“I don’t know why you don’t just leave him, Elaine.”
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It’s Mother’s Day Eve so remember to leave out a bottle of wine for Mom when she comes down the chimney.
I’ll usually order the chicken sandwich. I like my food to be more cowardly than I am.
why yes i studied sports medicine at the university of phoenix. *puts stethoscope on basketball, nods*
[me all weekend]
AAAHH CANT SLEEP TOO EXCITED ABOUT INDICTMENT[Mueller on Monday]
We’re charging Manafort with running a stop sign in 1994
Hear me out, a q-tip that doesn’t bounce out the trash can when you throw it away…
Food FACT: Omelette takeaway restaurants were very popular in biblical times. The most famous of these was called Judas Eggscarryout.
Person: “I hate geology puns.”
Me: “My sediments exactly.”
Amazon packaging #BlowsMyMind
ME: I’ll take that angry cantaloupe.
FRUIT STALL VENDOR: You mean the pineapple?
mother’s day idea: treat your mom as she has treated you! force her to take piano lessons
Sandal was upset at the vet yesterday, because nothing bad has ever happened to him so he thinks being weighed is a war crime, and the technician kept trying to soothe him by saying ” awww, pobrecita chancleta” (literally, “poor little flip-flop”). he’s never living this down
Eric Trump said the Syria strike was swayed by a “heartbroken” Ivanka. He also pouted that dad has never bombed a country for him.
ANDY: I clarified your butter.
ME: Ghee! Thanks!
angel: whatcha making?
god: *sharpening a fly* bee
“Wow, Dad, you had two beers and then ANOTHER ONE?!”
– My 3yo, auditioning for a new family.
Forever thinking about the person 14 years ago who said earnestly (?) if they eat shrimp they get diarrhea “and vice versa.”
date: I come from old money
me: *waving around a quarter from 1955* this doing anything for you
Okay, wait a second. I pee, I do my belt, THEN I wash my hands. I don’t know about you but I’ve never, ever washed my belt.
[meeting aboard the ISS space station]
Capt: all personnel are-David sit down please
Me trying to open a window cos it’s stuffy: in a minute
The highest paid minds in campaign fundraising are hard at work figuring out how to send me more mail that I hate
My child will plan a thousand activities for after school then come home and sit in her pants watching cartoons for hours instead so I guess the apple really doesn’t fall far from the tree
My dating profile just says, “High risk, high reward”.
My suitcase was 1 pound overweight at bag check so i smiled sweetly at the ticket agent to get away with it… Yall that man said “idk what you doing that for… i got all my teeth too” 😂😂😂
[cool person follows me]
me: ok I gotta bring my A game now it’s only good tweets from here
me 5 mins later: horses r just big dogs ?
me: haha wow, you *really* seem to like my eyes
optometrist: again, please hold still
gimma back my stick frost man… 😖☃️
A lot of communication between a toddler and a mother is nonverbal. For example, today my 1-year-old walked up to me and handed me deodorant.
*swallows pride*
*gets aggressively escorted from the zoo*
What’s the game you play that when you lose you never regret it?
Russian roulette.
I just want someone to look at me the way my dog looks at a dishwasher full of dirty dishes.