Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

WIFE: can you preheat the oven?
ME: you mean heat it
WIFE: not this again
ME: it can’t be heated before it’s heated. don’t give me that look

weird email i got today

welcome to your 40s, the first song you ever made out to is being used to promote mutual funds

Of course I wear a mask. It came with the white van.

Oh, you’re 19 and have abs? Yeah you’re supposed too. You haven’t been alive long enough to get fat.

I call my toilet “Jim”…

It sounds much better when I announce “I’m going to the Jim” every morning.

A very wise man once said: “If you just want to be safe, don’t get out of bed, don’t get in your car, don’t do anything. At some point, you’re going to have to take some risk.” And that same man built a defective submarine that exploded at the bottom of the ocean

To the Canada goose standing on one leg I watched for six minutes to make sure you had two legs: you sure took your sweet time about it

[Cannibal Restaurant]

Waiter: Need anything else?

Cannibal: No, I’m stuffed. I can’t even finish this. Could I get a body bag?

Sorting Hat: WAFFLE HOUSE!!

Me: oh, very funny…

“I’m gonna find whoever stole the wheels off my car”, I said tirelessly

If it wasn’t for google photos I wouldn’t be reminded my husband has been wearing the same 3 shirts in rotation for 15 years.

Netflix: Are you still watching?

Me: Yes.

Netflix: Have you showered today?

Me: Um, I …

Netflix: And use soap this time.

I think I’m a good looking guy from a distance.

As long as that distance is 300 miles.

The last time I tried something new, I had another child @funTweeters @brookeG105

ME: I’ll have the burger.
WAITER: And how do you like your burger?
ME: I don’t know. You haven’t brought it to me yet.

Me: What are you doing?

Wife: One of those online trivia things…tells you what Disney Princess you are.

Me: I’ll save you the trouble…You’re whichever one is Frozen.

Wife:

Attempted to have a bath. I am 6’2″. The bathtub most certainly is not. I looked like a praying mantis trying to take a nap in an iPod dock.

Just got off the phone with my mom.
She had a good chat.

Unrelated, there are 1273 Cheerios left in this box.

It takes a long time to delete 900 million dollars worth of stuff from an Amazon shopping cart.

My toddler is crying because she wanted 2 strawberries but I only gave her 2

I can never say the word “rural” without sounding like Scooby Doo.

I’m gaining weight for my role as “‘Before’ picture”

What’s the best way to remove a grass stain?

Alcohol?

I don’t see how getting drunk will help, but whatever.

SHAKESPEARE: Brevity is the soul of wit.

ME: *Shows him twitter*

SHAKESPEARE: Okay, well, no, obviously not like that.

Helping ya friend pick a picture to post 🤝 commenting like it’s ya first time ever seeing the picture

With just a few days until Christmas Amazon trucks should be treated like emergency vehicles. If you see them coming with their sirens on you best pull over and let them pass. People are getting worried about their packages, ya’ll.

being an artist is crazy because you’ll have one friend who just won a Tony, one friend who’s finally juuuust making enough to quit their day job & one friend who’s like “so my new side hustle is birthday party clown”