I don’t know you well so I’m sorry I called you a dink and not the more formal dinkus.
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FINE!!
So I misread the ad
Apparently, The Cartel doesn’t NEED a drug snuggler
I’m Sold!
I hate it when I want wine and the wine home delivery man hasn’t been invented yet.
“no please don’t”
[cop takes my flask and sniffs] is this milk?
The year is 2054. My son sits down for his documentary.
Reporter: So what would you say led to your impressive and horrifying killing spree?
Him: Well I think it all began when I was six and my mom threw out my collection of kazoos I’d made from toilet paper rolls
People on LinkedIn on a Saturday.
Who. Hurt. You?
[stays up all night examining my issues and identifying which descriptors best express my feelings of dysregulation]
the second i get to therapy:
idk I just feel blah
Since Monopoly replaced its tiny iron, the talking mice in my walls now all have wrinkled shirts.
Got a pedicure with my wife and those spas have everything they need to dispose of a dead body
I was jumping on the trampoline with my son and now my neighbour won’t stop mowing his lawn next to the fence
Taco Bell is really the only place you can still get gas for $1.29 at the moment.
My 3yo said scales measure how fast we are. So anyway, I stepped on our scale and I’m a lot faster than I thought I was.
Being my friend is great because I will probably make you a lasagna at some point but terrible because I will make you listen to a five hour Spotify playlist
Please do not buy stainless steel or titanium rings. They seem cool until you can’t get them off.
masseuse: I can tell you hold a lot of tension in your shoulders. Do you sit at a desk all day?
My sex face is the same as my first pee in three hours face
How long before your caterpillars will turn into butterflies?
Me looking at your eyebrows
jokingly asked my coworker why the flag outside our building was at half mast today and he completely seriously said “for James Earl Jones i think?”
When guys hold up their legs while riding a motorcycle. Like oh r u having soooo much fun. Are you saying weeeeeee
a segment like “celebrities read mean tweets” but instead it’s professors reading course evaluations written by students who failed their class
When your pet is staring at you, it’s probably thinking “I wonder how long those things live.”
Have a friend who takes pics of her food and then goes to the restroom to delete them all. Instagramorexia Nervosa.
FBI Agent: You’re accused of attempting to hijack a Mentos truck & drive it into a Diet Coke bottling plant
Me: …
FBI: …I kind of want to see that
Me: I KNOW, RIGHT?!
It’s widely known that some members of a prison population become well-read and crafty with words.
Sometimes you can mix prose with cons.
Oh wow, I didn’t recognize you with a nose.
Me, meeting anyone from instagram.
Just drank two 5-Hour Energy shots. Will I get 10 hours of energy? And why is that rainbow giggling at me? AndAHH MY SKIN IS ON INSIDE-OUT!
No pizza delivery in prison is the reason why I haven’t murdered anyone yet.
I just want to be high enough on the corporate ladder so I can walk around the office and yell at ppl while I’m eating a salad
Spiders have the whole world to explore but still try to come up in my house