I don’t know why this driver threw his hands up and asked what I was doing. I thought it was pretty clear I was cutting him off.
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Now whenever a kid draws a Rectangle they have to pay Apple a dollar.
You deplete me
Like my therapist always says, “I’m not your therapist, you’re just laying on a couch in Ikea”
Her: Did you find the restroom?
Me: Yes. Now we can do some doody free shopping LOL
Top three perverts that see you when you’re sleeping:
1. Santa.
2. God.
3. NSA.
A fun way to get exercise is grab a chainsaw and chase a hiker.
Walnuts aren’t the same when they’re not surrounded by a brownie.
I went to the gym and ended up watching tennis for an hour.
I blame ESPN for my eventual demise.
When you’re born, they don’t tell you about challenges you’ll face or friends you’ll make. You’re a baby for chrissakes; it’d be stupid.
ALLOW CURSE WORDS IN THE SPELLING BEE ALREADY, GIVE THE LITTLE NERDS A THRILL
Potatoes & rice should be friends but they’re starch enemies.
It’s okay to get rid of the boxes for the electronic thing you’ve had for the past four years
I can’t even tell you how much I would not enjoy this
The kid hasn’t pooped in 3 days.
Do I just squeeze him from the other end like a tube of toothpaste?
Co-worker playfully snapped my suspenders and now everyone in the office knows my safe word.
When you’re feeling frisky and shaved up to your knee.
I was not prepared for my knees to sound like some one is breaking spaghetti noodles in half every time I go up the stairs.
This is the most amazing dad shit I’ve ever seen. Dude let the baby go, caught the ball, recovered the baby mid air, only spilled a drop of beer and the baby didn’t drop the bottle.
Legendary!
*spits out mouthful of blood* it’s gonna take more than that to kill me
Dentist: for the love of God just floss
Tell your household jumble of working & non working miscellaneous cables I said hi
Ain’t no sunshine when she’s gone, but there sure are a lot of unauthorized charges on the credit card.
The vaccine is amazing, but it will not make you magnetic. The only way to get magnetized is to stand at the top of a lighthouse wearing a mysterious amulet during an eclipse
My wife put toilet paper on automatic purchase and delivery from Amazon so we never run out.
Challenge accepted!
The older I get, the more I lose my looks. But I’m also losing my eyesight, so it’s not my problem
WORKOUT GUY: Climbing stairs after leg day is the worst bro!
ME: My face hurts because I napped too hard on my face.
Find you a freak in the sheets & a librarian in the library.
HOT LOCAL SINGLES IN YOUR AREA WANT YOUR CREDIT CARD NUMBER.
*heist at the louvre*
Me: *jiggling handle* crap it’s locked
I opened a door for a girl, but then the crowd flow never stopped so I’ve been holding this door open for 3 days.
Send help.