I don’t know why we have three different pig emojis but it’s great for when you need to tell someone a pig is slowly approaching:
🐖🐷
🐽
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[getting arrested for passing out drunk while driving] “oh, so now it’s illegal to take a nap?”
Act now and we will double your order of crap!
Infomercials
[first day as a barista]
ME: large coffee ready for a *squints to read* nice hole
NICHOLE: oh come on
It’s time to play “Is My Kid Hugging Me or Cleaning His Nose or Both?”
me to a cat or dog: and are you the best baby? the fluffiest? are you the babiest baby of them all? do you get stopped every day and asked about how it feels to be a baby?
me to a real, human baby: good afternoon. i appreciate your small shoes.
For Sale: Wedding Suit, worn only once by mistake..
[hits rock bottom]
rock bottom : *calls 911 for being assaulted*
Five little monkeys jumping on the bed,
One fell down and bumped his head,
Mama called the doctor and the doctor said,
Start a GoFundMe or else he’s dead
love how during intense moments in space-themed movies they’ll show the dashboard panels, as though you’ll be like ah. ah i see the issue
As an adult I’ve caused the most trouble by pressing ‘send’
[Dinner at Arby’s]
Me: Remember our first date here? Feels like yesterday
Her: It was lunch today. Please take me home
Me: Ahh memories
Here’s a tip how about designing a Band-Aid that you can open before you bleed out WHAT AN IDEA
If you don’t call ahead of time I won’t answer the door, but I don’t answer phones, so you see the dilemma.
COP: *drawing chalk outline around victim*
ME: what’s that for?
COP: seriously?
ME:
COP: I think it’s to keep out ants
[First day of medical school]
Teacher: Here is a diagram of all the vessels of the body…
Me: So in surgery, do we cut the red one or the blue one to diffuse the bomb?
My wife doesn’t believe that auto correct changed “Yes dear” to “Hell no I’m not picking your mother up from the airport at 1am.”
I’m not saying breakfast tacos are the cure but I’ve had breakfast tacos every day for 2 weeks and I’m COVID19 free, you do the math.
In the past 3 weeks, my trash has gone out more than I have.
Watching movies with kids:
If he/she hasn’t seen it, eons and billions of questions.
If he/she has seen it, eons and billions of spoilers.
Mom: Have you tried the lemon squares?
Me, joking: Nah, I’m allergic to shapes
Mom, serious: It doesn’t look like you’re allergic to round
Ace of Base and the Lords of Acid meet in a bar and neutralize each other
This is a little film called, “Trying to Describe Myself to My Lyft Driver So He Can Find Me”
*weighs myself in kilograms to own the lbs
“What are we doing here, Marcy?”
“Seeing how I’d look with bangs.”
Him: “I feel-”
Me: “I FEEL IT TOO. IT’S JUST LIKE PHOEBE SAID. YOU’RE MY LOBSTER.”
Him: “-gassy.”
The opposite of ‘taking candy from a baby’ is ‘putting sunscreen on a toddler’.
There’s no gangsta way to get out of a hammock.
Plenty of tweets about normalize this and normalize that. Not enough about carmelizing this and that.
It’s okay bowel syndrome, I am irritable too.
Everybody want to be a gangsta till it’s time to go to jail.