Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If you call pooping ‘taking a dumpling’ it’s too cute for people to care where you did it

Bandanas are back in style, it only took a worldwide pandemic.

Me: I need to lose my baby weight.
Diet coach: Awww, how old is your youngest?
Me: Thirteen.

if a staircase can spiral so can i.

Ah to be a little slug on a day like today. The rain is out. No cares in the world. Time for slime.

you’re opening a chip bag and it goes great except for a tiny tear and it seems fine but then the rip starts to get bigger and you’re worried you won’t be able to seal the bag and it keeps going and the entire bag is split open and it continues until the earth fully bifurcates

I always close the door to the bathroom even if I’m home alone. What if someone broke in and saw me peeing? That would be so embarrassing

I saw an image of the Virgin Mary on a pumpkin!

It squashed all of my doubts…

And, reinforced my faith in Gourd.

The word tag is confusing. It can mean spray paint or touch someone & they’re it. Either way, there’s a purple kid in my neighborhood now

problems i need

We’ve known each other for a while now and we both feel a deep connection. I think we’re ready to take this to the next level. Tonight I’m going to explain the metric system to you.

[Airport Bar]
Me: I’ll have a beer, please.
Bartender: That’ll be $45.
Me: Worth it.

Quick shout-out to @funTweeters. The “aggregators” and “parodies” could learn a thing or two from this account. It’s aggregation done right.

You fight a boss in a video game and it’s “acceptable,” but you fight your boss at your job and it’s “termination” and “likely a lawsuit.”

Here are dogs dressed like pandas to cheer you and/or calm you down.

tv: low volume

tv: volume jacked up for 6 seconds

tv: low volume

tv: volume jacked up for 6 seconds

[when I watch tv & eat chips]

Anyone that breaks up with me gets followed around by a gang of feral raccoons with tiny signs that say “Really?” and “Seriously dude?” for at least, a month.

You never see baby pigeons because pigeons are cloned by the government. Next question.

🤷🏽‍♀️🤦🏽‍♀️😩

What I really love about Air Fresheners is how it makes your bathroom smell like someone just shit in your rose garden…

me: how was your day

5: my day was horrible! i wanted to stay home but you made me go to school so i went! but then i went to the library and got a book, and made a book mark. it was great!

Male writers often compare women to dessert foods. E.g. ‘She had brown chocolate eyes and cherry red lips.’ Whereas, they tend to describe men using savoury foods. E.g. ‘His leg was like a massive baguette.”

I got fired from my job as a taxidermist for rolling my eyes.

The receptionist at the doc’s office today kept pulling her mask down to talk to me and I-

*distant Yogizilla noises getting louder*

Google maps: You’ve arrived.

Me: *fluffs hair* I know! Right?

When a kidnapper gives you* back because you’re too annoying to be around anymore, that’s called getting ridnapped

*me

i don’t get why IDs expire as proof of identification. ima always be me, right? right???? what does the govt know that i don’t

I don’t know what upsets me more, the fact that that guy stole my tweet or that he only got 2 retweets off of it