I don’t know why this driver threw his hands up and asked what I was doing. I thought it was pretty clear I was cutting him off.
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I bet Ryan Gosling doesn’t even blow his candles out. He probably just winks at them and they faint.
I just know I will die trying to pet something I shouldn’t.
Chip bags should be clear, show me what you want me to pay $6 for, cowards.
👾👾👾
Oh, you like astronomy? Name all the stars.
Hairdresser: [holding up mirror] what do you think?
Me: [horrified] I love it
One fun thing about kids crying is trying to determine if they broke a crayon or got their arm stuck in a piece of farming equipment.
Thoughts and prayers to my daughter who wrote a sentence that didn’t fit on one line.
When I see a door with the sign ‘Door Alarmed’ I always tell the door “don’t worry, it’s only me”
~ It’s all about the empathy.
Coding: Where incessantly talking to yourself seems completely normal and debugging is like being a detective in a movie where you are both the detective and the perpetrator.
I’m super impressed by how many football players wear their Invisaligners while they play.
welcome to your forties now your eyebrows grow from your left shoulder
If men had periods our commercials would be awesome…
[Concert finishes]
Me: *taking a bow*
Violinist: Hey, give that back
Boss: My door is always open
Me: I know and it makes it really hard for me to leave work early
“Oh man, that thing looks irritated”
– me, pulling into the airport parking lot and seeing my mother-in-law waiting on the curb
[cat clinic]
DR. CAT: What seems to be the problem?
CAT: Me-ow
DR. CAT: You need to be more specific
a great headline for when there is a world wide fresh water shortage will be “water we gonna do??” we will need the laughs
Some mistakes you only make once, like sniffing your kids’ clothes to see if they’re dirty or clean
I told my therapist that I’m a whore. He disagreed and said I’m a people pleaser, so I blew him just to make sure we’re on the same page.
There should be a rule that people have to say what they want from you BEFORE asking “are you busy?”
” Don’t be upset”
Thanks man , I needed to be told that
I’m better now.
[Ouija board starts shaking and screeching]
Me: hold on I gotta take this
My hips? Compulsive liars.
20’s: AT DAWN WE RIDE !
40’s: AT NINE WE SLEEP !
[at a job fair]
Me: Where’s the ferris wheel?
Who called it a “backpack” and not, “the sexiest way to deliver bees to an ex.”
Me: What’s your favorite book?
Date: War and Peace
Me: *mouth full of McNuggets* No, you can only choose one