“I don’t know why you don’t just leave him, Elaine.”
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STOP ACTING LIKE THIS GROCERY STORE GIFT CARD ISN’T ROMANTIC. WHO DOESN’T LIKE FOOD?
tensing up so the masseuse doesn’t win
Hot tip for dog owners:
Be on the lookout for “whale eyes.” If your dog has whale eyes, this is BAD SIGN. That is not your dog, it is a whale pretending to be your dog and you are in IMMEDIATE DANGER
[Yelp review for Mario Bros Plumbing]
Ate my mushrooms, killed ALL my turtles, stole my coin collection. 1 star.
-Bowser K.
Stop playing that stupid game and pick a Netflix movie Arthur!
murderer: [rips open my shower curtain] why are you wearing shoes
Me: I know we haven’t known each other for long but *gets down on one knee* Will you marry me?
Priest: Actually I’m here to marry you AND your fiancé now get up people are staring
Son: I don’t like it when the house pees on me
Me: OMG just get in the shower
One of my favourite summer activities is to pretend I don’t know what a motorcycle is. It seems to sting worse because I’m a heavily tattooed blonde woman. I like to keep saying ‘it sounds like you’re describing a bicycle?’
I just kissed the cat and now she has peanut butter on her head.
How do I like eggs?
Ummm…in a cake!
I’d like to do more voiceover work if anybody’s got a lead or anything. I sound like a freaky guy and am famous for accepting payment.
Wonder what happened to all the kids in middle school who flipped their eyelids inside out at recess
bought some granny panties— turns out they’re not even made of little old ladies
You raise a generation of overthinkers by telling them to put on their thinking caps in second grade, but never to take them off.
Death sent a message asking us to just cool it for a bit
*Buys a bunch of wooden letters*
Cashier: Feeling crafty?
Me: Nope, just trying to make a name for myself.
Me: “If Americans say ‘sidewalk’, what do we mean in England?”
My six year old: “Crab!”
Did a crunch. Sprained an ovary.
0/10. Do not recommend.
Me: [uncontrollable sobbing] I can’t see you anymore. I won’t let you hurt me again.
Trainer: It was a sit-up. You did 1 sit-up.
please do not approach me unless i have an exclamation point above my head indicating i have a quest for you
Doctor: “Do you think your alcohol consumption may be getting out of control?”
Me: *swirls drink* “No”.
My greatest wish is for every guy who has ever rejected me to end up with a girl who asks tons of questions during a movie.
What if Tony soprano was holding a cat like The Godfather but the cat is Garfield
I got pulled over for speeding just outside Atlanta. The cop asked why I was in town, I said to do stand up, he asked me to tell him a joke, I told a really dirty one, he didn’t give me a ticket. Honestly, one of my all-time highest paid stand up gigs!!!
When your kid says “I told you I knew how to be good” and you start getting flashbacks of all the times when they didn’t know at all
Say what you want about online meetings but there are few things more liberating than attending a disciplinary hearing naked from the waist down.
Seeing cover letters that say things like “since I was 4 it’s always been my dream to work as a staff accountant for your organization” and I’m like ok my goal at 4 was to live in a gingerbread house you’re hired.
Don’t call me honey or baby if I don’t know you.
I’ll marry you and move my mother in with us and then you’ll be sorry.
55% of all country music songs in the ’70s described the tightness of someone’s jeans