Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

What do people who drive 20 mph slower in the rain want from us

I have just planted some herbs so I am very excited to harvest one (1) tiny basil leaf in 8 weeks

Boss: Can I have a word with you?

Me: umbrella

Me: *putting on docuseries about the “Yorkshire Ripper”*

Husband: isn’t that the guy who made weird pudding out of people?

Coworker: Can you keep a secret?
Me: Nope.

If it walks like a duck and it looks like a duck, the chances are she’s practising for her next selfie

As I’m loudly interrogating my stuffed animals on why I’m single, I realize why I’m still single.

Untangling Christmas lights is the closest my wife and I have ever gotten to S&M.

My boss tries to motivate me by saying I should treat every day like it’s my first.

So I keep making mistakes.

A video of a seal jumping in a boat
to escape killer whales went viral.

They were trying to orca-strate
a meal, but didn’t seal the deal.

My kid announced he’s counting to Infinity. It’s been five minutes and he’s on 39. Send help.

Why is it called “owl city” if there’s 10 million fireflies and no owls. should be called firefladelphia.

bugs bunny: i’m asking lola to marry me, i need a ring

jeweler: how many karats

bugs bunny: however many it takes, my good man, i just love her soo much

I can’t move mountains but I can shift blame.

me: ugh I’m so fat
him: babe no, it’s all in your head
me: oh great, I don’t even know any head exercises

It takes 72 hours to make a rare steak in an Easy Bake oven so my dinner party might be delayed a bit.

[ant colony]

husband: I am beat

wife: you’re the one who wanted to be in construction. I should’ve married a doctor

husband: yeah but *flexing* can a doctor lift 5,000 times his body weight?

wife: WE ALL CAN, GARY

[Soldiers regrouping]
Where’s Jim?
He went M.I.A.
*Cut to Jim*
♫ All I wanna do
*bang bang bang bang*
*reloading noise*
And shoot enemies ♫

If your problem can be solved by:

Naps
Cake
Drugs
Alcohol
or Murder

Then you don’t really have a problem.

There is no cool way to zip up your pants during a meeting.

[Me flirting with a twenty something]

Him: When last did you get lit?

Me: This morning. It was really sunny so I was well illuminated.

*Panda walks into shop, “A packet of nuts please.”
Assistant: “pandas don’t eat nuts.”
-“dammit” panda suit opens and 36 squirrels run off.

Having a lot of conversations where I sigh heavily and say “Yeah I just don’t think enough people are prepared for the possibility that this may never really end” except no one knows I’m talking about the chicken sandwich wars

Salem during the 1600’s was great. If your woman pissed you off, you just tell people she’s a witch and they kill the bitch. For free.

My wife handles our kids like a boss. The only problem is she make me do it too 😂

My (27F) boyfriend (28M) won’t stop saying he’s “microdosing pants” whenever he wears shorts

#ThisIsWhyMeghanLeft

Interviewer: How would you say the Queen’s response…

Prince William: Definitely not racistly!

Just checked my bank account. Looks like everyone’s getting a hug for Christmas.