Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Cannot stop laughing at this

Daughter, who can clearly see me cleaning the toilet: “Mom do you like being a grownup?”

Twitter is like being able to read every toilet wall in the world.

If you aren’t amazed by a plant showing up after you put a seed in the ground, we have nothing to talk about. Unless you’re like, really hot.

Men: Take Route 2 to the 156 and get on the 7.

Me: I DO NOT KNOW WHAT THIS MEANS.

Son, your father and I have something to tell you – you were adopted. Your new parents are waiting outside in the car.

If chameleons were better at their jobs we wouldn’t even know there were chameleons.

Itsy bitsy spider (drenched): sorry I’m late

Spider’s wife: what took so long?

Itsy bitsy spider: I got washed down the water spout

Spider’s wife: you won’t be climbing up that again

Itsy bitsy spider: yeah… for sure

[Red Lobster]
Waiter: we’re offering Endless Shrimp.
Me: bring me the endless shrimp
<5 days later>
Waiter: please leave, I have a family

wife: the turn was back there

me: i know that, k- omg, i almost called you karen. i’ve been on twitter too much

wife: my name is karen

me: ughh this is different, karen

I’m so out of touch with pop culture. My 5-year-old asked if DJ Marshmello was an actual marshmallow and I had to google it.

Stephen is a much nicer name than “hen from a previous marriage.”

Too bad they cancelled the Chicago Marathon I was going to run it this year

[Séance]
*knock, knock*
ME: Wh-who’s there?
[ouija board spells out A-T-C-H]
ME: atch who?
[spells out B-L-E-S-S-Y-O-U]
ME: Dammit, Grandpa!

In my experience, the quickest way to escape Jury Duty? As they read out the charges, yell out, “Oh c’mon…even I’ve done THAT!”

[preparing chicken for lunch]
me: it’s a meal we eat at midday

chicken: gotcha

When someone asks “You know what I think?”, I say “Yes I do”. End of discussion.

Revenge is sweet I whisper to myself as I use the guest towels.

me: hi do you take walk-ins?

groundskeeper at the cemetery: what?

Wife: I’m pissed!

Me: still or again?

[joker voice] one person steals a joke? they’re a joke thief. a scumbag. but a thousand people steal a joke? [smacks lips] that’s a meme

A main part of marriage is heavy sighing to let your spouse know you are upset then saying, “nothing” when they ask what’s wrong.

wife: You’re home early
me [hugging the dog] I had to see you

I hug people I hate so I know how big I need to dig the hole in my backyard.

Kept nodding off at an estate auction and bought a garden gnome for 3 million dollars.

Calm on the outside. Screaming goat on the inside.

Just beat Eminem 4000 straight times at musical chairs by playing “The Real Slim Shady” over and over.

Doctor said if I have a vasectomy I wouldn’t have any kids, had the operation, got home, they’re still there

DOROTHY: What do these shoes do?
GLINDA: Send you home
D: Lame [tries new pair] And these?
G: Wait-
D: [clicks heels]
[turns into hamburger]