“I don’t know why you don’t just leave him, Elaine.”
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One time I found $100 bill in the IKEA parking lot….. I then went inside and spent $447. Brillianty played, IKEA.
I don’t know who needs to hear this but you’re not a savage, you’re an idiot.
The only issue with being single is when you fall asleep on the couch after dinner and are wide awake at midnight and you can’t make it someone else’s problem
“boys are only interested in one thing” yes and that thing is artisanal olive oils
trump may have a point about video game violence, ever since skyrim came out i’ve been climbing to high elevations and shouting bears off of cliffs and i don’t think it’s a coincidence
Here are the locations of the missing items in your home:
The TV remote is in the bathroom
The kitchen scissors are under your kid’s bed
Your keys are behind the toaster
And your chapstick is gone forever – give up on that one
I hate it when I’m trying to discreetly pick a wedgie in public and inadvertently end up doing every dance routine from Spice World.
peter parker: i’m broke i need a job
mary jane: well you invented web shooters, spider-tracers, web wings…
peter: yes! that’s it
mary jane: ya just patent your inventio-
peter: i’lll take pictures of myself and sell them to a newspaper
How do you explain this gap in your resume?
“I was in jail.”
Okay. Sure you weren’t working for Trump’s campaign?
“Swear to God. Jail.”
Gimme a cheese sub, hold the cheese
“Um, just the bread?”
No bread thanks
“I erm?”
Just butter my hand. And quit gawping I ain’t got all day
I’m at the age where if I took an oatmeal bath I would want to add blueberries.
I was in a park and a lady loudly called out “Anyone who wants an ice cream come over here”. I headed over with several others. She handed out ices to them all then asked me “Who are you?”. I realised the rest were all her family. 30 years later I still cringe.
7-year-old: Can we leave the house?
Me: We could go for a walk.
7: And then what?
Me: Come back to the house.
7: I’ll just stay here.
It still pisses me off that teachers gave us shit about paying attention and then had to take attendance to see if one of their kids was missing
COP: Do u know why I pulled u over?
ME: *looks at the penguin in my passenger seat* God damnit Ralph I told u to put ur seatbelt on.
Me, getting mugged: make sure you use that credit card for groceries. I get fuel points.
Ever sit at your desk and your hand automatically reaches for the seatbelt?
Just me? 😬
*overheard in 6’s virtual class*
6: I saw a raccoon our backyard yesterday, and I wanted to show it to my mom, but it ran away.
Kid: Oh, are raccoons scared of your mom?
if you’re not in my circle of trust , you’re probably in my triangle of suspicion or rhombus of doubt.
*drinking water* Ahh, yes. Surely this single glass will reverse what I did to my body this weekend.
“Hey, smell this.”
-Me, about to chloroform my feral kids before bedtime.
A good way to make sure people leave you alone at work? Let them catch you laughing at the urinal
If you don’t win at least 3 made up arguments in the shower, are you even clean?
If you were the birthday gift I bought my daughter 3 months ago, where would you be hiding?
I will never stop laughing at this
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My life is a rollercoaster. There’s a lot of sitting down and screaming.
Sure, getting murdered is horrible, but have you ever been stuck in and endless group text?
Do you ever think about how many people squeezed the avocado that you’re eating?
“Everything else tastes like us. Why do we need to die?” -chickens