“I don’t know why you don’t just leave him, Elaine.”
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My wife took a bunch of my clothes to make a scarecrow today and seeing it come together I realized I dress like a scarecrow.
Supermassive Black Hole
Or what others call pizza night
ME: Imagine if your toenails screamed when you cut them.
WIFE: Ok get off me. I’m not in the mood anymore.
Me: Eat your dinner.
6: But my belly hurts.
Me: Okay then you can go lay down but no treats or snacks later.
6: But I’ll feel better then.
The reason we are all so obsessed with finding Kate Middleton is because we grew up with Super Mario Bros and were literally trained to save the princess
I almost got ran over by joggers. I saved myself by pretending to be a stop light. I got away while they jogged in place.
HER: Impress me.
ME: I own a record label-
HER: Ooooooo
ME: er. A record labelER. It makes labels for my Abba vinyls.
Can y’all please stop posting obi-wan spoilers? I’m not going to watch it I just don’t want to hear about it anymore.
Her: *slaps grilled cheese from my hand* I’m leaving you!
Me: *slowly removes emergency grilled cheese from my pocket*
God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot kill, the courage to blow up the things I can, and the wisdom to not get caught.
Save some A’s for the rest of the animal kingdom, aardvarks.
me, 1988: my dad calls everything by the wrong name. why doesn’t he know what anything is
me: 2018: calling my kid’s mindcraft game “computer legos” is way funnier than saying mindcraft and it pisses her off every time
Today I learnt that a group of pandas is called an embarrassment. I finally found a group where I fit in
WAITER: the duck is organic & cruelty-free
ME: can i order a duck who endured lots of cruelty
WAITER: what why
ME: a duck killed my father
Either you’re violently frolicking with me or you’re violently frolicking against me.
the guy who ran this museum we are in in Slovenia just talked us through how the museum worked and then said “seeing as you’re British, please don’t steal anything for your own museum”
Paper jam is the least delicious of all preserves.
I can’t afford a vacation. So I’m just going to drink until I don’t know where I am.
Grandma complained that with age, her joints were getting weaker.
Told her to just roll them a little tighter.
My cat thinks his name is Pspspspssss
Me: My weight is up. I really hate winter.
Him: Don’t be discouraged. You’ll bounce back in spring once you shave your legs.
I set an alarm when I’m napping just to make sure I’m not late for my second nap.
The only thing worse than thinking of what to make for dinner is then having to cook it.
We should be able to take our arms off when we go to sleep, we have the technology
‘My Dad was asking me how was the Duo Lingo concert?’
I just won $8 on a scratch ticket. Lock up your girlfriends, I got that double cheeseburger money
Pasta aisle is cleaned out because that’s all most people know how to cook.
when santa breaks into homes to take food it’s festive but when i do it it’s a crime??
I’m at my most math when I solve a problem while creating three new ones.
rich people when they have to pay taxes
