I don’t know. “Your goose is cooked” seems like a positive. Like someone saying, “Hey, dinner’s ready. We’re having goose.”
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In a marriage it’s always a competition to see who can look busier, hence why I sighed and shook my head repeatedly while writing this.
Me: *goes for midnight jog*
My boss: *pops out of trash can* RUNNING LATE AGAIN I SEE
My 6yo told me there’s a kid called Mirror in his new class, and I’m not sure if he misheard or that’s just where we are with names now
“Sir how did you survive the snowmageddon?”
“I stayed in”
“Oh”
My son left a package of cookies at my house then texted me asking me to not let anyone eat them.
So now I’m snapchatting him videos of me eating all his cookies and reminding him of all the times I asked him to do something and he didn’t.
There is no day that can’t be improved by seeing pictures of how they weigh an owl.
My wife spent six weeks researching customer reviews of vacuum cleaners and one time I bought a new car because I had the same dog as the guy on the commercial.
Wife [at a hotel]: Did you sleep ok without me? I never sleep when you’re not in bed with me.
Me [fully rested after 10 hrs of uninterrupted sleep]: No omg so tired.
I don’t go to the circus. Not because I’m scared of clowns, but because I’m scared of people who go to the circus.
Ghost hunters use special cameras made specifically for taking soulfies.
CUTE DUDE AT THE AUTO SHOP: & thats how u fix a flat tire
ME: tysm! My dad never showed me this stuff
DUDE: aw
M: *whispers* ur my dad now
Captain Planet (1991) – a gang of illegal immigrant Eco-terrorists summon a demon to terrorise job creators
Camp counselors who choose to have our kids make slime and bring it home in their backpacks. Why do you hate us?
Spent morning at the farmers market carefully selecting fruits and vegetables to throw away next Saturday.
Cinco de Mayo means five of mayonnaise in Spanish.
CAR SALESMAN: How can I help you?
ME: I’m looking to immediately lose money on a terrible investment.
CAR SALESMAN: That’s my specialty.
Dogs can’t take cross-sectional X-rays and make three dimensional medical images.
Cats can.
90% of life is just having the courage to show up.
The other 30% is just checking the math.
I saw my son go quietly into his bedroom with a broom and dustpan. It’s taken me awhile to learn this, but I now know that there are some questions best left unasked.
I told my toddler grapes were choking hazards so now when she wants grapes she asks for “choking hazards” instead
Having a little nap on the sofa before taking myself up to bed for my main sleep; I call that a snors d’oeuvre.
“What attracted you to our company?”
Well, I heard you pay money in exchange for work
Bad comedy:
“Gonorrhea, but not forgottenorrhea. Am I right?”
*crickets*
“Jeez, y’all sure know how to avoid the clap. Am I right folks?”
Wife: could you just run to the-
Edward Scissorhands: you want me to WHAT
I’d expect Captain America to be fatter.
When you wish upon a star your feet burst into flame and you realize it was a dumb place to stand.
I get it, sauce, I also thicken over time.
A man caught me applying chap stick, so I just started eating it so it wouldn’t be weird.
waiter: do you have any allergies?
me: latex
waiter: I mean is there anything you can’t eat
me: airplanes
j o i m p
