Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

NOAH’S GOOGLE HISTORY
1) What is an ark?
2) How 2 build ark
3) Can god just build ark?
4) Are snakes necessary?
5) Is god real or am I high?

It’s 3am and my neighbor across the street is sorting two garbage bins full of cabbages on his front lawn. Whatever gets you through the night, man.

I like a woman that makes me feel alive, but also lets me know that it might not be for long.

[speed dating session]

Me: I have a good job with benefits. I love movies and hiking. And I’m a cat person.

Her: I love that! *writes her number on a napkin and slides it across to me*

Me: *slowly pushes the napkin off the table*

When I hear “This call is being monitored for quality assurance” I think “Cool, let’s see how bad this person wants their job.”

Kid at my door: Trick or treat

Me: (holding warm gravy boat) just on the candy corn or all over?

[boxing match]
ANNOUNCER: …and the challenger weighing 8lbs 7oz, Billy “The Baby” Sanchez
CHAMP: That’s a real baby
TRAINER: You got this

I’m having my mother-in-law for Thanksgiving dinner tomorrow. She asked what she could bring. I said, “Bring some pie and cranberries and stuffing and mashed potatoes with gravy and a golden brown turkey.”

I was searching for how to hit a deer and survive but now my history makes it look like I’m hunting deer with my car

Don’t forget to smile today, but not that creepy smile that makes us all wonder how many bodies are buried in your yard.

🤣could you imagine

I wasnt home for a few days and somebody taught my cat Karate

Thoughts and prayers for my five year old who just found onion in her onion rings

me: *nauseated from eating too much*

also me: did you say cake?

Saw pine nuts at the store. I thought about getting some so I could make pesto. But I don’t believe that lie about myself

Me: I’m gonna make you groan!

Her: you mean moan?

Me: no, I’m gonna show you some of my tweets

instead of eating lunch I just ate a bunch of olives so ….. yet again …..

I need a personal trainer to be in charge of how I exercise because I’m in charge of how I eat and look how that turned out.

Wife: You wouldn’t believe the day-

*puts TV remote to my ear*

Hello? Hey Bob-
[hand covering remote]
-sorry honey, I have to take this.

[first day as librarian]

guy: i’m looking for a book—

me: —YOU SIR ARE IN LUCK

one thing they don’t tell you in driving school is that it’s ok to miss your exit and get off on the next one and loop back, instead of coming nearly to a full stop in the middle of the freeway or careening across multiple lanes of traffic quickly to try to make it

In one class I have a Bella, an Ella, an Eli and an Ellie. Say those names quickly three times in a row and Bloody Mary appears to steal your freshly sharpened pencils.

“People have been laughing at me for years for wearing my swim goggles everywhere for protection but who’s laughing now?”

{Turns around quickly}, “I heard that!”

My favorite holiday drink is the Little Drummer Boy. It’s one part rum, three parts pum.

My daughter is too old for Disney channel movies so I obviously need another kid.

Dating tip: Men find mysterious woman alluring, so keep the spark alive by occasionally acting like a lunatic possessed by the devil.

Freddie Mercury: I’m just a poor boy, nobody loves me

Chorus of Dads: HI JUST A POOR BOY, I’M DAD! SPARE HIM HIS LIFE FROM THIS MONSTROSITY

6 yr old: Can we have cupcakes for breakfast?

Me: Absolutely not.

(I can’t tell him it’s because I ate them all around 3am.)

CBS: “Tom Petty is dead.”

Tom Petty: “Don’t do me like that.”