby or just do SOMETHING. But my family keeps justifying his behavior because “he’s only three.”

My brother dropped my MacBook and the screen got slightly cracked, so I’m giving it away for free if anyone’s interested

Specifications:
Age : 11
Weight : 25Kgs
Healthy so far.

QUESTIONNAIRE

Do you need glasses?
[ ] Yes
[ ] No

X

Of course I know the difference between right and wrong … wrong is the fun one

Such bad timing that me having the menopause coincided with everyone suddenly breathing really loudly

I talk a lot of smack for someone who believes the plane will tip over if you stand up midflight.

me: dating is hard

me on a date: convicted rainbows go to prisms but it’s usually a light sentence

Me to my husband: Would you like to bring a third into our love making? [my googly eyed hand puppet slides into view]

Me: people who betray you need to know that they make us incapable of trusting again
My mum: it was one mango that was bad of the lot! Just let the vendor go!

Chief cop: “This might be racially motivated.”
Ian: “Hate crime?”
Chief cop: “We all hate crime, Ian. That’s why we are cops.”

zeus: my son hercules has the biggest, muscles of all

poseidon, holding a bucket of shellfish: i seem to have misunderstood the assignment

Frodo is a beautiful name for a boy. Has a ring to it.

Cop: know why I pulled you over?

“Hopefully to arrest me.”

Cop: [sees backseat full of screaming kids] sir, please step out of the vehicle

A missing 3YO was found inside a bowling alley claw game. After many failed attempts to get him out, police just settled on the turtle doll.

[on my deathbed]
me: a….ah…..
wife: what is it!! what are you trying to say?
me: ah…… alexa…… play despacito

This year I have a few special people on my list that will get expired gift cards wrapped up with tons of glitter.

The sock thief who lives in our dryer has developed a taste for masks.

I asked my 5-year-old what she was on because she was having such a good time wiggling and being weird. She looked at me like she finally met the dumbest person in the world, “the couch.”

I’m at a kids fun park and let me just emphasize that the word “fun” is used loosely here.

this is the most cat thing ive ever seen

Someone already tweeted it’s hot outside.

Delete your tweet.

*trying to awkwardly start a conversation with my barber* I ALSO like scissors.

What’s the name of that Adam Sandler’s movie were he plays an immature adult?