Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

What if Canada is just like 100 dudes faking a country like that scene in Home Alone where Kevin fakes the party?

The most important thing I learned from working at the bank is which lollipop flavor tastes the best.

If I arrive wearing more than one hat it is because I could not decide & could not bear to leave one or more of them behind.

WHAT DO WE WANT?!
Follow-up questions!

WHEN DO WE WANT IT?
OH HELL YEAH THAT’S THE STUFF

Ours was an impossible friendship. You were a squirrel with no identifiable markings and I could never be sure if you were you.

Nutritionist: if you can’t pronounce the first ingredient on the label, you shouldn’t eat it

Me: ok

[at grocery store]

Me: *reading label* k-kw-kwi

Clerk: quinoa

Me: definitely not eating that

Them: what kind of friend are you?
Me: idk Phoebe maybe

I hate it when healthy me does the groceries, because now fat me needs a snack.

Windows: Would like to…
⚪️ Restart
⚪️ Update and restart

Me: I’d like to restart

Windows:

What scares me most about being stranded on a desert island is having to figure out how to make all the ingredients for nachos from scratch.

not to brag but once I was flirting with this girl and a day later she got back with her ex

The odds of being murdered by a chicken are low, but never zero.

[teaching my dog to shake hands]

NO! Firmer than that. Want them to take you seriously?

How can I be too drunk to get on this plane? I’m not flying it.

I’m not saying I don’t like people… but if someone walks toward me in a library, I’ll plug my headphones into the book I’m reading.

we went out to lunch with my father in law. jokingly he told 6 to order beer for a drink so when it was 6’s turn he yelled “BEER!” and the entire restaurant looked at us like we’re terrible people.

My husband obviously loves my style, anytime I say “How do I look?” He doesn’t even have to look at me, he just replies “Gorgeous.”

“Matter cannot be created nor destroyed…”

Then explain to me why my kids can manage to turn a bathtub full of water into four bathtubs of water outside of said tub?

DOCTOR: Are you sexually active?
ME: No.
DOCTOR: Are you at least active?
ME: Also no.

*slowly backs away from you
*down the stairs
*out the door
*along the street
*through the airport
*onto to a plane
*into another country

You know when people wear 2 t-shirts at once and they look trendy and it looks really good on them well when I do it people are like “hey did you know you’re wearing two shirts”

just learned from my mom that my brother is contributing so heavily to chocolate milk sales at the local supermarket that they’ve requested to be notified when he leaves for college so that they don’t overstock

Husband: *measures out 3 cups of rice, cooks*

Me: what are you-

Husband: *muffled, from behind a giant mountain of rice* why did I end up with 80 cups?!!

Me: *shouting* because you don’t get rice math!

God: Build an ark
Noah: For?
God: Animals and shit I dunno

[earlier]
Devil: Bet you can’t trick someone into building an ark
God: Game on.

You tell me to get off my high horse? Why dont you tell the damn horse to stop getting high all the time.. His drug problem isn’t my problem

So I met this hooker who said she’d do anything for ten bucks .

Guess who got his yard cut?

Sure. I lift.

*lifts donut to mouth*

eminem: look, if you only had one shot-
me: I’d ask for more shots
eminem: you can’t… *rubbing bridge of nose* you can’t ask for more shots

This salad is delicious, probably because it’s a donut.

I’m not saying I want a divorce, it’s just that sometimes 50% custody sounds pretty appealing.